Hi D, I'm sorry you found something that hurt. I guess I feel that I'd rather know the "truth" or what's really going on and be hurt than have the wool pulled over my eyes, find out later(maybe) and feel hurt and stupid.
If H cheats again then personally I'm not sure ai can stand for the marriage anymore. I don't think it sets a good example for the girls. H didn't physically cheat until after he moved out and he felt the marriage was over..the EA is something I'm not sure he grasps-at least how it hurts and can lead a person away from his/her spouse...I don't think H would physcially cheat while living at home but I want to know if an EA starts...right now it seems the HS FB friend is the one starting the texts and H is just responding...I'm OK with that. If the HS FB friend becomes more of an issue I'll figure out what I need to do or say.
I think my H is pretty vulnerable right now. He pokes his head out of the tunnel a bit more frequently..but he is still dealing with a lot mentally, I think. He's kind of like my third child at times...
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Update: H has been emailing HSFB friend..they've been talking about getting together for sushi and drinking Purple Haze saki(this is the one thing H did with OW that he and I never did...that he mentionned)..so HSFB friend says..Can you invite "KJ"? He says..of course.."I don't want you or KJ feeling uncomfortable about our friendship"....
So I'd like to believe this is all normal and OK but part of me is mind reading...and doesn't... So now HS/FB friend and her two sons are getting together with all of us(H, me and the girls) for pizza/bowling next Friday. WOOOOHOOOOOO.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
W2S, Thanks for the post. More wackiness today. H isn't remember ing the kids schedules and stuff and really doesn't realize its him, not me... Is nice then sends me a "zinger" comment... Hard to keep up..
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
More negativity lately..just seems to seep from H at times. Trying to let it roll off my back.
In my mind I keep imagining what my life would be like without H-wondering if I'm preparing myself..?
I know I'd be lonely and sad, but I'd go to movies more with the girls without guilt...read in bed with the light on until I was ready to go to sleep...not worry about waking H when I get in the shower in the am...no more whiskers to clean out of the sink...watch my tivo-ed Oprah whenever I want without worry of a snarky comment from H..there would be some benefits!
Just not trusting H much..thinks he's more secretive since the password change "test"..was at lunch with him yesterday and he excused himself to go to the bathroom and took his cell phone with him...I said that seemed funny to me when he came back and he had some excuse about going out to the bar with his cousin the night before and taking it with him..being a "habit".
Whatever!
So..more secretiveness, more anger, maybe more replay with HS/FB friend...just more of the same?
The thing that hurts is that H wants to do things with other people like his cousin and his HS/FB friend but when I ask him to join me in something he doesn't want to...maybe its just because its me..still smarts.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
It must be difficult to be trying to "reconcile" but still having all the swings and secrecy and replay.
We are not there at all, but I can't believe all the cycling. Just when I think he might be getting somewhere, he might be moving forward a bit, thinking a bit, he goes back. We seem to be back in quite a lot of replay the past few days. Whatever is right. Trying to detach!! I just hate seeing the rebellious teenager in him. Yuck.
It is tough. I am finally realizing partly WHY this is such a long journey - they don't seem to just work through it and go straight through, but go back and forth and back and forth so much.
Hi TIF, I hope you have a great weekend as well. My H is still waffling around alot too...I think to say we're in piecing is premature...I think our townhome is a convenient place for him to live but if he had the money to live on his own he would in a heartbeat-and that would probably be easier on me and the girls! Oh well. It is what it is..
I do like having him around when he's "normal" which is spotty at best! :-)
I think, like you, that detaching is key for our sanity. I think my imaginings of life without H are a way my brain is trying to get there...We'll see if it starts working!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I think my H would also be out of here pretty quickly if we had the money, too. It is so sad. Hope the detaching works for you! It is so hard.
I think the glimpses I get of my "real" H are what keeps me here. He is still in there I believe and at times seems he is trying to fight his way back out. I am grateful when I see those glimpses and see him being way more normal with the kids these days, at least when he feels like it.
I know checking who H is texting amount(via our phone subscriber billing online) is NOT detaching. I am definitely NOT trusting H right now since he changed the email password as a "test". So I've been checking how often he texts HS/FB friend-which he has still never told me he does.
This morning the password to his online mobile billing was changed. If you try three times incorrectly it emails him a notice..so I only tried once(I could have made a typo but don't think so)and got the incorrect password message.
So I'm really disappointed in these games. It makes me think there's alot more to this HS/FB friendship than H states and I really DON'T want to meet her and the kids with my girls there and pretend I'm fine with all of this secretive crap. Maybe its just H and not the friend..but it feels weird b/c H isn't up front and open with me. I know I probably shouldn't expect this. Do I need to just grin and bear it and realize this is just MLC and nothing to do with me? It feels very personal right now.
Does anyone reading this think this is just replay within withdrawal or replay and I should just forget about it and be? That's one of my possible choices...I just don't like being lied to-I know who does?
Last night H and were talking about our differing opinions about money and H said when I 'flipped out" when he transferred $15,000 from the sale of our house into his retirement account it felt like I didn't know him. It bothered him alot and made him think there wasn't hope for us. This was months ago and he's never said a thing about how he felt... We had talked about him doing that, but I thought the amount we agreed upon was $10,000..and he didn't say before he did it.."Hey I'm going to do this.." so I just saw the money disappear out of our money market account.
My flipping out wasn't major-just a question and some concern and a little bit of anger that he didn't forewarn me.
So I asked H is he'd feel more comfortable trying to go on a vacation or at least saving for one if he had more in his retirement account and he thought that maybe that would help... He already has plans to put more of his business money profits into his retirement account-he hasn't contributed but $500 in the last few months to our joint living expenses.
He really has very little in his retirement account compared to me.
Well, right now I feel very vulnerable about our future, don't trust him and really don't feel like doing anything for him, not making Thanksgiving meal for us and his cousin, not going bowling with his HS/FB friend..nothing.
H was home last night by himself while I took the girls to see New Moon..he never cleaned up the dinner dishes, left the pizza out and had 2/3 bottle of wine by himself..(and probably texted then changed his password)...Feel like we're just moving backwards at a pretty fast speed.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Does anyone reading this think this is just replay within withdrawal or replay and I should just forget about it and be? That's one of my possible choices...I just don't like being lied to-I know who does?
In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? How does it change what you should be doing? It shouldn't.
I know it sucks because you thought maybe he was done with this crap. I know how you feel. Remember patience, compassion, and understanding.
Originally Posted By: kjensen
Feel like we're just moving backwards at a pretty fast speed.
Just because it is negative doesn't mean he isn't moving forward. Does that make sense? Progress won't always be measured in positives.
And as my friend Mach tells me, what happens HAS to happen for him to resolve his issues.
