OK so this is nothing new. Just something that struck me today for no apparent reason so I am sharing it. Given I am over 2 years into this, so it may fall on deaf ears for you who are 'new'...
In the weeks/months (years? ) after the 'bomb', far too often--myself included--the LBS makes the majority of decisions from a position of fear. Fear of losing the WAS.
The thing is, they are already gone! Does anybody remember Wayne's World? In the movie the stalker gf tells Wayne, "Keep that up and you will lose me..." and he says, "I lost you...three months ago...get the net!" Well it is sort of like that. Except that we are the ones worried we will lose them, and they are already gone! Heck most of them have been making plans for their 'getaway' for quite some time before we realize it!
So anyway (pardon my ramble), we are petrified to take action b/c "What if what I do pushes them further away? Makes them take the big leap off the cliff?" (divorce)
Guess what??? THEY ARE COUNTING ON THAT! It's where the whole 'gaslighting' concept comes in. "Well, geez, LBS, I was just thinking I wanted to come home. But now you went and told me I can't bring OP to the family Christmas party. So I guess now I don't want to come home and it's all your fault!"
That is pitiful. But know what's more pitiful? When we actually kinda believe it is our fault...
I would put off making weekend/holiday plans, justincase my WAs might decide he wanted to spend time with me...so what did he see? Me, sitting right where he left me, easy to find if he wanted to come back. But why would he want to come bac to the same exact person he left? Duh...
Now I took back the reins.
I hired a landscape crew to totally redo the back yard.Didn't ask for input, 'in case he winds up living here too'.
Ditto the appointment with the JC Penny lady for new blinds and windowshades. No more worrying H might not come back if I bought the wrong color and didn't ask for his input....(wow--sad! )
The kids have been talking about the vacation that WE (not H) are planning already for next spring. No more waiting to plan in case H might want to come along...
OK I could go on for hours. But I won't. What is my point-- ROCK THE BOAT ALREADY!!!!
What do you have to lose?
Well if you let yourself be ruled by fear you stand to lose:
Your self-respect
Your friends (tired of you waffling on them or backing out if the chance to see WAS arises)
Your identity (I don't know who I am until WAS tells me who they want me to be).
Fear:False Evidence Appearing Right (I love this for some reason)
I agree with everything my lil sis wrote. And I want to add one more thing: I spent months before he moved out living in fear of loosing him. I remember endless nights walking on eggshells, trying to be...a doormat. THAT (=my actions/choices of the time), is actually the only thing I regret to this day.
In hindsight,I should have set my boundaries about him mistreating me, abusing me emotionally, "working late" and the "friend" he had and kicked him out of MY home...
He left anyway. Come to think about it, I must have looked VERY pathetic and unattractive... K
OK so this is nothing new. Just something that struck me today for no apparent reason so I am sharing it. Given I am over 2 years into this, so it may fall on deaf ears for you who are 'new'...
In the weeks/months (years? ) after the 'bomb', far too often--myself included--the LBS makes the majority of decisions from a position of fear. Fear of losing the WAS.
The thing is, they are already gone! Does anybody remember Wayne's World? In the movie the stalker gf tells Wayne, "Keep that up and you will lose me..." and he says, "I lost you...three months ago...get the net!" Well it is sort of like that. Except that we are the ones worried we will lose them, and they are already gone! Heck most of them have been making plans for their 'getaway' for quite some time before we realize it!
So anyway (pardon my ramble), we are petrified to take action b/c "What if what I do pushes them further away? Makes them take the big leap off the cliff?" (divorce)
Guess what??? THEY ARE COUNTING ON THAT! It's where the whole 'gaslighting' concept comes in. "Well, geez, LBS, I was just thinking I wanted to come home. But now you went and told me I can't bring OP to the family Christmas party. So I guess now I don't want to come home and it's all your fault!"
That is pitiful. But know what's more pitiful? When we actually kinda believe it is our fault...
I would put off making weekend/holiday plans, justincase my WAs might decide he wanted to spend time with me...so what did he see? Me, sitting right where he left me, easy to find if he wanted to come back. But why would he want to come bac to the same exact person he left? Duh...
Now I took back the reins.
I hired a landscape crew to totally redo the back yard.Didn't ask for input, 'in case he winds up living here too'.
Ditto the appointment with the JC Penny lady for new blinds and windowshades. No more worrying H might not come back if I bought the wrong color and didn't ask for his input....(wow--sad! )
The kids have been talking about the vacation that WE (not H) are planning already for next spring. No more waiting to plan in case H might want to come along...
OK I could go on for hours. But I won't. What is my point-- ROCK THE BOAT ALREADY!!!!
What do you have to lose?
Well if you let yourself be ruled by fear you stand to lose:
Your self-respect
Your friends (tired of you waffling on them or backing out if the chance to see WAS arises)
Your identity (I don't know who I am until WAS tells me who they want me to be).
He left anyway. Come to think about it, I must have looked VERY pathetic and unattractive... K
Yep.
This is pretty much what my H told me just a couple nights ago. When he was literally crying his eyes out.
That he didn't even recognize me as 'me' anymore by the time he left.
Some would say he drove me there with his actions (he was already 7 months into a PA, 12 months into the EA, and I had been going crazy b/c I knew it was true and he was denying all along). But we are all responsible for our own choices, actions, and reactions. I get that now.
Anyway he said by that point he was no longer remotely attracted to me...then the first year or so I was doing most of the wrong things you read about here. I am sure I didn't look any more appealing then, hell I didn't feel appealing. I let myself believe I was lacking or he wouldn't have left, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Finally late spring/early summer came and I was tired of being sad all the time. I had quit pursuing and all those obvious behaviors, but the way I carried myself showed I had no faith in myself to thrive without him. I just didn't know it.
So I have been remembering who I am, what I want from life, what I like to do, watch, eat, etc. The basics! I have developed a social life again. I have been running, lost weight, bought a new wardrobe, hair done, nails done, etc. Not for him, for me! To feel like myself again.
And I did that controversial thing....I filed. Not him. I thought forever that he should have to do it since it was HIS decision. But he just wasn't going to do it. Too comfy to live in his world, not married, not divorced, not feeling the ramifications of either lifestyle.
Then I did the other questionable thing. I got on match.com.And I went on a date. It stunk. But I knew that I was appealing to other people besides H. I have been chatting with several grown men who find me interesting, cute, funny, witty. All the things I used to consider myself but stopped believing I was after what I went through. I have a date with a more promising prospect next week.And so what if I don't find Mr. Right? It is more about feeling desirable again. And I believe it inside, too. Which brings me back to H. Crying at my kitchen table. Because now he sees that I am "back". I am "me" again. And he doesn't know wtf happened there...........
Oh, and yeah he knows I am starting to date. And he said he 'doesn't doubt for a minute' that there are guys out there who will want me...
Nice. That's a success story. Glad for you Bobbijo.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For me it was a bolt of lightening one day that I realised that my WAH and I shared a common theme - that we had both spent the past two years (!!) acting in his best interests.
WOW!!!!!! BBJ I am so glad I was reading someone's post and found this link. It is great!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
) after the 'bomb', far too often--myself included--the LBS makes the majority of decisions from a position of fear. Fear of losing the WAS. 
Well it is sort of like that. Except that we are the ones worried we will lose them, and they are already gone! Heck most of them have been making plans for their 'getaway' for quite some time before we realize it!
)
