Been lurking, now need advice

[nvr2me]

I’ve been lurking since Aug & read the DR book. So, sorry, this is long to catch up.

I thought it would never happen to me; I was bullet proof. Married 32 years with a 35 year loving relationship. Marriage was always strong with no complaints, but complicated with a mentally ill son that demanded a lot of our time, energy, and expenses. We were viewed by all in our crowd as the couple to envy in our marriage and commitment. Now all kids are out of the house and I/we could have a life.

This summer I felt him distancing himself. I inquired repeatedly and he denied. My mother dies suddenly and I put all my concerns on a back burner. In August I found love letters on a ‘secret’ email address he accidentally didn’t sign out of. I confronted him and got the ILYBNILWY speech. He loved her and the emails had much of the ‘you are my true companion’ talk. She is an ex-coworker, 20 yrs younger. He claims when she left for a new job in April he knew he loved her and couldn’t live without her, so went to her and found out she felt the same. She is in the process of divorcing her husband, and has already moved into a new home which H has partially moved into with her.
Mistakes I made:
I asked him to leave the house because it hurt too much to see him coming and going knowing he was with her, although may have been good in waking him up
I tried R talks and tried to point out everything wrong with what he was doing.
Suggested MC and was denied and told it was over
I’ve pressured and cried.

Right things I have done since:
Distancing myself: result he asked if he could call more and not just email & has called more
GAL: gym and weight loss; Doing lots of things with girlfriends I never could do before (I was always the SAHM waiting for him to come through the door, homeschooled 2-3 kids depending on yr)
I don’t always answer the phone or emails right away and not always home when he comes to do work at the house.
Done some 180s as well that seemed to get his attention showing more independence
When we have had to be together to do things with my Mom’s estate or for my son I’ve tried to be cheerful and talk about other interests. ( but have failed sometimes and fallen into blame talks which he says make him uncomfortable, but he understands and deserves my anger. I do notice it pushes him away)


H has talked with our 2 daughters (22 &19) with very cold speeches about how I did nothing wrong it is just him, and he is in love with OW. They are currently not having contact with him. We have not yet told our mentally ill son.

I’m pretty sure he’s in MLC brought on by the stress of our son & work the past two years. He says he still has “deep feelings” for me but wants to live with her. He says he never thought he would do this and seems baffled that he has. He has always been very high integrity, honest to painfulness, and loyal to a fault. So this is all very strange behavior for him. Much of why his daughters have cut off contact. Friends and his family have been critical. He says if it wasn’t for her all would be well for us. “ I am a wonderful wife and he was comfortable in the marriage” So remind me why we are doing this?
.

Friday I found out our D22 was unable to get to class & at risk of loosing the semester (She is OCD & depression & having a very hard time with all this), so I decided to go up (6hr drive)and encourage. I contacted H to make sure he covered with mentally ill S20, who is now in an apt by himself. H came by b/c my car needed a new battery and the outcome was I messed up my DBing probably because I was ticked at him messing up the D. However he made some comments which were very encouraging.
1. Every time I feel like I’m understanding what’s on my mind you push me away
Obviously I know what to do here
2. When I spend time with you, I want to be with you
3. Then made a comment insinuating maybe we should rethink putting the house on the market
4. Also stated he needed some time
This is the first time he has voiced anything about not going through with the divorce.
He has also initiated some affection, grabbed my hand and held his to my face when I was upset while we were closing out Mom’s house; kissed me on the lips before surgery last week, & even blew me a kiss when leaving one day. All in the last few weeks

So, I have tried to be around more when he is and more friendly towards him, but my questions for the “DB pros”:
1. He is showing small signs of interest in me again, how do I encourage that without creating a “cake and eat it too” which I have been afraid of? He has stated he really wants to be friends. I have been adamant that I will not be the “other wife”
2. He’s riddled with guilt and made some comments about he had disappointed everyone and should just disappear. Also said he’d made a mistake, but couldn’t go back, wished he could. He’d F*** up everything. How do I handle statements like that if they reoccur?
3. Any input on how to get him back home where we would have more than sporadic contact?

[Gardener]

nvr2me, Welcome, Sorry,

I’ve been lurking since Aug & read the DR book. So, sorry, this is long to catch up.

I thought it would never happen to me; I was bullet proof. Married 32 years with a 35 year loving relationship. Marriage was always strong with no complaints, but complicated with a mentally ill son that demanded a lot of our time, energy, and expenses. We were viewed by all in our crowd as the couple to envy in our marriage and commitment. Now all kids are out of the house and I/we could have a life.

This summer I felt him distancing himself. I inquired repeatedly and he denied. My mother dies suddenly and I put all my concerns on a back burner. In August I found love letters on a ‘secret’ email address he accidentally didn’t sign out of. I confronted him and got the ILYBNILWY speech. He loved her and the emails had much of the ‘you are my true companion’ talk. She is an ex-coworker, 20 yrs younger. He claims when she left for a new job in April he knew he loved her and couldn’t live without her, so went to her and found out she felt the same. She is in the process of divorcing her husband, and has already moved into a new home which H has partially moved into with her.
Mistakes I made:
I asked him to leave the house because it hurt too much to see him coming and going knowing he was with her, although may have been good in waking him up I think this was the right thing to do: "I will NOT share my husband with another woman!" Boundary.
I tried R talks and tried to point out everything wrong with what he was doing.
Suggested MC and was denied and told it was over
I’ve pressured and cried.

Right things I have done since:
Distancing myself: result he asked if he could call more and not just email & has called more
GAL: gym and weight loss; Doing lots of things with girlfriends I never could do before (I was always the SAHM waiting for him to come through the door, homeschooled 2-3 kids depending on yr)
I don’t always answer the phone or emails right away and not always home when he comes to do work at the house.
Done some 180s as well that seemed to get his attention showing more independence
When we have had to be together to do things with my Mom’s estate or for my son I’ve tried to be cheerful and talk about other interests. ( but have failed sometimes and fallen into blame talks which he says make him uncomfortable, but he understands and deserves my anger. I do notice it pushes him away)You're off t o a good start, there, girl!


H has talked with our 2 daughters (22 &19) with very cold speeches about how I did nothing wrong it is just him, and he is in love with OW. They are currently not having contact with him. We have not yet told our mentally ill son.

I’m pretty sure he’s in MLC brought on by the stress of our son & work the past two years. He says he still has “deep feelings” for me but wants to live with her. He says he never thought he would do this and seems baffled that he has. He has always been very high integrity, honest to painfulness, and loyal to a fault. So this is all very strange behavior for him. Much of why his daughters have cut off contact. Friends and his family have been critical. [color:#CC0000]Um, yeah. If it wasn't for her and him! He says if it wasn’t for her all would be well for us.Blameless chap, isn't he?[/color] “ I am a wonderful wife and he was comfortable in the marriage” So remind me why we are doing this?
.

Friday I found out our D22 was unable to get to class & at risk of loosing the semester (She is OCD & depression & having a very hard time with all this), so I decided to go up (6hr drive)and encourage. I contacted H to make sure he covered with mentally ill S20, who is now in an apt by himself. H came by b/c my car needed a new battery and the outcome was I messed up my DBing probably because I was ticked at him messing up the D. However he made some comments which were very encouraging.
1. Every time I feel like I’m understanding what’s on my mind you push me away. All your fault
Obviously I know what to do here
2. When I spend time with you, I want to be with you
3. Then made a comment insinuating maybe we should rethink putting the house on the market
4. Also stated he needed some timeSo do I, but I won't wait forever.
This is the first time he has voiced anything about not going through with the divorce.
He has also initiated some affection, grabbed my hand and held his to my face when I was upset while we were closing out Mom’s house; kissed me on the lips before surgery last week, & even blew me a kiss when leaving one day. All in the last few weeks

So, I have tried to be around more when he is and more friendly towards him, but my questions for the “DB pros”:
1. He is showing small signs of interest in me again, how do I encourage that without creating a “cake and eat it too”Keep GALing,180ing, go dark, don't give him any "cake" which I have been afraid of? He has stated he really wants to be friends. I have been adamant that I will not be the “other wife”Good!
2. He’s riddled with guilt and made some comments about he had disappointed everyone and should just disappear. Also said he’d made a mistake, but couldn’t go back, wished he could. He’d F*** up everything. Sounds like he's just trapped by fate and powerless over his own actions, poor boy. How do I handle statements like that if they reoccur? Shake your head, say, "unbelievable" (or "pathetic'), turn and walk away.
3. Any input on how to get him back home where we would have more than sporadic contact? Sporadic contact is good while you work on you for you.

Keep re-reading DR, especially Last Resort Techniques. Read "Quotes found on Divorce Busting (II) near the top of this forum list. Read a lot o posts, zero in on similar sitches. Joutnal here, vent here, try out ideas, statements, emails here before executing them and you'll get great input.

Sorry to sound harsh a bit above, but my sitch does not involve OM, I get kinda incensed over sitches that do. And it's late and I'm tired.
Stay here. We'll help (and wiser heads than mine will be along, soon).

[Norm914]

Hi nvr2me. I'm new here, too. So sorry you're here. Sounds like you're working on it already. Good for you! These folks will help you and be here for you.

[nvr2me]

No this helped. I think I was feeling like rushing things and I need to keep being distant. Dark didn't work as well as distant/aloof/busy. He likes to be needed. Keeps asking what he can do for me. Wants to still be a hero even though he has devastated my life. Go figure!

[PainfulDusk]

Hi hon, welcome to the forums. Lots of fantastic support here. DO what works , stop what doesnt. Dont expect changes overnight and do NOT try to figure out what he;s doing, thinking or feeling. You'll just make urself crazy and he prob doesnt know either. Waste of time.

Stick to your boundaries. Wow ur doing so much better than I was at this stage!

There is an OW (or 2 ) in my sitch as well. I dont acknowledge her. Period. The one time i did, early on ,it did exactly what ppl said it would and drove my H closer to her and made her fight for him. The nerve right? Ignore her.

Stay positive, take care of yourself and ur family. Remember you cant control him, only yourself.

Dusk

[nvr2me]

Ok, I am refocused on distance. He came by this morning to pick up some stuff. I told him I had to leave by 7:45. I left at 7:44 and saw him along the neighborhood st. He stopped, so I reversed and quickly got his info and took off. He set up to talk about finances on Mon.

I am having trouble knowing how to handle the friendly part. We were always best friends...well obviously not this year... so I'm having a hard time knowing how to relate to him without giving off the wrong messages; too friendly; too aloof. It was easier when we didn't talk. Then I knew..just don't answer the phone, when I did it was short and only info based.

Been doing some reading here. If anyone can point to similar situations I'd appreciate it.

[PainfulDusk]

My H was my best friend too, one of the reasons I married him. We are NOT friends right now! I am however "friendly" and at the very least polite. Just treat him as you would a neighbor or a co-worker. I know it can be hard, confusing and frustrating sometimes. Stay friendly by all means , unless he is being a jerk. Then walk away.

Stop worrying about how he is feeling. SO what if he gets mad. Werent you? SO he doesnt have to make you feel better but you have to not bruise his ego? Sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to focus on yourself, not him. I dont know about you but Im not about to coddle my H or worry about how he feels while he is with an OW. I did at first too hon, and you know what happened? I didnt hear from him for a month. Pushed him away.

Be strong! Get your self confidence back! Reclaim your self respect!

Vent here, cry here, journal here. Take care of yourself, he'll notice. You dont have to show him.

(())
Dusk

[nvr2me]

I've realized reading over your post that I keep trying to relate to the "old H". The guy I used to know. I don't want to push him further towards the OW & logically to me, being "nice" should attract him to me? I got the best reaction fro him when I asked what he expected of me.(He had asked that from me earlier) He said to be angry with him and move on. So I calmly said I am and will continue to, and some day you will be a part of my past, not my present or future. That is when I started to see the changes and cracks in the surface.

I have actually come a long way from where I was initially. I couldn't move the first couple of weeks. Now I've lost 25 lbs and go to the gym at least 4x a week. Reduced 3 pant sizes and guess who noticed? He says; "you look really good, I mean your body, the gym work is really showing' So in a good DB manner I just said "Thanks, I feel really good."

Also as a relatively shy person, never would do anything on my own. I've begun to go to the gym whether or not friends will be there. I've joined a new neighbors club(huge club) that has tons of activities and forced myself to do something several times a week, even though I don't really know anyone yet. I have a new philosophy of don't turn down any opportunity to get out of the house, even if I don't think I'll enjoy it. Many times I do in some way. This is a definite 180. Best of all it feels good to GAL. The isolation is peeling away.

[dburt]

I for one do not see anything wrong with kicking his ass to the curb. His actions needed consequence and he is feeling it. If you had left him in the house, sure it would have been easier for you to show him the changes you are making, but he also would have been miserable around you and making you feel guilty about him being so miserable. Now, everyone knows and he has lost his daughters respect and everyone elses.

Keep doing what you are doing, get to that place that you can let him go, then you can decide if you want him back, it will not be his choice the next time.

Remember, a puppy is more likely to follow you when you turn and walk away then when you chase it.

Burt

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Remember, a puppy is more likely to follow you when you turn and walk away then when you chase it.

It's true! We are!!

Puppy