----- Oh, you know, I say BS. MAYBE he is doing it out of guilt. Or MORE LIKELY he is just trying to be a nice guy. Without signs of his homelife falling a part and frequent reaching out to you for no reason at all, I'd say he is doing it to be nice.
YOU are the one making it about the past. The LBSs seem to want everything to be about the past and guilt. But truthfully,probably, it is not about the past, it is not even so much about YOU. The primary caretaker of his children and children are all sick. Bringing by dinner simply makes sense to a decent person.
I really wish you could resist the urge to make this all about YOU and indulging your victim rant. I'd bet a whole lot that XH was starting to feel that there was a decent amount of space building. You just closed that space by making his choices about you. Look, it would have been INAPROPRIATE for XH to take care of you with respect to the appendicitis. XH could NOT rescue you from your depression, he was the cause of it. Acting like your H would have been the WRONG thing for him to do. When those things happened, he was VERY clear that he was emotionally D and committed to legal D. You are not entitled to have someone play the role of rescuer/nurturer in your life who does not want to play that role. Let go of the tired victim narrative.
I know you are sick. But basically he did something decent, and you went back to rehearsing all your old crap for him. This is not the way to move forward. Your reaction also shows your co-dependence -- why are you so motivated to clean the house for HIM?
I'm D and my H is D. My XH is OK. His XW is a bit better now, but for a LONG time she made EVERYTHING about her and the past. As a result, he pretty much cut off all contact with her and they parent their adult children VERY separately. It really is not possible for him to have a decent post-D R with her because she very egocentrically continued to personalize everything and demonize him for far too long. You don't have claims on him. His life and choices are not about you. Does he think about you and care about you? Certainly. But this does not make his choices about you or your PAST R or guilt.
If you can't make room to move forward acting decently to each other right now, that is fine. But, then it is time to go back to near full darkness. Acting out at him is not going to get you anywhere that you want to go, and the animosity it creates is not good for you or the kids.
Finally, notice how you let him bait you. Were you fighting BEFORE he said: look I don't want this to be WWIII. Or, did you let those words rope you into a fight? There is no need to fight if you don't want him to bring dinner to your house.
Donna: "Thanks for the offer, but that doesn't work for me." XH: "I don't want this to be WWIII" Donna: "Lol, me neither. No need to fight. Thanks again, but I'll work out dinner on this end myself. Bye!"
