Spinning in Circles

[P17]

Tostada, one thing you need to understand (as I have found out subsequently) is that your situation is NOT unique. We have all either been through what you are saying or been through part of it. You are in good company.

though didnt do very well at it. Found out 3 months after D official that W had been having an affair at least 1 year before we were separated, with a married man.

So you are now divorced?

OMW contacted me and we have had many conversations in the last 9 months or so. She also tried valiently for her marriage.

First thing is first. Stop defending her. She was / is having an A she is actually fighting for nothing but herself.

My W has rewritten our past and says she never left me for him. This is crushing to me because its totally obvious. She had an affair, then decided our marriage was terrible, ended it, then forced him to end his.

You need to accept this - all WAS do this. It's nothing personal against you.

Think of it this way - if you had had an A, how would you justify it? I know I would justify it by saying that W was a b*tch who never understood me, the M was horrible and not what I wanted, he beat me (yes, W said that about me :)) etc. The WAS rewrites history to justify what they have done. You need to get over that - easier said than done but treat it as part of the game they play.

So why am I here? I guess Im just looking for support. Im having a very hard time detaching, even though W has done terrible things to me. We rarely communicate, though we share custody of 2 kids. My main problem with her is she doesnt put the kids first. She puts herself, her social life, vacations, her friends first.

Yes, that's the way they work. I look at my situation and see that me W actually puts herself first before step-D although to look at her you would think she is the best mother in the universe!

You see she is on a high just now. The way I look at it is like a couple of teenagers. She is having a sexual or relationship high. She has an OM, she also has you. She is having sex that is, forbidden. She i shaving a relationship that is, forbidden. The kids are boring. You are boring. The M is boring. At least in comparison to this fantastic, unavailable guy who is probably 'the best thing she has ever had' (yeah, we've all heard it - no doubt she is happoer than ever too and her soul mate? yeah?)

She gets; to have sex with this unavailable guy and that EXCITING. She then gets' to come hom to you and the kids - that's just boring, but do you know what she does it 'cause she is a good mom and puts up with it. You're a bad guy and she is a better mom and she has to come back and see you, but she is good because she does it for the kids ....

Am I along the right track?

I am very angry at m W for putting us in this position.

All been there, completely understand your position. BUT that does YOU no good. The only person that wins when YOU are angry is the W as she can then justify why you are such a ANGRY sh*t.

We did not have a bad marriage.

In your eyes. What does she say though?

It may not have been perfect, but she never put forth the effort to bring up whatever it was that was bothering her. The excuses I heard in counseling were trivial. 'He watched too many sports, never did the dishes', that kind of thing. All the while she was meeting up with OM in local hotel rooms.

Been there. The excuses are only trivial to YOU. I don't say it to give you a hard time. I say it so that you can see that there are two sides to the problem. The other side is NEVER trivial.

I had two in person 'discussions' with her in which I went ballistic about this guy and all the lies she had told me.

Don't talk about their R. Been there and done that. It never works. It only hurts you and at the end of the day YOU are the most important thing.

She did tell me at that time that she did screw up, but she loved this guy and they are probably going to spend the rest of their lives together.

LOL ... sorry. Yeah, we all KNOW they are going to do that. Do you know why they will, because they are so in love after what ... a couple of months. I guess you have been married for at least 12 years (as you have a 12 year old son)? Yeah, they are sould mates. They love each other. Sex is great. The sun will come up. The break will be baked.

Tostada .... this is crap. We all know it pretty much. Affairs are based on lies, deception, secrecy ... how many relationships do you know that existed long term with that? Your W's R is based on sex, lust and what they think is love. Long term relationships are based on shared memories / experiences, LOVE (that is not lust), understanding, compassion and tolerance.

The A will end. The only question of it is when. A's, as I said, are based on lies. Once the novelty of the secret sex is ended and the realisation that your kids will see her at pre-determined times, she won't be involved so much in school, work or their lives .... it will end.

OM at one time called me on the phone to befriend me. That didnt go so well for him. He hasnt called me since and I have never met up with him in person. I'd like to remove his head.

Get in that VERY long line. The problem with removing his head is ... what does that do for you? I would like to really go around the 500 yards to my W's house, knock on the door and punch his lights out and stamp on his head. HOWEVER, your W is 50% to blame for this. So you would also have to do the same to her.

At the end of the day, she will end up being vindicated ('isn;t Tostada such a bad person, I mean he beat up my boyfriend for no reason - I am in love and he can't accept it - he has a problem') or you will end up being the good guy. Say nothing (incredibly difficult I know) and she will hang herself with enough rope. People who need to justify themselves will constantly try to do it and then people will see through them. Take the high moral ground, do nothing and let her hang herself.

What I am struggling with is she is still dishonest, disrespectful, and very selfish.

Of course she is. She is having an A. That's what they do. That woman you knew when you married is gone for the time being. She has been kidnapped, removed, transported or killed. Either way that sweet loving girl you knew is gone. You need to accept that for just now and hope she comesb ack. I say that though not to be nasty but to PREPARE YOU!

Even though she totally treats me like I dont exist, I am having a very hard time getting her off my mind. I miss her very much and very sad she is with OM.

I'm currently there mate. I totally understand where you are coming from you. The problem is that you need to in order for you to have a clear head.

But I know I cannot ever take her back because of the pain she has caused me.

If you thought that you wouldn't be here.

When I see her or talk to her it puts me in a big tailspin. I cannot avoid this because we share kids. I have asked her to not show up at my house out of the blue. She agreed that was wrong and wouldnt do it.

That is a good start. Set boundaries.

Then, there must have been turmoil with OM because I was hearing from her 'you dont care about me', 'why do you want to ruin my life'...that kind of stuff. She then started showing up unannounced for unneeded kid stuff. I surmise she put the ultamatum on OM to leave his wife, and he refused. I think she thought it was over

I completely understand you. She buckled and so did you.

Knowing what I know now (and you will learn) that is the LAST time you should buckle. Never EVER buckle when being tested ... she was testing you. And she will again and again and again. You see she has two men who love her. She has two men she can play off against each other.

Think about it from your point of view. If you had 2 women chasing for your attention would you not think that it was great and be flattered/ It would boost your ego, no? (be honest). That is what she is doing and she loves it.

....but now, he filed and they are like peas and carrots.

How certain do you know that? Remember they lie and lie and lie ...

This past week was tough for me. She ignored the rules of the parenting plan and she went to Hawaii with OM. She set it up that her mother would watch the kids. Well, I am supposed to get the kids if she is out of town.

Then you need to jump on that from a very great height and make sure she completely understands the plan. That was probably another test to see if you had balls. She is cake eating.

My biggest problem was I thought my inlaws were supporters of me and were very upset at their daughter for her behavior. Apparently they are over it as they are supporting OM now, by gma watching the kids for them and letting W and OM use their place in Maui. To me its like a kick in the stomach.

They are HER parents. They will ALWAYS support her. Would you always support your kids?