A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Ok, been some time since I journaled anything about my sitch so here goes and it won't be short. It's just helpful to put things down sometimes eh. And I know parts of this will seem like it belongs in piecing, not here, but I think there's some useful points for some folks, and hey I'm still a "newcomer" in terms of post number so what the heck . And those of you in very difficult sitches, please don't take it that I'm going on about a vastly improved sitch, everyday M problems etc and wasting bandwith - no offense.

I've also been writing to compensate for cultural and linguistic nuances, not that I think most have noticed. I'm in Asia, though I spent a few years living in Oregon and working on both coasts.

So, having popped in at times to add encouragement in other threads, I look at my own at times and take stock of the R and the lingering uncertainty, resentments, hidden feelings - hidden in the sense that one doesn't really want to rock the boat at times. I know some experienced posters here are probably hoping I won't be doing a "kalni-like" post one day and biting their tongue over some decisions I took. The compromise on business contact with OM I allowed W was and is not an easy one.

Yet, I posted that some things I feel can't be faked, and I stand by that. W has woken up. A million small things tell me that, none more so than by her involvement in helping others in troubled Ms. You gotta realise that for a LONG time, she could not even face the recent past, much less talk about it. It stunned me when she offered / initiated talks to friends who were struggling, especially LBSs. She even did it without me being around to a couple in our CORE group.

Very illuminating to me what she had to say - even tiny echoes of Sandi and past WAWs here even. She often advised the LBS to let go and let the WAS find the space to wake up. She told them that whether they liked it or not, they had to decide to forgive, take the chance of being hurt again, and give that unconditional love to the WAS because it could be the only lifeline the WAS has.

She talks about how when the fog started to lift, she could have still walked, not through her preference, but walked anyway, because she could not face me and see the hurt in my eyes. She accepts I have every right to it, that she cannot undo it, that it would be taken as cake-eating to expect me to let it go, but she could not help me with that, and that feeling is a pretty despairing one. She talks about how dealing with the depression of ending the A left her with no strength to face this, and that cowardly or not, she would have walked because my pain and her guilt would have been too much to take. And how my strength in putting this (mostly) behind us and not rubbing it in her face gave her the tiny bit of hope to try again.

She can never speak this with composure, and the tears and pain in seeing her say this is one of the things I know cannot be faked.

But of course, once bitten forever shy. Right? Unconditional love, but cautious trust was the rule of the day. Who was I to know anything right? I had grown immeasurably stronger (or so I hoped) and I could take this step without fear of being devastated again should the world collapse.

And today? Today, W shows signs that unsettle me. In R, we both spoke of being stronger persons after our experience, of being our true selves but choosing to be with each other. W has grown as well. But now, she has told me how much she needs me, she panics when I'm not around, she feels "naked" without me socially. she can't see a world without her Deep. All very gratifying, very ego-boosting, very validating even. But healthy? I'm not sure. Her co-dependency was not a small factor when she "lost her mind". It may feel good at a primal level to hear these things, but it's not necessarily an entirely good thing.

And the pregnancy was traumatic at the start. Gynae who delivered our first 2 pointedly told us to abort. W had gone through many X-rays and a kidney stone blasting Op in the first month. she "felt" she might be pregnant but the tests had come back negative till after the op. She was filled with guilt and fear. We decided to keep the baby and have faithfully gone for tests for these months now praying and hoping things will be fine. It hasn't been easy.

And we come to my part next, where I know the problem lies with me, and I have some decisions to make, and issues to resolve myself.

[Deep]

Sandi et al who advised me before are very wise, and I expect a few 2X4's may well come my way should they drop by again, and I deserve them.

W goes on leave for about half a year starting Monday. She has split her portfolio for her stand-ins and drew a boundary with her bosses that she will not want OM in it when she returns. She has gone into near total NC with him and made a point to explain what she is doing to me. So, one of our decision points was "what if" her bosses turned her down. She's prepared to quit.

I did a detailed breakdown of our spending before that to factor in income in all scenarios and how to make ends meet. This is my baggage - the resentment that his wealth helped attract her and my determination that I will "make it good". But GEEZ. The figures shocked me, and indeed W is still in shock when I told her. I run my own biz and make an ok living for now but we cannot sustain our lifestyle as is if things take a dip. We're not lavish by any means and live in a modest suburban condo with a Japanese MPV, but facts are facts and our monthly spend is 5 figures (yeah in USD). That's not factoring in the 3rd kid, the kids' college education savings etc.

Major backslide time. Deep shame in thinking "Oh, crap, she's gonna go all insecure again and who knows what will happen this time". Cue triggering of insecurities and resentments.

And now for the "OW" that Sandi rightly pointed out to me. I was an idiot, utterly utterly stupid to think that 2 hurting people with (then) terminal Ms, cheating spouses, "chemistry" and a shared history could support each other and leave it at that. I can still say in good conscience that I treated her as a friend, but I cannot deny there was an attraction from way before. It's not like supporting other friends in real life or on here - we should have known better.

I did think she was getting a bit too close and cut off most contact except for the "how you doing?" replies when she buzzed me. She had been dating (and given me full details) so I had assumed it was great we were both moving on, me with my M and her with her D. We met for lunch one day months ago and my little fog was blown apart. She asked me if my W is pregnant - she already knew from mutual friends and I did not keep it a secret, in fact I was surprised she acted as if it was something new. "I'm so happy for you Deep - congratulations!". "well thank you, it's not been easy and we're still working some things through, but it's good". "yeah, so good you can actually do STUFF with her eh? I'm sure it wasn't an immaculate conception".

Can you smell the bile from there? I'm paraphrasing and summarising of course, but it really hit me. What was her problem I thought? Pretty obvious I know ... and friends later told me she thought W and I were in separate rooms and would never fully reconcile. So ... you really can't control what others think or feel ... not just WAS. And yeah, I told this to W.

So ... avoided her until a mutual friend got into marital problems (is this common or what?). We both helped friend through it, very very nasty, friend and her sis both ended up in the ER after a beating from H which triggered the D. I kinda helped friend through the aftermath, hiring her for a project to keep her occupied and earning some cash, plus I did need the help.

So ... rowdy social reception after project ended, I'm getting drunk with over 100 clients and W is there to drive me home since she knew I would be plastered. And friend tells me "<OW> is coming to say hi". WTF??? Barely registered that before she turned up and SAT AT THE TABLE WITH W. God! I chickened out to be honest, got a male friend to sit there and keep an eye on things, and I really had to network and close some deals for the next project. W and "OW" were apparently excruciating civil to each other, with "OW" asking about the pregnancy. Friend told me it was awkward but civil, up to the point "OW" announced she was going to talk to me alone for a bit. "Great job Deep, congratulations" - I just said thanks and turned away. But still, it was Armageddon in the car on the way back after.

And now, I have been told to work with an organisation for part of my next project - it's critical for my biz, and guess who is the liaison person I have to work through? No prizes for guessing right. Life is a freaking irony. Oh, and she's now signing up at my gym and Muay Thai classes too. Wonderful.

I've kept W updated on everything, if not the details. It's stupid. Here I am, being the "new Deep" and putting aside my fear of W's possible financial security issues, post-natal depression and history repeating itself, and with the nitty gritty details of piecing still there, worrying about making enough to sustain the family and let W have the freedom to choice not to work ... and now this is gonna eat at W.

I'm just venting - so indulge me . I ignored a friend's advice to have a blunt talk with "OW" - mainly because it would have been so AWKWARD. I always treated her as a friend, there was never any r/s, and these nuances were just unsettling. But now I think yeah, surface them, maybe get laughed at and brushed aside ("You're crazy Deep, I wish you and the W nothing but the best" is probable), but at least it'll be one less needless issue.

And yeah, to keep praying everyday for the baby ... our fears for his health is always there ...

[kara]

((((Deep)))


I just said a prayer for your baby boy, your family and your M.

I think you need to speak to OW and let her know that you are not comfortable with her actions. Joining your gym and classes seems a bit creepy at the very least. Sitting at the table with your W? Being the liaison on the poject? I don't like to attribute motives to people I don't know but the events are all too pat for my liking. I would limit my contact with her. Is there anyone you can assign to do most of the liaising with her on the project?

[rockedworld]

Hi Deep,
Gotta say I'm with Kara on this one. Really, what do you have to lose? What is at risk... other that it being a bit embarassing if you are perceiving things incorrectly? And some awkwardness afterwards...
BUT... what is the risk if you ARE perceiving things correctly and it increases the threat to your M?

Do a cost/benefit analysis, if you want to look at that way...

And, I am also praying for your baby boy, you, and your M.

[Gnosis]

Hey Deep, I ended up here from RW's thread. I've only read your first page and now your last two posts on this one, so, I'm not too clued up on the in-between details.

If you don't mind I'd like to share with you the one thing I've seen so far that you need to change about yourself. Your silence. Call it self-preservation, fear, inability to express yourself, whatever... This is a big factor in what has caused problems in your life.

IMHO it's time for you to step up and speak your mind. Tell the OW in no uncertain terms to leave you alone and that there is NO CHANCE for the two of you. Tell her if she has any feelings for you that she will respect your decision to remain with your W and be happy for you. By not sending out this CLEAR message you're sending her mixed signals and giving her false hope.

Stand up and be a man and tell the women in your life what you want and how you want it. Communicate clearly, effectively and compassionately. They will respect you for it.

I don't mean to offend you and you actually have my respect for how you have handled the situation with your wife.

[Deep]

Hi Gnosis, thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. You're not wrong, sometimes I really think I should jettison this bad trait of bottling things I dislike. At other times of course, I'm shooting my mouth off and being just plain silly.

As for the "OW", she set up a business meeting between her boss and I that I will be going for later today. I appreciate her help and I think, awkward as it is, I'll have to say some things clearly and just clear the air. Especially as I expect she'll be tasked with the ground level collaboration tie-ups if we proceed.

It could make the initial "all hands" meetings rather interesting ...

[Deep]

Hi ...

Just an update for the friends I've come to know and value on here, and the DB family. Hope nobody takes it the wrong way that I'm sharing a very happy development for me. Which also explains the changes in my signature lines.

Our third child was born 2 Jan, a healthy, strong boy weighing just over 6.1 Lb. Mother and child are doing well.

I thought I would be happy, and I was, the depth of feeling I had, holding her, holding him, and holding her with him in her arms ... words fail me. And as we just held hands or looked silently at each other for the hours together today, I felt like my heart would burst, in a good way .

I'm feeling very, very blessed, and very, very grateful. I would not have seen myself here EVER not too long ago. Thanks to all of you here for being here and allowing me to share my life and yours, especially when I needed to vent. I hope all of us will find happiness from our sitches in some way. And most of all, I thank God, for His mercy.

[kara]

((((Deep)))

I am so happy to hear your good news. God is good, indeed. Just a couple of days ago I was thinking to myself that your baby must soon be due. I am very happy to read your update.

[sandi2]

Oh Deep! My heart has been blessed reading about this. It will go into the DB Success Stories!

May God richly bless your family.

Love,
Sandi

[Lotus]

Congratulations, Deep. I am very happy for you, and your whole family.