Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

So... I just spent some hours reading your threads in detail and making notes (9 pages of them.) I want to mull over the notes later.

Thank you for taking the time. I appreciate it.

In the meantime, here's what I see about your H:

a) Your H seems to suffer from paranoia.

Hmmmm... never thought of him as paranoid. I work with someone who is paranoid and it drives me completely insane. I think of him more as suspicious of me and my intentions, what I'm hiding, what I really mean. Does that make me paranoid???

b) His behavior exhibits traits of a Passive-Aggressive person.

I can see why he might seem this way from my description on the thread. I will not say that isn't the case. He is quiet more times than not when I am seething, just makes me more angry. He doesn't waste words and his actions are very calculated. He is an observer and he has everyone's number in interactions.

Believe it or not, I am generally a very happy person; I tend to let little things go and go and go until they build up and I explode. Not good, I know.

I personally have some Passive-Aggressive in me but not to the extent of your H. I deal with it differently. I admit we're not the easiest people in the world to get along. Especially when we feel we've been wronged. Google it for more information, I think it will help you a little.

I'll check it out, couldn't hurt.

Questions for you.
1) Attorney: You've been advised to and have suggested seeking legal counsel a few times. Have you done this yet? If not, why not? If you have, what did they say?

Yes, I did consult one who told me that she didn't think I was ready to move forward. This was about a year ago though, before I joined the DB boards. I mentioned it to my H and he turned it around on me later. "You're the one who called the attorney." Have I mentioned that he turns everything around on me?

2) Have you two ever been apart for an extended period of time during your marriage? i.e. Moving out for longer than a week.

No, neither of us has ever moved out. I have gone away a couple of times for 2 weeks at a time on business, saw him on the weekends.

I'll wait for your answer because I need to step away from the PC and take a break. Your thread has exposed some things in me that I've been guilty of in the past within my M that I want to mull over.

Gnosis, I hope that whatever it might be will help you in some way. I really do appreciate your input.

Now onto some updates:

On Sunday, we went to the circus in separate cars. H had to go somewhere else first and met us there. He walked us to my car afterwards and lingered a bit. I just talked about the boys and once I got them into the car, said "OK, see you at home" and walked away. I think it is possible that my dark behavior over the last couple of weeks and then my peck on our anniversary (Saturday) had an impact because he came to bed on Sunday night too, the first time in 3+ weeks. Then on Monday morning, he commented that his dream had something to do with "if he kissed me and I had kissed someone else, he was sharing me OR that I was exposing him to other people.

If you've read all my posts, you'll know that I kissed another man about 12 and a half years ago one time while my H and I were dating.

I did not bite on his attempts to pull me into an R discussion. I just said that he needs to make whatever decisions are best for him. This is a 180 for me because I usually get upset and go back to defending myself, pointing out that I haven't been with anyone but him in 20 years. Yesterday, though, I was able to end the conversation without getting upset, without placing any blame, or trying to tell him how wrong he is about me. Guess what? Back to bed he came last night.

I have finally just turned my sitch over to God and think about my actions and what I have learned here instead of trying to talk him out of his madness. It won't work and I know that now. Only took me 7 years!

I lurk in several posts that I have never commented on because I have nothing to contribute compared to the professionals on here, but I want to thank everyone for all your wisdom.

This is far from being busted and far from reconciliation, but I am so much better than I've been in a long while. And I'll take it!!!!

bim

[praying_in_GA]

It is good to read you are in a good place right now (as far as your outlook). I hope for the best for you.

[brownidmom]

It is good to read you are in a good place right now (as far as your outlook). I hope for the best for you.

Thanks, PiGA.

Ya know what? When you are consumed with your M and your failures in the R, you lose sight of yourself. At least I did. Trying to work past the pain to accept what is and what will be caused me to realize that I better get back to liking myself. All I have been doing for the last 7 years is trying to convince my H that he should like me, want me, love me, believe me. A few days ago, I rededicated myself to God. To me, that means taking care of my health and well-being and listening. It has made a world of difference! I am a mother of 2 healthy, wonderful, beautiful boys. I have a nice, safe home and a secure job that will provide for us in the event that I have to take care of them on my own. Now, I am working on me. I have neglected myself for far too long. I've got a ways to go, but I am at peace.

I wish the same for all of you who still don't have it.

bim

[praying_in_GA]

Bim, that is so true. I hope I can settle into that outlook soon. I feel I am on the way there, but I will admit I still worry about what he thinks/feels/does a little too much.

I like your thoughts though!

[Gnosis]

Thank you for taking the time. I appreciate it.

You're welcome, don't forget it helped me too.

In the meantime, here's what I see about your H: Your H seems to suffer from paranoia

Hmmmm... never thought of him as paranoid ../snip/... I think of him more as suspicious of me and my intentions, what I'm hiding, what I really mean.

By paranoia I mean:
---> What is she really saying to me?
---> Isn't this just another lie?
---> I dreamt you slept with my brother... No? ... then it means that you slept with someone close to me.

b) His behavior exhibits traits of a Passive-Aggressive person.

I can see why he might seem this way from my description on the thread.

Yeah, sorry, can only work with what I read. I could be mistaken.

He is quiet more times than not when I am seething, just makes me more angry. He doesn't waste words and his actions are very calculated. He is an observer and he has everyone's number in interactions.

Sounds like a passive-aggressive. They don't express their anger with outbursts or violence. They keep it in and use sarcasm, twist words around and other things to vent their anger.

And, as you can see, he also knows that keeping quiet it will push your buttons. A possible 180 for you?

Believe it or not, I am generally a very happy person;

I believe you. When we're in the thick of things, we get so busy focused on the situation that we tend to forget about ourselves. I guess that's why we have to GAL. You've been going through this for 7 years, that's a long time and I commend you for sticking with it. Don't tell him I said so, but he's a lucky man. I hope he wakes up to that fact before its too late.

Re: Attorney

Yes, I did consult one who told me that she didn't think I was ready to move forward. This was about a year ago though, before I joined the DB boards.

Laws change. I recommend you consult another one to find out what your rights are. It CANNOT hurt you to know these. And please BIM, don't tell your H this time!

I mentioned it to my H and he turned it around on me later. "You're the one who called the attorney." Have I mentioned that he turns everything around on me?

I think you did. You've learned your lesson. "Anything you say or do can, AND WILL, be used against you."

No, neither of us has ever moved out. I have gone away a couple of times for 2 weeks at a time on business

Thanks for answering, and no, it doesn't count.

This post is getting long... I'll post some feedback on your updates below.

[Gardener]

bim,
Speaking of baggage, look up the lyrics of a song by my favorite Contemporary Blues Artists: Keb' Mo'.
The song title and album title is "Suitcase"
Interesting name: He was Kevin Moore. Everyone kept saying the were going to go see "Keb' Mo'" play. It stuck, he changed his name and took off Grammy-wise, etc. about 10 years ago. I never miss a chance to see him.
Suitcase. Good song about (accumulating) baggage

[Gnosis]

He walked us to my car afterwards and lingered a bit. I just talked about the boys and once I got them into the car, said "OK, see you at home" and walked away.

Good job.

I think it is possible that my dark behavior over the last couple of weeks and then my peck on our anniversary (Saturday) had an impact because he came to bed on Sunday night too, the first time in 3+ weeks.

Keep doing what works. Don't get your hopes up. He knows you've been slipping away from him so he needs to pull you back in.

As for the bed thing... "Uh uh sunshine. You don't belong here. You haven't done anything to deserve that kind of reward!" I know he refuses to listen and invites himself in whenever he feels like it. BIM, stick to your boundaries and enforce them. If you don't you're enabling him to walk over you again. Result: Back into your never ending (7 year long) cycle. As a last resort, go to bed before him and lock the door behind you.

Then on Monday morning, he commented that his dream had something to do with "if he kissed me and I had kissed someone else, he was sharing me OR that I was exposing him to other people.

See? Not even two days go past and he's back to his old torture tricks.

I did not bite on his attempts to pull me into an R discussion. I just said that he needs to make whatever decisions are best for him. This is a 180 for me because I usually get upset and go back to defending myself

Fantastic job! Keep it up!

Guess what? Back to bed he came last night.

Keep doing what works and change what doesn't.

It won't work and I know that now. Only took me 7 years!

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing great now.

This is far from being busted and far from reconciliation, but I am so much better than I've been in a long while. And I'll take it!!!!

Good for you. Just keep your guard up and proceed cautiously. For speedier results start enforcing your boundaries. He still has a LOT of resentment. Don't fall back into bad habits. i.e. Things get a little better for a while and then regress again.

Ya know what? When you are consumed with your M and your failures in the R, you lose sight of yourself. At least I did.

I don't think there is anyone out there who can claim differently. It's a learning curve. Your first step was to join this board.

Trying to work past the pain to accept what is and what will be caused me to realize that I better get back to liking myself.

Yes! The only person who can make you happy is yourself. No one (incl. your children) but yourself defines your happiness.

A few days ago, I rededicated myself to God.

Congratulations!

To me, that means taking care of my health and well-being and listening. It has made a world of difference! I am a mother of 2 healthy, wonderful, beautiful boys. I have a nice, safe home and a secure job that will provide for us in the event that I have to take care of them on my own. Now, I am working on me. I have neglected myself for far too long. I've got a ways to go, but I am at peace.

I'm happy for you BIM. Keep doing what is working. You're not at the right place for what I had in mind yesterday so I'll hold off on that. Please do go through with seeing another attorney and finding out your rights. It doesn't hurt to know them. Also keep us updated. I'll continue watching your thread.

[Gardener]

b) His behavior exhibits traits of a Passive-Aggressive person.

I can see why he might seem this way from my description on the thread. I will not say that isn't the case. He is quiet more times than not when I am seething, just makes me more angry. He doesn't waste words and his actions are very calculated. He is an observer and he has everyone's number in interactions.

Look it up like gnosis says, bim. It has nothing to do with just being quiet (passive) It is acting angry but expressing nothing: "Yep, I'm mad and I'm going to act mad (snippy, bang cabinets, etc.) and not admit I am mad nor reveal why. I'll make you so exasperated that you'll finally ask me and I'll evasively say "Mad? Me? What on earth are you talking about? What did I do to make you think that? Absolutely nothing. No idea what you're talking about. Must be you or your guilty conscience."

Alternately, it's like SpyBunny's H whacking her, splitting her lip, when he "was only trying to get/move the pillow. That's all. I didn't hit you. I didn't do anything. You can't prove anything, so there!"

I personally have some Passive-Aggressive in me but not to the extent of your H. I deal with it differently. I admit we're not the easiest people in the world to get along. Especially when we feel we've been wronged. Google it for more information, I think it will help you a little.

Bingo, Gnosis. When my ultra P.A. mother was living with us, we drove home once from Gardener Blended Family Annual Seashore Vacation. Mom & me in my Jeep. Mrs. G and others in her car. Upon arriving home, my mother whipped her luggage out of the trunk and stormed upstairs. Didn't talk to me for three weeks. Didn't bother me by then, I thought it was pathetically humorous ("Wonder what it'll wind up to be this time?"). Well, Finally came out that we had the audacity to driver her home in the one car without working air conditioner. This kind of P.A. acts out an "I was wronged. I can't address or express it. So I'll try to make your life hell." charade without talking. At least that's the kind of P.A. I'm quite familiar with. It's also why she know longer lives with us
Rambling again, I know.

[SpyBunny]

Hi BIM-
I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. I started reading your thread yesterday, I'm late in the game, and it looks like Gnosis and Gardener already have some good information for you. Keep up those boundaries! And I'll pop in to see how you're doing-
Take care-
Bunny

[PainfulDusk]

(((BIM)))

You sound great! keep it up hon! many happy thoughts for you =) Listening is a big step, for any of us. I always was told I was a good listener, but wonder if I was with my H or if I fell into the habit of just hearing him and it not registering. Something for me to think about.

You need to stop stop stop telling ur h anything about what ur up to. Esp the atty thing. <3


Agree with other posters, H sounds paranoid sweety.

hugs again,
Dusk