I am never coming back !!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

braveheart has made an excellent point. Some "standers" are simply standing...as in standing still and standing "around" and not GAL or growing as people...

Unless your h loses ow again AND does not find another ow, even then, why come home? You are a known quantity he believes he no longer wants. So you have to be a diff person, as in more like the woman he fell in love with so many years ago...

Why'd he pick you back then? NOT B/C you said "I'll be at home waiting no matter what you do, or who you are with, I'll be right here in the same seat, and please come home please....(but if you do return, remember that I'll throw the A in your face when I'm hurt or mad and you owe me...")

See why this won't work and keeps you stuck? Don't confuse "Standing for your M" with NOT growing... I see that a whole lot. And the forgiveness thing...as a great queen told her husband, the king, after his ONE affair & his contrition, "Neither of us is ever to bring this up again and it is to be forgotten"...once discussed, and forgiveness given, THAT IS IT....

yeah, it is hard, no kidding. That's why I said it's a learned skill. And a gift for ALL concerned...let it go.

But having said that, back to Braveheart's point. What are you doing that is a 180? Are you just hoping for a repeat of the prior sitch wherein your h had an A...and then came home...."because he did it before"??? That is not much of a plan. You must do more. You must actually DB and that is not what I am hearing.

180's, GAL, and putting a moratorium on looking at old photos...don't do it for 6 months and definitely don't do it over the holidays or when it's rainy and dreary outside....

Pretend your life is a novel. Who is writing yours? How is this chapter going? How do YOU want your next chapter to go? Why not be the author of your life and not wait for your h? Move on. If he returns, you guys have some talking to do and he'll see a new improved you, going to exciting places, meeting interesting people and doing fun things...

No more "if you want to come home you can..." NO HE CAN'T!! What about your new life? What about your new interests? Why would you say he can come home as if nothing has happened? Come on...

You create your own happiness. YES YOU DO. A great friend of mine lost her brother when she was 16 while he drove home to be at her Sweet 16 party. That was heavy. Later on her first born developed a bad case of juvenile onset diabetes and her baby daughter, just 6 months old died of a viral infection....that friend is the single most centered happiest woman I know. I told her that her pain and loss scared me. I said I feel as if that type of tragedy, let alone 3, meant "life was a picture and now someone threw some red wine on it & it's ruined" and She said, "No, life is more like a tapestry and if you stand close to it, you can see the pain and the flaws but if you step back, you can see the textures and the shadows that help make it beautiful..."She also said she stopped trying to 2nd guess her choices about her daughter's care and said she could not go back into the past and could not get back what was lost, but she still had people in her life she loved who loved her...

Step back and see what you have going for you. Make it better. Take charge of your happiness b/c you have handed an absentee man way too much control over your life. He's gone. For now that is reality. Don't waste time looking backwards at the unchangeable or into the future at the unknowable. Create a good life today with what you have and be happy. You have to take charge of your life b/c no one else will.
This is not the same as giving up so please don't misinterpret. Detach...let go. Move on. And fwiw, I had 2 relatives div and remarry their exes later on several years. It happens. But they ALL changed in the time apart. NONE of them "waited" for the other.
Good luck, you are not alone.
J-