Stu, I think that you handled your sons call well. He needs to know that even if you arent there all the time anymore, you are still his dad and will still be there for him. I dont think that you should do it on sunday either. Its going to be really tough for both of you, and you dont need to go through it, or put him through it that day, it will shadow your entire day, and I for one think that you deserve to just have a good day.
I dont think that there is going to be any "good" way to tell him. But I do think that you should both be there. I would start doing some research and see if you can learn how to be really sensitive to what he is going to need from you.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I've asked W if we could postpone it, and she asked why. I said I didn't want to do it on my birthday, and she was ok with it.
I also told her this afternoon about the "who will be his father" part, and she apologised. She said she always tells him that I'll be there for him, and he can call me anytime, but she said she will make sure he knows that i'll always be his dad. She didn't seems upset at all that our son thinks he is loosing his father which really annoyed me. Thats a terrible thing for a son to think, but she showed no emotion.
She asked if I could make his room at my parents place a bit more homely, so it seems more stable, cause he has been asking about where he will live when he stays with me. I said I would.
The priest that I have been talking to also called me this afternoon. He asked if anything had happened. I explained what she had said about being happier without me. He doesn't believe she knows what she really wants yet. He said maybe she thinks she just wants to live the single life and have fun I said either way, she has said it, and I have to respect that.
I agree, there isn't going to be a good way to tell our son, and I will look into it to see what he needs from me when we tell him.
I agree with your priest. I dont think that she knows what she wants. I think that she has convinced herself that this is how she will be happy. And I know that when reality sinks in for her, she is going to be very disappointed.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I'm hoping she dodesn't really know what she wants. I'd be prepared to work on it if she comes around, but I'm using this time to look after myself and build on my relationship with my son.
I booked him into a karate lesson tomorrow, and when I told him this afternoon, he was very excited. I found out that some family friends also take their kids there, and my son knows them. So I'm hoping he will enjoy it even more. I'm also doing my first lesson on Monday night. (oh, and I picked up my cpap machine, so I'm gonna see how that goes tonight)
I finally got my copy of DR today. Man, it really hits home. So many things in the book describe exactly what I am going through. I have already read the first 75 pages. It has given me hope, but the only thing i'm not sure about is does it still apply to WAS when they have already asked for a divorce, and are not willing to even try. As I was reading, I thought I would love for her to read it. Especially the parts about how people thing divorce is an easy way out and don't really consider the consequences of it. I know I can't give it to her, but I felt like calling her and saying "read this". Has any-one else experienced that ?
Oh yeah, for sure, I thought that a thousand times! But, even if I could get him to read it, he would have blown it off, just like he scoffed at everything, and everyone who didnt pat him on the a$$ and tell him that he just needed to do what made him happy!
It does still apply, even after a D, it can apply. The first rule, re-establish your friendship, is the first place to start.
You are taking better care of yourself, the CPAP is a step in the right direction, keep up those positive changes.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Stu, perish the thought! You do NOT go about showing your hole card when you play poker do you? (and if you do, could we hook up?)
You know that little lightbulb that lit up when you read the book? HER lightbulb is running on a different voltage right now. You're looking at multiple potential short circuits if you flip that switch.
Right now, it's for you. Use it to help yourself.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I finally got my copy of DR today. Man, it really hits home. So many things in the book describe exactly what I am going through. I have already read the first 75 pages. It has given me hope, but the only thing i'm not sure about is does it still apply to WAS when they have already asked for a divorce, and are not willing to even try.
It can apply even then. There is a section on "last resort techniques".
This fight isn't over until the divorce decree is final. And maybe not even then -- it's not that unusual for a divorced couple to remarry.
Originally Posted By: stu321
As I was reading, I thought I would love for her to read it.
Only if you want to completely blow any usefulness the book will have. If she reads it, then she will "know" that everything you try to do is part of a "plan" to get her back.
Originally Posted By: stu321
Especially the parts about how people thing divorce is an easy way out and don't really consider the consequences of it.
There's no point in bringing that up; walkaway spouses are already convincing themselves that it will be OK in the long run.
I have a friend whose divorce decree was finalized yesterday. She said that she felt empty and worn-out -- and she was the one who filed.
That is one of the reasons you do not fight them when they say they want to D, but you don't make it easier on them either. You don't agree to "keep lawyers out of it"; you don't help them fill out the paperwork. They get to experience the full effect of the process.
Originally Posted By: stu321
I know I can't give it to her, but I felt like calling her and saying "read this". Has any-one else experienced that ?
There are other books you can get for that. I have copies of The Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs sitting around, if my wife is interested. She doesn't get to see DB or DR, though...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It has given me hope, but the only thing i'm not sure about is does it still apply to WAS when they have already asked for a divorce, and are not willing to even try.
My wife left our home, served me with D papers and was done with me. DB works. I didn't really start DBing until she was gone. We are both very happy in our marriage now.
I was not dealing with a affair. You need to change tactics up front if you are.
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
