Well, not too much new except that slowly H is telling the truth and acknowledging his dysfunction and fessing up. I've been naughty and given in to a few dates and intimacy. Problem (one of many) is he's got this faraway GF on his mind. He acknowledges that it is fantasy and he seems to be testing to see if the feelings are there with me.
Aside from the individual issues we each are battling (which I have a much clearer picture of), I think we both really struggle to envision and/or believe in a healthy and gratifying version of "us."
H requested that before he leaves for another extended trip (this time getting paid handsomely) he comes in to my therapist with me. I have no idea and did not ask what his agenda is. That meeting will be first thing tomorrow morning. I am nervous because no therapist worth more than a nickel would allow us to continue on like this; meaning, this has to come to a head. We have two very confused kids and we have to grow the f*ck up. I see his initiating the therapy as a positive step in the direction of that growth. That does not mean we will be together.
I am more and more okay with it going either way. Strange how when I feel the possibility of reconciliation looming, I am haunted by what I've been through and I am really attracted to other men and appreciative of my solitude and privacy and potential for growth without him. This is a bizarre and unpredictable existence. In my youth I swore I would never settle for a mundane, white picket fence life; as an adult that was all I wanted and now...it's a toss up.
