Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Journaling~

Woke up this morning and wasn't feeling very serene.

Spent about an hour and a half on the phone last night with my MIL and she gave me some things to think about.

She doesn't know if my H can admit his faults because all he has ever done from day one when the going gets rough is run.

She is thankful to God every night of the love that I have for him and that I am willing to stand back and allow him to self-destruct.

All good and well however the questions I have within myself -

What kind of woman am I?

A part of me feels I should have more self-respect and should cut my losses -

Find someone who is worthy of my love because he sure isn't at this point in time.

I have based everything on a feeling I can't shake no matter how hard I try -

A feeling that no matter what happens, our marriage will survive this and become a better, stronger, more loving marriage.

That is the feeling I had as he sat in our garage so many months ago and admitted he had cheated.

I always thought if he cheated, I would be outta there yet here I am, trying to improve my self, learning new things about me.

I am strong enough to survive on my own, I don't need him in my life to be whole.

His actions have been ugly at best and I still want to make this work so what does that say about me?

I have searched within to make sure it isn't fear keeping me wanting to work on our marriage.

So what is it?

What makes a normal, sane woman want to hold onto something, that was once so secure and beautiful but that has now turned vile and hateful.

What turns a strong, ethical, moral, resposible man into a weak, selfish, morally bankrupt shell of his former self?

A man who used to care about his children however would now rather spend his days off trolling on FB.

He doesn't spend any time with them, doesn't call, doesn't check on them - What happened to him and why do I even care?

So again - What kind of woman have I become?