what's tough about all this is i've been able to connect the dots on things and it's tough because what sane person would do to another the things that she has done to me.
she asked me to leave originally, now it's turned into a kicked you out deal and she's using that as to why i have a better relationship with the kids. So she's angry, taking credit and being controlling.
so knowing the things she did were heartless and that's her ringtone now (I feel bad about that), but adding a little comedy to it.
dealing with a normal breakup, it's easier to have a bad attitude, knowing deep down, it's almost like an alzheimers sitch with her, makes it a little easier on me, but you still have to shake your head.
most people would not do this to someone else and they sure as hell wouldn't be so flipping mean about it.
i'm mad at myself for making mistakes early in this deal, now probably would've ended up in same sitch, but who knows.
it would definately be easier to be able to switch off like they do wouldn't it? Part of me likes the meaning of having the good to remember, but that also makes it pretty darn sad inside, too.
i missed an opportunity again last nite w/ her email to lay down a boundary, i ignored her sarcastic comment, probably should've gone back over the top, i'm sure i'll get another opportunity, then i need to set 'em up.
In just ignoring her sarcastic comment is a baby step towards a bigger boundary for you. I think it would be very hard for you to setup a boundary completely shutting out all negative communication. By disregarding her sarcastic wit and not responding is actually a big step for you towards a bigger goal of limiting that type of communication. A few months ago you would have attacked, cried, or came here tweeting like a bird.
The more time I spend here, the more I have come to realize that divorcebusting has very little to do with saving marriages. It does lead down that path, but the true intent is not marriage saving. It has more to do you with saving yourself with the added benefit of leaving the door open to a possible reconciliation. Were as a majority of people go about this with a f@ck u attitude which basically guarantees the demise of the marriage. Using the techniques you open up yourself to accepting the actions we have had on ending our relationships. Coming to grips with these actions and finding ways to improve ourselves. There are also other insights, but for the most part this is all about us.
Going a little dark is much better than the F U attitude. Even if you don't reconcile, you are both those children's parents and that doesn't change. Someday when one of the kids gets married...I would rather be there happy for my child than be looking at my wife thinking "F U"...because that is where the F U attitude will get you in the end.
The only thing to regret is never trying....whether things go good or bad, at least you tried and from that you will learn.
Validity is a tricky thing. For one person something may be very valid and for another it might be an absolute joke. The real key is the perception of the people making the validation. Let's say you had worked all year very hard and at the end of the year ended up with a bonus. Now you might say that you have a valid argument to go out and buy that new 72" TV. You are valid in that you worked hard, worked good, and deserved a little gift for that effort...hence the TV. From your wife's point of view she agrees that you worked hard, but that also meant she spent more time cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids while you were working those long hard hours. So she could be said to have worked just as hard as you, but since you bought the TV she had no money for a new Gucchi bag. So she resents you and your tv. Both points are validated by the effort you each put in, but at the same time you would both feel that you deserve the gift.
In a majority of cases, validation is based purely on the perspective of the beholder. The key to truly becoming wiser is looking at the situation from the other persons shoes. Then you may know what validated it for them even though you disagree.
Take the bank robber....we see on the news how he held up a bank at gun point and we all agree that it is wrong what he did and don't validate (actually condone in this situation) what he did. But say we look into his world....find out he lost his job to Mexico, his three kids haven't gotten new clothes in over a year, they have all lost weight due to hungry, and his wife is checking out the drive through clerk because at least he has cash and a job. Don't you feel that those things could validate the robbers action to himself? Is it invalid for him to try and take care of his family?
In our situation....it is harder to find that validation perspective from our spouse. They don't want to share it or help ourselves improve...they are done. Hence you go on a trip of 180's, GAL'ing, etc to improve ourselves without them.....but also researching what our spouse may be feeling is a good side trip. You won't know exactly what they feel, but you could get a perspective of what it is like to be them. For a female LBS it might be going out and getting a full time job, for a male LBS it might be taking care of the kids more often. Putting on the WAS's shoes so to speak. Once you have tried those shoes on, your perspective might change. For you, I would look for a forum on spouses of ADD adults. It will open your eyes to how your wife might possible see the situation....or maybe just a board of married working housewives. Those people aren't your wife, but the life in a world closer to it than you do.
If you get out of her way....the pain and resentment should disappear. You use this time to work on yourself and maybe in the future things will change....remember that maybe is not an expectation or a want...just a possibility.
So do they know what they're doing and really not care?
MLC? No, not according to my wife. Not based upon what I saw or heard. How were you at your worst? Did you think straight? I'll even go so far as to say you might have even thought about killing yourself. Hell I did. Does that even make any sense? That's how they think...not logically. Take you at your worst and you have an inkling of how bad it is in their head. But only if it is MLC.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She does care, but from her perspective...she doesn't want to face the pain in herself anymore. so it is less painful in the whole to hurt the others than to continue in her pain.
Did you ever think that for as much as you and the kids are hurting, that maybe she is hurting more?
IF you wife's childhood was built around having an MLC later...NOTHING you could have done would have stopped it.
Nothing.
So wish for my pony for me, instead of beating yourself up.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you cannot be a better dad, husband, person...use this time to do that...just ain't Jack or Shite you could have done to stop it.
BTW Big Jack by AC/DC...Big Jack doesn't have your back...he is At your back. Big Jack from AC/DC is more of a threat to be avoided.
Not like me at all. I'm just an ass sometimes.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
