can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[avermont]

thanks, Cutterbug. That really helps a lot.

I don't know that I believe in myself at the moment. I am pretty well lost in the grief and pain right now, so just getting through the day is a challenge and a success enough. "wow--look, I didn't die."

Wow, opening up like this is such a 180. Kind of good, kind of painful. Like any change, I suppose.

thanks for rooting for me--keep it going!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There is no "try," Av -- only "do."

And, as Coach says: you can handle it.

Puppy

[rockedworld]

That's right, Avermont... you didn't die and you WON'T!

Think of it this way... you have been surviving something you never thought you would. You are already doing it! Each day that goes by is one day closer to you being OK again, and you will be. And, one day, regardless of what happens in your M, you will be MORE than ok. You will be FABULOUS!

In the meantime, breathe in and out, take care of yourself and take what happens one day at a time.

We are here for you.
((((hugs)))))
Rocked

[avermont]

Back again with more questions--spent most of what was supposed to be a work day reading threads, picking up common themes.

What keeps frustrating me about my sitch (and yes, I always do think that somehow I should be the exception to the rule) is that so many of the posters here went through a LOT of beg/cry/plead before doing the 180 and GAL. Which made the WAS nervous, and sometimes changed the dynamic so at least some progress was made in talking with each other.

Here, me, avermont--was always holding partner at arm's length; never pursued throughout 23 years; at bomb had at most 36 hours of WTF? cry/plead/ask for 2nd chance....I did initiate several conversations asking for counseling and got him to 2. After that, it was chin up, brave and cheerful, act like everything is fine.

Only contact we have had is logistical for house/apartments. He did send me one random friendly email news story; I sent him one and got a positive response.

So...what is the 180 from being an aloof partner; acting like "I'm OK with the affair/breakup 'cause I am as independent as ever..."

I can only hope and wait for the affair to end--I can't affect that. But how do I show that the door is open for reconcile should he want that? I am working on opening up and being vulnerable (don't have much choice--feel like my skin has been flayed off and my entire insides are open for all to see) My friends see this; with out any contact with him, how does he see this?

Re-read DR last night, and noted the "try and monitor results". Well, silence from me has brought silence from him. One little email story brought one little response. 4 months of being cheery, asking nothing, very little contact--how is the dynamic to change? If I initiate some little contact, that is pursuing, and that is supposed to be bad.

Pearl recommended I take my bad self out; I have been avoiding town but will try the next few weekends to be more out in town. The idea being that friends (small town remember) will see me out and about and word gets back to him? Plus, of course, I am having fun for my own self. I know that is the important part.

Sorry to write such a long post, but I do hope to find others whose situation is closer to mine.

Thank you!

avermont

[Coach]

Here, me, avermont--was always holding partner at arm's length; never pursued throughout 23 years

Why? then figure out if it is you that needs to grow and make the healthy change for yourself

So...what is the 180 from being an aloof partner

interested, caring, engaged, passionate

You can do all of these things without pursuing and keeping yourself detached. Unconditional love with boundaries is the recipe. There is a thread on here on another forum called "true giving", look it up. No expectations when you give is key. You need to be clear about the boundaries concerning the OW.

You are being watched by your husband.

You need to look into talking to a DB coach.

I don't think you are that different. No tolerating of the OW and work on knocking out his negative feelings towards you. Make yourself the better option no matter what. I would definetely go out in town and have a blast.

Do more of what is working.

Cheers

[chatterbug]

Listen to Coach avermont. We are saying the same thing.

[bonnyh]

Hi Avermont

My sitch is different to yours (feel free to read up if you want), but one of the reasons that my H left me was the fact that he said I never opened up enough. I’ve made the change and shocked my H, he’s aware of the change, he’s not said anything directly to me yet. It was difficult at first, but I’ve done it and it feels good. Took me a while to get used to feeling vulnerable and letting my guard down.

Work on this, it will be of benefit to you and any future R you have whether it be with your H, family or friends.

[avermont]

OK, I am looking for the "true giving" thread now. Little wheel keeps spinning.

I could also use direction on finding more on "detaching" The only link I have found is on the livestrong site, and that seems to deal so much with co-dependent/addictive problems. Geez, it is just my bf that I love--we're healthy individuals aside from current sitch!

I will work on my problems of being aloof, arms length. Have started that.

Am more than happy to be engaged, interested, passionate, caring in presence of bf, to show "change from aloofness" But as we are currently in NC stage...unless I initiate some little thing--how can I show my interest,care, etc.?

I did email a note about a project in town that he is in charge of that ran into a some difficulties. No response.

I did email a funny little story--got a positive response.

Do more of what is working--but I only have two stories:

1) paying bills together last time. He expressed huge anger and frustation that I "won" staying in the house. Thank goodness I have all of you backing me up that the leaver LEAVES.

2) so I payed the bills last night by myself. He knows that this time of the month would be bill-paying,but didn't inititate getting together to do so. So I maintained NC and did it myself. Could make him angrier that I am "cutting him out of" the house even more. But the bills had to get paid.

3) after the blow up about my "winning" the house, a few days later, I sent the little funny email story and got a positive response.

Other than that...radio silence...

So---what I am doing (Besides reading threads, going to therapy, going out with friends, working on myself) that WORKS? that sends vibrations through the atmosphere that somehow reach him? when we don't see or talk to each other?

I assume at this point that the trouble-free, hot and sexy gf is the better option. Don't know how/if affair will end. Want him to know that I am approachable for reconciliation (when affair ends) without having to start with hours of crying and recrimination.

Again, I am asking for the "how". Sorry, but I am a concrete thinker--if I do X, Y should happen. It is difficult for me to accept the gentle flow of change across time and distance.

More support, suggestions, and suggested reading are most welcome!

[avermont]

Hi bonnyh-

Well, feels good to have someone with a similar sitch. how did you show your H you were opening up? were you together enough to show that?

and yes, I am finding it feels OK and survivable to talk about my feelings. So that is a big change.

Can you point me towards your sitch thread?

Thanks!

[avermont]

Gucci, I came across your post wherein you were very specific about ending A, WAH coming back once LBS started dating. I haven't been able to re-find it. Gosh, there's a lot of posts out there!

I just asked my gf's to go out with me--in my town--on Saturday so I could get myself out there. Don't have but one single male friend to bring (invited him too).

Did sign up for Match.com. Not really ready for it yet, but it would be good for the ego to see if anyone is interested.

I guess my next goal is to get out in town and be present. I have been GAL, but in other places. The trick of course, is finding other single folks to hang with, because of course we are all used to traveling with couples.

Also--posts or books on detaching? Trying to take mental energy that currently goes to the R and saying "Detach detach" each time a thought comes up. It is mentally exhausting, but I am trying.