He left anyway. Come to think about it, I must have looked VERY pathetic and unattractive... K
Yep.
This is pretty much what my H told me just a couple nights ago. When he was literally crying his eyes out.
That he didn't even recognize me as 'me' anymore by the time he left.
Some would say he drove me there with his actions (he was already 7 months into a PA, 12 months into the EA, and I had been going crazy b/c I knew it was true and he was denying all along). But we are all responsible for our own choices, actions, and reactions. I get that now.
Anyway he said by that point he was no longer remotely attracted to me...then the first year or so I was doing most of the wrong things you read about here. I am sure I didn't look any more appealing then, hell I didn't feel appealing. I let myself believe I was lacking or he wouldn't have left, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Finally late spring/early summer came and I was tired of being sad all the time. I had quit pursuing and all those obvious behaviors, but the way I carried myself showed I had no faith in myself to thrive without him. I just didn't know it.
So I have been remembering who I am, what I want from life, what I like to do, watch, eat, etc. The basics! I have developed a social life again. I have been running, lost weight, bought a new wardrobe, hair done, nails done, etc. Not for him, for me! To feel like myself again.
And I did that controversial thing....I filed. Not him. I thought forever that he should have to do it since it was HIS decision. But he just wasn't going to do it. Too comfy to live in his world, not married, not divorced, not feeling the ramifications of either lifestyle.
Then I did the other questionable thing. I got on match.com.And I went on a date. It stunk. But I knew that I was appealing to other people besides H. I have been chatting with several grown men who find me interesting, cute, funny, witty. All the things I used to consider myself but stopped believing I was after what I went through. I have a date with a more promising prospect next week.And so what if I don't find Mr. Right? It is more about feeling desirable again. And I believe it inside, too. Which brings me back to H. Crying at my kitchen table. Because now he sees that I am "back". I am "me" again. And he doesn't know wtf happened there...........
Oh, and yeah he knows I am starting to date. And he said he 'doesn't doubt for a minute' that there are guys out there who will want me...
