I am never coming back !!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Irmac & Braveheart,et al

someone asked what I did for the recon and it's somewhat like what other successful LBSers did with its' own twist. True, I did put up with more than I ever thought I would but hey, I wanted to make it work and we had kids.

But finally, when the terror of being an LBSer subsided and I wasn't reeling so much, when I rationally looked at it and realized I would not live in a cardboard box or lose my kids...things got a bit better. I would survive this terrible thing...but who would I be like? Would I get bitter or better?

THen things got A LOT better as I took more control of my life fully, which had been somewhat sidetracked due to being a mother and L and having a h with a demanding career. I joined things, pushed myself, stayed VERY active in children's lives, and When I let go of worrying about meeting H's needs & instead just meeting mine and the kids, it got easier. I saw the pros of being not married to HIM.. there are some pros to not being married to a man, no matter who the man is.

I applied to various jobs I was interested in that would not keep me near h but would be fine with the kids. I made plans, took trips without h, with and without the kids, had mystery, GAL, met om --didn't really get involved but definitely knew I would not HAVE to be alone the rest of my life if a div happened....and I eventually fully believed then as I do now, that my h would be crazy to leave me and our d, and that he'd be the loser, not me. Even if he were "happier" for awhile it would be irrelevant to MY happiness, which I would create...so fwiw, forget who is with whom or whether your ex is miserable yet....instead I found that taking the trips and letting him go off to the tundra where he discovered the streets were not paved with gold and I would NOT join him without changes in him that were real, seemed to jolt him. ( Took more than one jolt.) But yeah, we are together and working on things and I'm often very very hopeful about really making it. We now have 28 y/o M. We still have our moments and I now accept that we always will. We are all works in progress.

I will say 2 things are crucial to your being happy OR reconciled...

1) NOT caring whether the WAS is happy away from you, but only if YOU are happy in your life; and
2) truly learning to forgive what they did in a way that won't make you nuts. This is a learned skill, and most people do NOT learn it and in my opinion, the single biggest reason people do NOT reconcile is b/c the WAS does not believe that they'll ever be forgiven--and they're right b/c the LBSer does now know how or want to forgive OR OR The LBSer will make it so clear that they are still waiting for the WAS no matter what...and waiting...that it turns the WAS off and they stay away.

Forgiveness and detachment go together.. They are not in disagreement. Detach, let go, and maybe someday you'll have a chance at recon. But either way, you'll be healthier and happier a lot faster by working on your own happiness instead of wondering why and how and whether the WAS is happier than you are, etc.....lose the scorecard and take care of yourself.

Good luck,
j-