Just want my H back

[Coach]

I keep thinking about what Pearl said awhile ago: "how would you envision your life without H?" And I'd move back to CA across next few months, get settled there w my job (company just opened office there), set up w resources in terms of counselor and friends and all, support-system. But it is darn hard to plan a full-on move cross country still in limbo-land. I wonder sometimes if I do it, or if I don't and force conversation in advance, if that will change anything w H?

I have yet to see a WAS lead the relationship out of limboland. Guess who get's the honor?

I would bring this discussion up. "I am in the process of making some decisions and need to decide if I am going to stay married or not. I would like to meet with you for a few minutes to discuss my plans. Starbucks on Main St this Sat 10:00 am work for you?"

Now you are in control of yourself. You can decide what is best for you. You are not moving on but moving forward. Your husband has a choice in how much he discusses, engages and contributes to the process.

Google Crucial Conversations

Cheers

[Lostforwords]

HHH,

I have read a few of your posts and you appear to be heading the right direction. I will ask....you keep mentioning the limbo you are in. What do YOU want beyond your marriage? Are YOU worth more than how you have been treated? Realize that the limbo is one that has been created and controlled by your H....are you ready to get off his limbo roller coaster?

Hope you have a good week and grab a dinner at Beer works near Fenway (if it is still open) for me. It has been a long time since I ate there and would love to hear how it is:)

[pearlharbr]

HHH, saw this on SmileyPerson's thread and thought it might benefit you:

Ohhh and what REALLY scared him was once when I was ASKING for the D, because I was fed up waiting for him, and calmly told him, " We are friends, we have kids, I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy too, lets do it in a civilised way" -Apil 08.

He refused to proceed and told me he never wanted a divorce. He was shocked that day. He knew I meant it and that I would be fine without him. It took him another 6 months before he told me he wanted to "try" and after I had just come back from a trip to NY.

ADVICE: never underestimate your gut feeling.
K

Something I've also mentioned on these forums a few times,
spouse wants a divorce, agree with them, in fact take the lead in getting there.

Alot of WAS's are cake eaters (the cake is good n'est pas?),
they like to have their cake & eat it too (on a side note, has anyone ever wondered about this expression? of course you want to eat your cake, someone gives you a piece of cake, you have your cake, you obviously have cake to eat it, it's a food, what's up with that?! LOL!)

So they will enjoy living in limbo, testing the waters, having a good life, new found freedom on the planet fruitopia where the skies are always blue & sunny and the weather is balmy: tshirts, shorts & flip flops!

Instead of living in limbo, you decide your life is not meant to be wasted waiting for your spouse to snap out of their funk or FOG as it's so commonly called.

Tell them you want the divorce,
hasten the process,
start dividing assets,
determine costs,
set a date,
get some legal consultations,
really start to move on,
pack personal items, preparing for moving to a new home/apartment.

It then becomes real.

It's one thing to say it, but its another thing to pursue it.

In fantasyland, they can take their time and enjoy the fresh air while you live in reality where the smog can be a little hard on the sinus's.

Speed it up, make it real and all of a sudden they're sucked into reality and the work involved in a divorce.

FWIW, I would not think about things until the new year. Enjoy your holiday plans!

[hhh]

Hi Pearl,
Thanks for checking in on me again. I hope all is well with you and BF these days! Thanks also to Coach, Lost, CG and others who have responded. I totally get what you are saying and about taking the control back. But I have to really be ready, I can't try to call his bluff. I mean, the above could happen but more likely he may just say 'ok, i see that you are now ready W, let's proceed'...and then YIKES, it really is real and no back-tracking at that point! But I guess if they would so readily go along w ending it once you've proposed it, that probably would have always been the outcome anyway, who knows?

He's starting to get deeper into his new consulting job and life won't be the glory days while it was when he was in grad school. I'd like him to feel the reality of that a bit more.

But I guess the bigger issue also - per COAch's advice above - is I don't want to be responsible for the breakup of my marriage. I fear that if I approached this an it backfired, and he's done - then I feel like I hastened it. I've got to be truly ready. He may just be waiting for me to move to realize i'm done and moving and and it's easier for him. I like the power in what COACH suggest, but yikes, it also makes me scared that that will bring about doomsday for real!!

I totally get it about taking the control back. Calling some L's this week was empowering, actually. Ugh. But gosh I don't want this D! I may not have a choice I know, but if I don't have a choice why doesn't he just push for it so I can move on? Pushing for it myself is not what I want...I know, but I am getting sick of waiting to and may have to switch gears. Fine for the next month or so since I have plenty for stuff to GAL but this has to be dealt with at some point.

Will more GALing help my sitch, or just drag-out the inevitable? That's the million $$ question, I guess.

Thanks for your ideas all above, they are great.
hhh

[CityGirl]

I haven't had the chance to yet read through your entire thread. Does your state offer any sort of legal or temporary separation option? If so that might be something to think about. It keeps your legal marriage in tact but protects you both financially and creates a framework for both a divorce OR a reconciliation.

If you do divorce most of the agreement is already in place. If you do reconcile it's a matter of getting the separation agreement dismissed. And it buys you time without just ending things with the finality of a divorce.

[pearlharbr]

Going to be blunt and possibly harsh again:

He's already gone. You've been separated for a year. He doesn't call you, he doesn't ask to see you. You're afraid if you take action you'll push him away. How much further away can he be?

Stop acting from fear. That's the big lesson I learned and I've seen some others mention it here lately. Fear is a big motivator but it only holds you back.

Do what is best for you. If you're tired of living in limbo then make a choice to move out of it.

[Coach]

but I am getting sick of waiting to and may have to switch gears. Fine for the next month or so since I have plenty for stuff to GAL but this has to be dealt with at some point.

This is from one of the greatest self-help books of all time, Oh, the Places You will Go by Dr Suess

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Cheers

[kara]

Coach, that Dr.Suess poem deserves its own thread. I think it deserves its own thread and MUST be recited by all attendees at the convention.

[hhh]

You're right Pearl, I know, the fear factor does creep in from time to time. Honestly, when I post I know it may seem like I am waiting, waiting, etc...but truly I have gotten so much better w GAL and living my own life and am busy that I do not at all think of him as much as I used to. Work is also very busy through year end - am in sales - so part of me also wants and needs to focus on that, and just keep my self healthy and emotionally strong (i guess hence part of my wanting to wait too). But you are right he has shown no indication and for all intensive purposes he's not my H right now, and may never be again in the future. He may also have his own fears too for not acting..not wanting to feel guilty, see me hurting, who knows. I know I need to take care of myself.

CG - everything is separate for us financial-wise and no financial benefit to staying married (although yes I am bitter having supported him and he's going to make big bucks in a few years...but i'd rather this be amicable and have him not take any of my savings and start w a clean slate then get into some nasty battle). separate insurance, no kids, no joint property...it would/should be pretty clean if it ends.

The fear of the unknown and jumping into it. I just don't want to beat myself up or regret anything I do...at the same time limbo forever isn't too satisfying either. But I stay busy and do my own thing for the most part...it just gets me from time to time.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Dear H,
Good to hear from you! This is such a hard question, and of course you know only you can decide if and when you're ready to move across the country & start a new life. I totally get what you're saying about being ready to call H's bluff. It's scary but you want closure. Who can blame you after so long?
I remember my C pushing me to make decisions about M only 2 mos. after the bomb! I was in so much pain & confusion it took a few mos. before I ditched her. So now I am a real advocate for us LBS to do things in our own time. No matter how long that takes. I guess what I'm saying is, you will decide when you're ready. It sounds like limboland has become tortuous after a whole year, and who can blame you? But you still don't want a D. I think if you did you would do what Coach suggests. But it's OK. When you're ready you're ready. You are very strong & so is your commitment to M. That is to be admired in our throwaway disposable world, where seems like the whole world (except here) expects you to D at the drop of a hat. (on my soapbox again, sorry!)

Here is a quote I copied a while back from Gypsy that I liked:

"Learn to define boundaries. Have you therapist help you. Counseling and medication work for you. You want to be in a good place to make good decisions.

Parameters I use are:
If it feels right, the answer is yes.
If it feels wrong, the answer is no.
If you can't make a decisions or keep waffling, the answer is no."

You are doing great and sound so strong. I don't know if any of this is helpful but please know you are have my total support. Keeping you in my thoughts. (((((H)))))
LFA