Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Gardener]

Gima, my friend,
Sorry I took so long to chime in. Here I go, rambling a buffet of thoughts, if you will, in no particular order. Pick & choose whatever resonates and then narrow it down to whatever really resonates with your comfort level. Also, I haven't read your last couple of days of posts yet. I'm sure you've gotten great food for thought. I may be repeating what others have said. Consider the statements/advice as just that: random statements and advice.. Consider any questions I may ask rhetorical. No need to answer.

Why is W interviewing/ researching?
How will she do this, what will she ask?
Do you care or feel more comfortable with a male MC or a female MC?
Do brief telephone interviews with four or five (or whatever) then make appts with top 3 and grill them, um, I mean interview them in person. No questions are off the table: It's your time, your money, your marriage, so be adamant in getting satisfactory answers. Any professional worth his/her salt should have no problem answering these questions:

-Pro-marriage? Or everyone's gotta find their own path and cut and run when necessary?
-Solution-oriented? Cognitive behavior therapy?
- Are you a listener, a validator, a commiserator or a challenger.
-Do you give "homework assignments"?
-Are you married?
-How long?
-1st, 2nd, 3r marriage?
-What's your approach, philosophy to healing, repair, and reconciliation?
-What's a typical session like? What will we experience from you?
-What % of your clients would you say successfully reconcile?
-Why?
-What is usual time/length commitment you recommend/insist upon?
-How long/how frequent are sessions? Ours did bi-weekly, but they were two hours in duration, which I was comfortable with. Heck by the time you "catch up" and "report in" the hour's almost up.
-Is MC the sole focus of your practice?
-How long have you been a MC?
-What relationship "gurus", authors, specialists do you admire, who's theories and approaches do you subscribe to? Why?
-Do you provide "moving forward amicably counselling" when outcome is unsuccessful/D inevitable?
- Do you have any former or current successful clients who would be willing to call us/us call them anonymously who would discuss you you and your approach?

Gima, do you or wife know any Couples who MC'd successfully and reconciled? Ask them to recommend.

Ask your pastor/minister/priest if they know of any stellar MCs
Do you have an EAP program at work? Someone who could also give a recommendation?

Look at the websites of everyone you've narrowed down to. They're mostly glitzy BS but you never know what you could glean from them.

When you've selected a few, Call the National Association of Social Workers' (your state chapter) and ask if there's any records of complaints, ethics violations, etc.

If you're not happy after 3/4 visits, find someone else.

My friggin' MC basically did simultaneous IC on us with both of us in the room. Kept saying "you work on you, H, stay on your side of the court and you, W, do the same." Several times I said to him, "Excuse me, but week after week we keep talking about talking, but we never talk! To each other, about M, R, communication, hot button issues, nothing"!

But I stupidly kept going since "he was the professional so he must know what he's doing". Should've followed my gut and bolted, so I repeat, if you're not satisfied after 2-3 visits, find someone else.

He told us in the beginning he "does not see couples individually except maybe once, sometimes twice, when situation warrants". Find out his/her policy on this. W and I saw him together 13 times. He saw me once individually, supposedly saw wife once individually, too, but when the Benefits statement/EOB came from wife's employer it showed our thirteen visits, my one individual session , and her SEVEN individual sessions. Plus as you know, I saw her there the following week after we "ended" the sessions (my IC's in the same building). W told me she was "just seeing him one final time". I knew she was lying. Next two EOBs showed she continued to see him for three more months alone.

I'll stop now. I've gone off-track and I'm re-venting. Hope the above non-venting thoughts help you.
Any questions, let me know. Here or on .alt.


.