Journaling -

I was able to get an early appt with the IC today, so I'll go. I was SO hoping/thinking that I was past this urgent stuff...

I think I have blocked a lot of it out, but I know that I cried a lot as a child. Probably daily. At first, it was about neighborhood kids who would tease me because I was an easy target; I cared what they thought, a people-pleaser. I was used a lot. Often left when someone / something more exciting came along.
Then I developed an interest in boys in fourth grade or so. Would dream about so-and-so in class liking me - again, it mattered to me. Of course, they were too busy for nonsense like that! And I was not one of the pretty/popular girls. I would turn myself inside out, trying to be someone they might like, never even talking to them about it, just crush after crush, home to cry everyday that "he" didn't see me.
That went on for years...
My sister was born when I was in 5th grade, which complicated things (I was a main caretaker). I had to be home. There was no such thing as being driven somewhere for a playdate (before or after she was born).

I got close once...a boy down the street and I developed a really close friendship. I was head-over-heels, but he was oblivious. I was happy to just hang out with him most days after school, do homework, watch tv. He taught me to bowl. Lasted about 4 months.
Until the Monday he told me about the great weekend he had with this other girl - they had gotten drunk and had a snowball fight with no shoes on. (I was always seen as the goody-goody, never even invited to parties my friends from school would have...still not sure why, but it just didn't happen).

I think that was when I decided that I would be alone forever, and to just get used to the idea. No more crying, no more crushes or hopeful anticipation / expectations.
I met my x only a few months later. And everything, everything changed.
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I find myself back to square one, only this time it is worse. I know what love is like, and what I lost and is no longer have. I am grateful for the time I had, but still...

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X as a security blanket...
I think that he was more than that to me. He was so many things to me. Yes, I know it is unhealthy. He filled in the pieces of a broken girl and that relationship held me together for more than 20 years.

Now, I have been shattered, and I'm not sure if I can build those pieces myself after so long. I guess I will just keep on trying - what else is there to do?