Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Thanks, stuck808. I have some time before January. I think it could make sense for me to continue with my current plan and observe changes for awhile. I have only been actively doing my plan for about 4 weeks now since I had to start over the day after I broke down in tears when he confronted me with D talk (Oct. 18)

Here is the deal with the parenting schedule: I DO have control. We draft it together each month. If I want to make changes, I CAN. Currently what makes me happy is that H is seeing our son at OUR HOUSE, NOT with the OW.

Here is the history of things I've done to try to get WH back.
Jan 1: first discovered the affair. Issued ultimatum, cried, scared. WH reluctantly chose me but kept staying friends with OW underground. (She pursued...this is a whole other story)

March 17: discovered the underground relationship. Issued ultimatum again. Kicked him out, tried to rationalize with him, sent him articles about affairs, tried to get him to see the script he was following was the same as the articles.DIDN'T WORK.Told him we need to divorce and he needs to move out. He wanted to stay in the house with me for duration of pregnancy.I said no way!!!!
We started looking up laws about D in our county, drafted parent plan, started paper work.

March 30: Told him that I couldn't see him. I didn't want him coming over to the house to check on me. We didn't email or talk or text.

end of April: I fell down in the driveway, broke my tooth, had to go to hospital. I tried calling him to take me to the hospital but he never answered (didn't hear the phone). He did feel very guilty and bad and I believe him. But This didn't even cause him to come back to me or "wake up." instead he insisted on taking the garbage to the curb for me and doing some other household things. I said I would allow that if we didn't see each other so he would leave me letters and notes and presents. The letters never said "I love you or I miss you."

So NC didn't make him come back.
May: I sent him a letter based on the advice of my therapist. He said to outline a path for him to come back to me and to let him know that I wouldn't wait forever. But that when he chose to end the relationship, I want to reconcile. I don't know how long I will feel that way. NOTHING happened.

May/JuneWe went to a couple of labor classes together, baby dr. appts, NOTHING changed.

July:he moved in with me and the baby for 3 weeks. During this stay, he did ask about the divorce, I said I had the fantasy of him coming back one day and he said he thought about it but he has made too much of a mess. He will always love me and never stopped.
I tell him I don't want to divorce yet. I ask him if he is 100% sure he wants the divorce. He can't answer. He says no relationship has guarantees, but he isn't ready to end his relationship yet and he doesn't expect me to wait for him. NOTHING CHANGED.

August to October: I get emotional from time to time, I am bitchy to him, I am nice to him. I start "going out" each Thursday night. I don't lose much weight or make any major changes other than try not to show him that I care. I try to be neutral. NOTHING CHANGED

October 18: he brings up divorce, I freak out.
October 19:I start to make changes that he will notice and are good for me--cooking new dishes, cleaning, working out, looking good, being happy not just neutral. NOT arguing with him about our baby, not pressuring him to talk about divorce, stop chasing/ pursuing.

Oct 26: He brings up idea of me letting him take our son each Saturday starting November, to "transition" into the parenting plan. I tell him I'll think about it.

Oct 27: He brings it up again. I tell him I'll think about it.
Oct 31: He brings it up again. I tell him nicely that I need some more time, please. He tells me I will never be comfortable with the idea. I say no, I won't but I would like some more time please.
Nov 1:He brings it up again. Comes over, right away says he brought the parenting plan and wants to discuss it at some point so I say how about now. He says we need to start documenting.(??) I tell him that he is allowed to see his son as much as he wants and all I asked was for more time.We compromise and decide on Nov. 7.He asks for 5-6 hours. I say 3 or 4. We compromise on 4.

HE STARTS CRYING and says he can't imagine the future when he only sees his son every 3 or 4 days. (When he is a certain age, we are splitting custody 50/50) He wants to see if we can find a way to arrange something different. I am CALM, DRY EYED, AND SAY "You know I don't want the divorce, right?" I see his eyes get big for a second and he says "yeah, I know." I remind him that this is his choice, not mine. Then I leave to go grocery shopping. He never took the parenting plan paperwork out of the bag.