Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

BTW...she moved out 3 weeks ago, so she's not living with me anymore.

[TrentC]

When I told her that I was changing the locks on the house, she attacked me for taking away the only chance for her to see s7 except at night after she got off work...a supervised visit on my terms only. I'm not at all trying to keep s7 from having a relationship, I relented and allow her over in the mornings.

If she ends up moving out, you work out a plan for her to be able to see your kid until you have some sort of formal custody agreement.

At what point to I demand a decision be made between him or me?

As soon as you're fed up with her canoodling with another man, albeit virtually.

I don't feel that I can use the loss of visits in the morning as a consequence for her decision to keep OM in her life. I don't want to use s7 as a pawn in this game.

S7 won't be a pawn; if she chooses to leave, then you two work out a plan so she can see him.

What's the other option. Choose to get rid of OM or I'll file for divorce?

Do you see any other way or her giving him up? Because it doesn't look good so far.

[CountingCrows]

I have such limited time in the morning to discuss these types of things. Should I just call her tonight and ask if she's still in contact with him (don't want to give away that I know her new PIN and know she's still in contact)? If she says yes, tell her to ditch him or I'll file for divorce?

[TrentC]

BTW...she moved out 3 weeks ago, so she's not living with me anymore.

Then her options are give him up, or you file for divorce.

And go dark to her; you don't interact with her at all except in the interest of your son. She should have uninterrupted time with her son (with the condition that OM isn't around him) to allow you to have time to yourself.

As for letting her have a relationship with S7, she is the one leaving you. She is the one pulling your family apart. You don't owe her any favors.

[TrentC]

Should I just call her tonight and ask if she's still in contact with him (don't want to give away that I know her new PIN and know she's still in contact)?

Well, she doesn't seem to give a damn what you think, but I'd be surprised if she admits to it.

If she says yes, tell her to ditch him or I'll file for divorce?

If you have proof they are in contact, tell her that you know and set the boundary.

[CountingCrows]

Well, right or wrong, I just called W to ask about what was up, she still hadn't responded my boundary set on Saturday of cutting off contact with OM. Asked if she was still in contact. She said that she was still talking to OM, but not seeing him. Mentioned that I was never going to believe her when she tells me that anyway (guess that's where the transparency demands come into play). She said that I had more time to think things through than her and I mentioned that she already had 3 days to make up her mind. Said that she had taken her nighttime meds and was about 15 minutes from passing out. Wasn't going to give me an answer tonight, that we could talk tomorrow morning and hung up on me.

[bluerain]

I hope that you are good and prepared to receive an answer that may not make you happy. I think that you are backing her into a corner by keeping this pressure up, and she might tell you no just to defy you.

I wouldnt ask questions like this, dont give her a chance to lie to you!

Im not sure what the right thing to do is, but Im worried that this might not work out so well for you... One thing that I can say is that you know that she takes meds that make her groggy and sleepy, right? Why would you call at bedtime? If you want to have a serious, productive conversation like this, you need to do it at a time when she is likely to(or be able to) respond.

[CountingCrows]

She's a nightowl, and I didn't expect that she would have already taken her meds by this time. Figured she'd be up for at least another hour or so. Regardless, she's had 3 days to think things through, and has not cut off any contact with him. Even in her groggy state, she should have been able to give me her answer. I'll talk to her in the morning and face the wrath. I don't expect to get the answer I want to hear. I know that I've got her backed into a corner, and she'll come back fighting. I know that I've handled this wrong in every way, and once again let my emotions take control of me.

[TrentC]

she still hadn't responded my boundary set on Saturday of cutting off contact with OM.

We already established why that was; there was no consequence to her actions, so she felt free to ignore you.

Asked if she was still in contact. She said that she was still talking to OM, but not seeing him.

Translation: she's seeing him, or plans to in the near future.

Mentioned that I was never going to believe her when she tells me that anyway (guess that's where the transparency demands come into play).

Yeah, pretty much. But good luck getting her to accept that at this point; you haven't got a leg to stand on and she knows it.

Even in her groggy state, she should have been able to give me her answer.

We tell people on here all of the time to not let wayward spouses push them into giving an answer or making a decision before they are ready; why should it be any different for them?

All you did is set up a situation where you were pretty much guaranteed to get the answer you didn't want to hear.

I'll talk to her in the morning and face the wrath. I don't expect to get the answer I want to hear.

Then why in the world did you ask? Oh, right, because you let your emotions get the better of you. Hope that works out for you.

I know that I've got her backed into a corner, and she'll come back fighting.

Yep, pretty much.

I know that I've handled this wrong in every way, and once again let my emotions take control of me.

If you know you are handling it wrong, why do you do it that way?

[CountingCrows]

On Saturday, I told W "...I can tell you with absolute certainty that I cannot remain married to someone that would put another man ahead of their husband, regardless of the relationship." This was the closest thing I came to giving her a consequence of her decision. But I didn't set conditions of transparency or give her a time period to respond like I should have.

Can't tell you why I did it this way. Impatience, anger at her still continuing a R with OM even after I told her this, stupidity and ignorance on my part. No excuse. Guess I'll just buckle down and hang on for the ride.