Well, it's a new day... and I'm sure I'll find some PMA... but first need to process last night....
H still discussing separation. I decided to tell him very clearly where I stand: I still choose this marriage. I am not feeling that separation is the best choice for the marriage. However, I cannot stop him, and will not stop him if that is what he chooses. But, if it is what he chooses, he will need to own that choice to our kids and everyone else. H heard this and stated he respected it.
AFter this discussion, H and I decided it was time for the kids to know SOMETHING... they have been undoubtedly seeing and hearing a lot and it has not been discussed openly. They are 18, 15 and 13 and have the right to know. However, H does not feel ready to tell them of the A. He says he will.. at some point... but needs to take it one step at a time. This was difficult for me, but I know all of this will be difficult for the kids too so thought it may be best for them as well to take in this information a bit at a time.
Long story short... H took the lead and told the kids he is struggling with some issues in his own life... that these issues are completely his and not mine. H told kids "your mom is about as close to the perfect woman as any man kind find" and told the boys they would be very lucky to find a woman like their mom someday. He told them I have done nothing wrong and that what he is struggling with he takes responsibility for. H told them he is questioning a lot of things in his life right now and that has resulted in him not being a very good husband right now. H told them this may result in a temporary separation to take time to think through things for himself.
Kids were all very clear that they would not like that but would accept it IF IT MADE THINGS BETTER FOR OUR MARRIAGE. They were also very clear that they do NOT want a divorce in the family and would not take that well. There were some tears on all our parts including H. I made my position very clear to the kids... I choose this marriage, don't want a separation or divorce, and am willing to do whatever it takes to make things better.
I don't know how much H heard. This a.m. he said, "well it sounds like the kids would handle a separation better than I thought". Of course he is still in his WAS fog.
I hope this had some impact on H. Who knows...
Very emotional evening. Makes it hard to find my PMA today.
Have IC session today. Good timing.
I still know I will be OK no matter what. Just feeling heavy today.
your H will hear what he chooses to hear, and do what he chooses to do. But you already know that.
He's gotta walk this part alone. Let go. And give what you can't control to God. That weight you feel is the burden of hope, expectation, and fear. Just know that come what may, you'll be ok.
Hope you have a great IC session!
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
your H will hear what he chooses to hear, and do what he chooses to do. But you already know that.
He's gotta walk this part alone. Let go. And give what you can't control to God. That weight you feel is the burden of hope, expectation, and fear. Just know that come what may, you'll be ok.
Hope you have a great IC session!
(((Deep))), thank you. Those were the exact words I needed to hear this morning.
*sigh* Let go. Yes. That is all there is at this point in this journey... and that is enough.
He has to walk this out. There is nothing I can do about it.
I am responsible for me. I stated what I needed to the kids. I am standing in the position I feel I need to, and I am standing firm.
Had my IC session today. Very good. She gave me some tools for "grounding" myself when my emotions get overwhelming. I found it very helpful and felt much calmer and at peace when I left.
She also validated my position that I am not going to let my H "talk me into" separation. I am choosing this M and to remain living together as I believe that is better for the M and better for the kids. If he chooses to leave, that is his to own.
I am choosing to stand my ground today.
I am strong.
I am grounded.
I know what I want and what I believe to be best for our family.
I am detaching and fighting for my M at the same time.
Getting myself "grounded" after I get emotional is hard for me still. Im glad you had a good IC session.
Do you ever just....look at your H and wonder wth he is hearing? That fog they live in seems to be pretty dense. Try to stay positive. Detaching is the best thing I have managed to do as far as my sitch goes. I still have days I get a twinge, but its so much easier. more hugs. let go....scary and yet...scarier not to. We are here for you hon. You've been doing well. You can do this.
rocked, Tough night, but at least the process started and is out in the open. Bravo for you having him do the explaining and you saying only "I want this marriage'
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
I don't know how much H heard. This a.m. he said, "well it sounds like the kids would handle a separation better than I thought". Of course he is still in his WAS fog. Right. He heard (and obviously observed -tears, etc - nothing) Fog-bound and delusional for sure.
I hope this had some impact on H. Who knows...
Very emotional evening. Makes it hard to find my PMA today. Keep looking. It's always there somewhere: kids' faces. sunshine, birds chirping , LIFE.
Have IC session today. Good timing. Definitely.
I still know I will be OK no matter what. Good Mantra. Keep saying it. It's true Just feeling heavy today. Understandably. You'll feel "lighter after IC, no doubt.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Do you ever just....look at your H and wonder wth he is hearing? That fog they live in seems to be pretty dense.
Dusk
Hi Dusk, Absolutely. It constantly baffles me. I am learning to accept that this is just the way it is. He is in a fog. That is just a fact. He is not the man I have loved all these years. That is just a fact.
These facts are painful. But they are what they are.
BTW, one of the little helpful hints my C taught me today for "grounding": Take a few minutes to do something that focuses you on each of your five senses (eg. smell a tea bag, focus on and describe an object to yourself, hold an object and focus on the feeling of it, etc.) - do this with each of your five senses and keep breathing deeply while doing this. It works.
H has a "work" meeting tonight... made a point of telling me it might run long. These were the sitches that caused me so much anxiety in the past. Tonight I will work on staying grounded.
H actually has been telling me he is starting to feel pressured by OW. All the more reason for me to be calm and detached, stand my ground.
