Validity is a tricky thing. For one person something may be very valid and for another it might be an absolute joke. The real key is the perception of the people making the validation. Let's say you had worked all year very hard and at the end of the year ended up with a bonus. Now you might say that you have a valid argument to go out and buy that new 72" TV. You are valid in that you worked hard, worked good, and deserved a little gift for that effort...hence the TV. From your wife's point of view she agrees that you worked hard, but that also meant she spent more time cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids while you were working those long hard hours. So she could be said to have worked just as hard as you, but since you bought the TV she had no money for a new Gucchi bag. So she resents you and your tv. Both points are validated by the effort you each put in, but at the same time you would both feel that you deserve the gift.
In a majority of cases, validation is based purely on the perspective of the beholder. The key to truly becoming wiser is looking at the situation from the other persons shoes. Then you may know what validated it for them even though you disagree.
Take the bank robber....we see on the news how he held up a bank at gun point and we all agree that it is wrong what he did and don't validate (actually condone in this situation) what he did. But say we look into his world....find out he lost his job to Mexico, his three kids haven't gotten new clothes in over a year, they have all lost weight due to hungry, and his wife is checking out the drive through clerk because at least he has cash and a job. Don't you feel that those things could validate the robbers action to himself? Is it invalid for him to try and take care of his family?
In our situation....it is harder to find that validation perspective from our spouse. They don't want to share it or help ourselves improve...they are done. Hence you go on a trip of 180's, GAL'ing, etc to improve ourselves without them.....but also researching what our spouse may be feeling is a good side trip. You won't know exactly what they feel, but you could get a perspective of what it is like to be them. For a female LBS it might be going out and getting a full time job, for a male LBS it might be taking care of the kids more often. Putting on the WAS's shoes so to speak. Once you have tried those shoes on, your perspective might change. For you, I would look for a forum on spouses of ADD adults. It will open your eyes to how your wife might possible see the situation....or maybe just a board of married working housewives. Those people aren't your wife, but the life in a world closer to it than you do.
If you get out of her way....the pain and resentment should disappear. You use this time to work on yourself and maybe in the future things will change....remember that maybe is not an expectation or a want...just a possibility.
