John - thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm trying to roll with it all, as best I can, and have detached to some extent...I am very busy w work and social plans and there are days that I don't think too much about H anymore.
That said - and I welcome any/all advice, although I also no there is no necessary right/wrong and no silver bullet. I just don't know how to approach this stuff myself. Sometimes I feel better when i'm just living my life and not thinking about confronting H. At the same time, we've been separated for 1 year now and had very minimal contact these past 4-5 months. He's settled into his new apt and new job. I've been going on a few dates and out having fun, living my life as much as I can as a happy single person, and trying to stay positive. Would I prefer H be back in my life? Yes, of course, but know I can't control him.
That said, we don't have any meeting set up again. Do I try to set up time for us to get together to 'talk' myself? Or do I just keep doing my thing and healing and let him do it? (He was one walked out on our marriage, but I get sense he's waiting for me to take action).
I keep thinking about what Pearl said awhile ago: "how would you envision your life without H?" And I'd move back to CA across next few months, get settled there w my job (company just opened office there), set up w resources in terms of counselor and friends and all, support-system. But it is darn hard to plan a full-on move cross country still in limbo-land. I wonder sometimes if I do it, or if I don't and force conversation in advance, if that will change anything w H?
I do remember early DR/MWD advice about first step is dissolving negative feelings and then starting up w friendship again. Our last few conversations/interactions have been quite civil and even enjoyable/friendly....so part of me wonders about keeping up this momentum...could that ever lead to something more again? So I don't want to jump ship before giving that a full chance, at the same time, he hasn't been a H to me in the past year (and I see objectively what his 'beef' was w me and the relationship and I gave grown in so many ways).
If we don't see each other this weekend then I'm gone for 3 weeks and almost Xmas...and I'm wondering if I should drag this out into next year? At the same time if I initiate a meeting and discuss where we stand/next steps, I am almost certain that he'll just say the same thing, that he wants D. This is where I see that DB is about stopping a divorce (none has happened yet), but does that mean tiddly-squat if it doesn't rebuild a marriage and just prolong the inevitable. However, I partially want to avoid it b/c I have fun things planned across the next month and in sometimes status quo might be better than dealing w the emotional fallout of this really, truly, ending. Yet if it's going to happen I should just deal w it now, no?
If he is 100% done with me I'd rather get on and start rebuilding my life. But I don't want to be premature either. Yes he hasn't shown me one indication in past year that he wants to work on this...and pressing the point again may push D.. but then again, if that so easily would push towards D wouldn't it just happen anyway?
I really struggle w pushing the point w H or not. Help!
