Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

It's 7am, and I'm sitting here waiting for W to come over. I know that she ended up texting with OM until 3:20 this morning, after I made the poor decision to call her at Midnight. I'm going to go into work late today, so we can talk after s7 has left for school.

I REALLY don't want a divorce, yet I know that my (and her) actions have most likely backed her into a corner to the point where that is the direction this is heading. Any more suggestions how I should word things this morning?

All I asked her last night was if she was still in contact with OM and if she had any response to what I said in my letter to her. I still believe that with 3 days and a IC visit between the boundary set, she should be able to answer me by now.

[CountingCrows]

I'm getting mixed signals here. Should I demand an answer now, or do I not push for a decision right away?! Help...as you can tell, I'm completely clueless how to handle this situation.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Obviously I needed to be clearer and insisted total transparency. How do I go back and add that part?

"I feel that your continued contact with OM is disrespectful of me, and of our marriage. If you are going to be with me and live in our home, you need to cut off all contact with him; I insist on total transparency so that I can confirm that you have done so.

If you do not break off contact with him, then you will pack your things and move out, and I will start filing for divorce."

Give her five minutes to consider her options, then help her start packing.

BINGO.

Look, CC, this is YOUR boundary, not HERS. Only YOU can know what your own internal "deadline" is. What's best for you and your son. You don't sit around and wait for her to decide; you TELL YOURSELF how long you think you can wait, and which boundary(s) are dealbreakers, and which behaviors are mere annoyances, and then you deal with the consequences.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think there are short-term, immediate boundaries, and then there are long-term, things that you will abide and that you won't.

"I will not live in an open marriage, or one where my wife is in contact with OM" is really more of a LONG-term thing. Even kicking her ass out, and going thru a contested divorce, would take time.

Short-term boundaries should be things like "I will not tolerate your texting OM from inside of my own home," or " . . . in front of me or our son." If she's doing this from elsewhere, there's not much you can do about it other than proceed with your own plans about the marriage, or to set your own deadline (maybe 3-6 mos., or whatever you feel you can endure).

For me, my short-term boundaries were:

- no texting or phoning OM from inside of our home;

- no texting or phoning OM in front of the kids, regardless of where you are;

- if you're going to stay out past 1am, don't bother coming home;

- I will not allow family's finances to be used to enable your affair (cellphone, tummy tuck Visa payments, lingerie, haircoloring, etc.).

And then yes, I also stated my overarching boundary of "I will not live in an open marriage," but I gave her no deadline on that, nor would I recommend that. Because if you give them a deadline of, say, Dec. 1st, then they'll cake-eat until Nov. 30th, and then promise you the moon and the stars at the 23rd hour to try to stave up you dumping them.

I think you need to separate what your immediate boundaries are, from your overarching one.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

She's texting from elsewhere after s7 goes to school. She's been out of the house for 3.5 weeks now.

[bluerain]

Ok CC, what about the finances, I understand that shes texting on "her own time", but are you paying her cell phone, or anything like that?

IMO, I dont think that you should demand an answer. I think that you should let her know, as I think you already have, that you will not live in an open marriage, that you think that her continued contact with OM is disrespectful to your M, and your family. And then stop all relationship talk. ALL relationship talk. Any timelines you set should be personal, dont set her up to lie to you or give her a warning of when you are going to act.

Even if you do demand answers, if there is an OM involved, she has this sort of fuzzy, warped view of what will happen when you and her go your seperate ways. She cant fully appreciate what it will mean... thats the whole idea of her being in a fog. She thinks that you are the obstacle to her happiness, and getting rid of you will free her up to be with OM.

[CountingCrows]

Excellent advice, BR. Wednesday morning, when W came over to see s7 off to the bus, we did discuss R briefly, and reiterated my boundary that I would not live in an open marriage, and that I felt it was disrespectful that she was continuing to have any contact with OM. I also mentioned that I was missing some of my prescription drugs, and asked if she had taken them. She denied it, of course.

I saw an atty on Wed to discuss my situation and options. They were able answer many of my questions regarding state laws regarding custody and property division. We live in a joint property state, so all assets AND debts would be split between the two of us, should we divorce. They recommended against a legal S, as it typically just ends up where you end up paying twice. Right now, I've decided to just hold for a little bit, while my emotions are still so stirred up. If I set a date, it will be internal.

We still have some serious financial burdens (unsecured credit card and loan debts) that are likely to require that we file bankruptcy, so regardless of any decision I make, this is going to take a while. This week, I deactivated W's cell phone that I had been paying for, and she's on her own with her formerly "secret phone". I also cut off the membership to a local fitness club that I had set up for her birthday about 10 days before she left home. I'm getting signed receipts for the cash payments I make to her each week, and she understands and accepts that I will not continue to pay her truck/insurance payment for much longer.

We've not discussed R since Wednesday morning, although this morning when she came over, she was complaining about how much in the hole she was due to going over her allotted minutes on her cellphone and the auto-drafting putting her account in the negative. All I said was "It certainly wasn't because of me." This made her flare up briefly, and then we both let it drop.

This afternoon, W called to find out when/where I would meet her to give her the "allowance". We worked out the details, and then out of the blue she says "I'm really sorry, but I did steal some of your meds." and proceeded to tell me exactly what she took (correct by my count), and said that she was really sorry and offered to repay me. W told me that it had really been bothering her that she took them and that she lied. She said that regardless of what happens with our R, she wanted to start building some level of trust, even though she realizes that it will take a lot more than this incident to earn it. I appreciated her honesty and told her that I'd rather her be totally honest, even with the negative things.

I'm in a position where I can't really go completely "dark", since I end up seeing W nearly every day due to s7. However, I'm not texting/calling her and I'm keeping our meetings casual and not discussing R, only things related s7/pets/finances.

W had asked yesterday if s7 could spend the night with her on Sat. after she got off work. Although I initially declined, I reconnected with a friend who wanted me to come over and play guitar with him (something we haven't done in a long time). I called W and asked if she still wanted s7 to sleep over and told her that I was going to spend the evening with friend. She agreed, so I'm going to make another step to GAL and spend some time with my friend this weekend.

I'm working tonight/tomorrow with s7 on a Cub Scout project, so I need to get back to that now.

Thanks for the excellent advice and 2x4's when deserved.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good stuff, CC. I'm really pleased that she showed you respect in copping to taking the meds, and that you've laid out some healthy boundaries on the finances. I know you probably still feel like $hit, but these are some important victories. You need to tip a glass to a job well-done, and celebrate them along the way.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Thanks PDT for giving me a different perspective on things. Hadn't really looked at these things I've done as victories...and you're right, I do still feel like $hit.

Tonight, it's been 4 weeks since I found out she was still in contact with OM. After reading your note above, I can at least see now that I've made some progress since that devastating night.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Progress needs to be measured relative to the level of stress you're under, and the magnitude of what you've had to deal with.

By those standards, you've come pretty far indeed.