Kalni, I just noticed, you have over 8669 posts credited to you, WOW! What is your current situation like? Do you have a link to your current situation on here?
rob, I am on Seperated, Looking for Sunshine, 68# thread? - still cant do the links after 8670 posts!-.
Went thru the whole thing :seperation, DBing, detachment, falling in love with another man, H wanted back, deciding -against my instict- to give it a try- reconciliting for 10 months but he wasnt with me- set a deadline for msyself to stop faking it-20 days before the deadline my keylogger works and I find out about his A that he had never admitted to and was still on and off- rage, anger etc- 1,5 month later H wants back and seems serious and is a bit different. I am in Pre Piecing stage but still dont know what I am able to do.
The number of posts are mostly because our little circle of friends here, have fun as well. Endless party nights!!! K
Well as long as someone else said it this time so that I don't have to keep typing the same thing over & over again.
Hmmmm....
1. DB'ing, probably helped a bit, the positive mental attitude, acting friendly, not pursuing, etc. But let's be serious, your perceived value in the eyes of your WAS is low, you are doing these things to try & win them back, they know it, they can sense it, it doesn't have to be verbally communicated - human beings communicate this via body language, it's not telepathy but the message is easily communicated & registered without a single word being spoken. Low value = not good enough for me, I'm high value and I'll have my fun, you can wait maybe forever, I'll decide when and/or if I want you back, I'm in control.
2. Detachment, this is where the idea gets across to the WAS, hey this person is no longer there regularly, something is up, why aren't they pursuing me as much, I haven't rec'd a call or email or text from them for what seems like forever. WAS questions that value issue, I was high value and LBS was pursuing me regularly, my ego appreciated that, they're not doing that anymore, I'm not getting that ego fix I've been appreciating for such a long time, why aren't they still doing this for me, I was pretty sure I was in control of this relationship, this is weird, maybe I'll contact the LBS every now & then and dangle that carrot just to wake them up a bit, I love teasing them and it worked so well before... hmmmm.... this isn't working that great anymore. Maybe my value isn't as high as I thought it was, maybe LBS's value is increasing and I don't want to acknowledge it but it is making me very curious. They were there before and now they're not, they were pulling me in before and I was pushing them away all the time. They're not pulling me in anymore and there is this space between us, I miss the push/pull, maybe I have to get involved a little bit to get this dynamic going again. Hmmmm.... still it gives me doubts on my high value (and at the same time thinking about the LBS increases their perceived value)
3. Dating someone else.... WTF just happened?! I was high value, I was in control, I determined how things were going - this was my choice to leave and my choice for them to suffer because it helped me heal emotionally and boosted my ego and made me feel really good. I loved that feeling of power. But now they're (LBS) not only equal value to me, they're higher value. They made the CHOICE to move on, they made the CHOICE to start seeing other people, they don't want me anymore, if they don't want me anymore, that means I have no value to them, that means I have low value and they have high value. Oh no, what have I done to my marriage, this is no longer my decision, my LBS is now the WAS and I want them back!!! Crisis, emergency, life is upside down now, I have no control, I want what I had because I no longer have it, I should have appreciated what I had!
LBS mentality: pleading, begging, pursuing, I'll change, I can do better, please take me back.
Sound familiar?
All the dating naysayers out there, this is why it works. Kalni is just one example of detachment & dating others.
Human nature doesn't follow petty rules of right & wrong, good & bad, standing up for your marriage, I'm better than that and all other such foolishness. We are applying our own personal flawed logic to a process that follows it's own logic, a logic that has permitted the human race to survive and flourish and populate the planet. Get over your bad habits, your social programming and start learning what works and start doing it. They say that emotion & logic don't mix, emotion does have it's own logic, you just have to learn how it works.
