Hello, I am a Newcomer and would appreciate any advice to save my marriage. I have been married for 18 yrs and have a child that is 16. In May my husband said he didn't love me any more but that he wasn't moving out. A few weeks ago he admitted that he may have never loved me at all. He wants to stay but he is not willing to give it a try with 100% effort. Also at the same time he was no longer going to give me any physical contact. Hugging,kissing etc.. This has all completely devastated me I saw no signs that he felt this way. When I was 39 we tried to have another child and bought a new house together. I underwent fertility treatments and had two miscarriages trying. I would appreciate any advice. I am purchasing the book Divorce Remedy today.
I'm sorry for your pain. It's difficult for me to advise you without more detail, but I would immediately ask you this:
What do YOU want? What are YOU willing to live with -- and not live with -- in your marriage?
I don't understand why your husband says he doesn't love you anymore, ISN'T willing to do a damned thing to try to work at (and hopefully save) the marriage, but he's also not going to move out . . . all the while giving you no affection?
Are you okay with that?
Let me ask you also: you've been married for 18 years, and your H is giving you the classic "I may have never been in love with you." WERE there any significant signs from him that the marriage was in serious trouble all these years? DID he come to you and communicate that he may have been losing feelings for you previously? Or has this all come out of the blue?
Cuz it smells like OW to me, and the ol' "re-writing of marital history" b.s. that usually comes with it.
My advice would be to get -- and read -- the book before you do ANYTHING. What have you done from May until a few weeks ago when he talked to you?
Sorry you find yourself here lost. You will find great support and good advice here. You're not alone. Puppy is right, read DR. Figure out what you want and give more detail on ur sitch.
Thank you for your support. For the past 18 years my husband and I were just building a life together. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our marriage i.e. job losses and having to relocate because of that, our daughter being diagnosed with a chronic disease at 16 months,miscarriages and just things that a married couple goes through together. I just feel like I am in a living nightmare. I would love for my husband just to say to me " I love You" " I want our marriage to last a lifetime, and I am sorry about what I put you through, and I am dedicated to our marriage and family. When he told me he didn't love me anymore in May he asked me to let him think about things and give him until after he took a Recertification test for his job in October. So I gave him the space he needed.It is funny you mentioned a OW. He has become good friends with one of his employees at work. He says there is nothing going on except just a friendship. However she know that we our having maritial issues because he has confided in her. He never gave me any indication there was ever a problem in the marriage; he has become a total jerk since he told me.This OW will text him after hours and they sometimes go out to lunch togeter.
It is funny you mentioned a OW. He has become good friends with one of his employees at work. He says there is nothing going on except just a friendship. However she know that we our having maritial issues because he has confided in her. He never gave me any indication there was ever a problem in the marriage; he has become a total jerk since he told me.This OW will text him after hours and they sometimes go out to lunch togeter.
Well, there you go. She may not be your sole marital PROBLEM, but make no mistake -- she IS your immediate OBSTACLE.
I'm still not hearing what YOU want, at least not a realistic view of what you want, considering the bomb your husband has dropped on you. I hear a lot of fantasy and wishful thinking, but I don't hear a plan of what YOU want in there.
It's not easy, I know. But you need to try to wrest control of YOUR life from your H here, and begin to assert your own wants, hopes, dreams and desires, and laying out some boundaries of personal integrity. You sound very co-dependent to me. I know, cuz I was too.
Hi, sorry for your pain and glad you found this place.
As usual, puppy hit the right starting notes. You need to think about what you want, what kind of M you would live with, and have some clarity before even thinking of how to communicate with your H.
With respect, you sound very much in the deepest pain cycle of being an LBS, and I think you have some work to do in that area first.
And for what it's worth, what you described is the classic EA OW. It gives dealing with what is happening a different dynamic.
Be strong in the meantime and I'm sure you're going to get some great advice and support from here.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I am just starting out in my path also. Puppy is great with the advice as are many other people around here.
I am re-reading DR because it just hasn't sunk in yet. I got the same speech you did...not in love, haven't felt it for a while, maybe I never was. I found out he does have feelings for someone else and I truly believe if she were gone he would try to turn his attention back to our marriage.
I agree with the others. Decide what you want to do first. If you want to fight for it, read read read read.
Off to follow my own advice.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
