can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

Back again with more questions--spent most of what was supposed to be a work day reading threads, picking up common themes.

What keeps frustrating me about my sitch (and yes, I always do think that somehow I should be the exception to the rule) is that so many of the posters here went through a LOT of beg/cry/plead before doing the 180 and GAL. Which made the WAS nervous, and sometimes changed the dynamic so at least some progress was made in talking with each other.

Here, me, avermont--was always holding partner at arm's length; never pursued throughout 23 years; at bomb had at most 36 hours of WTF? cry/plead/ask for 2nd chance....I did initiate several conversations asking for counseling and got him to 2. After that, it was chin up, brave and cheerful, act like everything is fine.

Only contact we have had is logistical for house/apartments. He did send me one random friendly email news story; I sent him one and got a positive response.

So...what is the 180 from being an aloof partner; acting like "I'm OK with the affair/breakup 'cause I am as independent as ever..."

I can only hope and wait for the affair to end--I can't affect that. But how do I show that the door is open for reconcile should he want that? I am working on opening up and being vulnerable (don't have much choice--feel like my skin has been flayed off and my entire insides are open for all to see) My friends see this; with out any contact with him, how does he see this?

Re-read DR last night, and noted the "try and monitor results". Well, silence from me has brought silence from him. One little email story brought one little response. 4 months of being cheery, asking nothing, very little contact--how is the dynamic to change? If I initiate some little contact, that is pursuing, and that is supposed to be bad.

Pearl recommended I take my bad self out; I have been avoiding town but will try the next few weekends to be more out in town. The idea being that friends (small town remember) will see me out and about and word gets back to him? Plus, of course, I am having fun for my own self. I know that is the important part.

Sorry to write such a long post, but I do hope to find others whose situation is closer to mine.

Thank you!

avermont