I get the impression that your H might be intimidated by you, and that his callous treatment of you, especially the condescension, is really his immature way of trying to elevate himself above his spouse -- to prove to himself and others he's "wearing the pants". From what you describe, I think he's got an inferiority complex and he feels it necessary to feel he's the king of his roost at least. It's that male respect thing again -- and unfortunately too many men don't handle that very well.
The birthday party thing is maddening, I agree -- it sounds so schizophrenic -- and yet it somehow dovetails with all his other behavior, oddly, and is thus not that surprising. Odd, but not that surprising. I suspect your H was acting somewhat passive-aggressively in that regard -- he wants to be of help to someone (his heart is in the right place), but he's (maybe) protesting something about you, either consciously or unconsciously?
There's some form of impasse here that I can't quite put my finger on.
I can say that, on so many levels, the both of you are struggling with proper boundaries in your MR. The friction and aggravation each of you feel toward each other obviously stem from this. (I recommend the book/series Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I only wish I had read this during my M instead of after it was too late.)
