Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, I definitely need to quit checking call records as often. I guess I was just wanting to see if there was any change in her contact with him after my message to her this past weekend. Also, even though she doesn't realize that I have access to this phone log, I fear that she could change the PIN or number at any time, and I wouldn't be able to capture the logs. I know that I just need to let that go. Will try to set up a schedule for when I view/log these records, probably each weekend.

CC, I TOTALLY understand. I've been you. The problems, as I see it, with checking them daily are:

1) Daily damage to your strength and self-esteem, and it will make you WIFE-focused, instead of CROWS-focused, which is what you need to be right now;

2) Like stepping on a scale DAILY, it can lead you to make poor tactical decisions. You will misread cause-and-effect.

Make sense?

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

CC, I TOTALLY understand. I've been you. The problems, as I see it, with checking them daily are:

1) Daily damage to your strength and self-esteem, and it will make you WIFE-focused, instead of CROWS-focused, which is what you need to be right now;

2) Like stepping on a scale DAILY, it can lead you to make poor tactical decisions. You will misread cause-and-effect.

Make sense?

Puppy

Yep. Makes total sense to me. Thanks for the advice.

[tristan]

Stepping up my efforts at work. Yesterday went by very fast, as I had a lot going on, and was able to focus a little better on my tasks at hand. Hope to keep up this trend, as I'm only a contractor (been with them almost 4 months), and really want to be hired on as a full time employee.

CC.

This is very good. Focusing at work was very difficult for me.

Good for you. You are doing well.
- T

[CountingCrows]

Last week was really BAD at work. I'm lucky to spend most of my days in a private config room with little traffic. I can't say that I didn't have several major breakdowns in there, particularly on Friday before I cut off W's bank account access. Luckily, although several people noticed that something was wrong, I didn't have to run directly into co-workers with tears streaming down my face. This week, I feel a bit more together. Managed to corner brand new (started last Monday) upper-level boss when washing hands after lunch and got a meeting request to discuss what I do and my place in the organization. Hopefully will open a door for me.

Although W is still coming over in the mornings to see s7 off to the bus after I leave for work, things have turned really chilly. She doesn't hug/kiss me before I leave and has stopped saying ILY. I'm sure she's still trying to wrap her head around the reality of her situation.

[CountingCrows]

Oh yeah...small thing, but I started parking on the left side of our driveway last night. It's the side closest to our front door. W has parked there since we bought our house 5 years ago. For the past 3 weeks, I have continued to park on the right, leaving a literal and symbolic space for her whenever she came over. Only slightly more subtle than tying a yellow ribbon to the tree next to our driveway, but I just hadn't felt comfortable parking in "her space". Still not sure how I feel about it, but I parked there again tonight. Guess I felt it was time to show that I'm the head of this house. I'm sure W noticed it morning, although it wasn't mentioned.

[CountingCrows]

I'm really losing it tonight, so I'm coming here to vent. For the past two nights, my W's communications with OM have stopped right about the time she gets off work (7:30pm), and didn't resume until around Midnight last night. I know that her female roommate has been sleeping over at her boyfriend's house lately, and W isn't communicating with me at all except when she comes over in the mornings to see s7 off to school.

W hasn't said anything at all about OM since I told her Saturday that she had to drop all contact with him. I'm fighting myself so hard to not call right now, but I know that even if she's with him, I'd never know it or be able to prove it. She's living right down the street 1 mile from me, but my s7 is in bed sleeping, and I can't go over there. Even if I did, I couldn't do anything but confirm that he was over there with her...and what could I do. Nothing without giving her ammunition to use against me, and hurt my chances of having full custody of my son.

Also, I'm 98% sure that I'm missing some of my prescription meds (lortabs and somas) that I was prescribed for a back injury earlier this year. Knowing that she is strapped for cash, and knowing that she has friends that would pay street value for them (in particular, OM, who has recently injured his foot/ankle), I'm afraid that she took them. She still has access to the house when I'm not here in the mornings after I go to work, but I know that I can't accuse her of taking them without her completely denying it and trying to flip it on me, making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I hadn't checked my med stash in about 2 weeks, so it could have been anytime since then that they "disappeared".

AARRGGHH....I hate that I can't trust her anymore. I hate that I can't talk to her anymore. I hate that she's still texting and possibly seeing OM. I don't feel like it matters one bit to her if I don't contact her. Absence isn't making her miss me...she's got HIM to fill that gap. She's cake-eating and I can't get her off the fence. I want to tell me her decision, NOW! How long do I wait after telling her to ditch the OM before I can expect an answer. Do I ask her in the morning? Do I just ignore the whole situation and hope that their A blows up eventually?

Anyway. I've taken some sleeping meds, so hopefully I can settle down and actually get some rest for work tomorrow, but at least typing all this has kept me from doing something really stupid like going over there while my son's asleep, or calling her and ending up in a fight by accusing her of stealing from me.

I have my appt. with atty tomorrow for initial consultation. I'm sure they've dealt with lots of this stuff before, and hopefully can give me some advice. I REALLY don't want things to get ugly between W and I, and I don't want to ruin any hope of reconciliation, but it just can't happen as long as she's replaced my "friendship" with OM.

I apologize for my rant, but it's got to be safer than doing the crazy stuff that I feel like doing right now.

[TrentC]

W hasn't said anything at all about OM since I told her Saturday that she had to drop all contact with him. I'm fighting myself so hard to not call right now, but I know that even if she's with him, I'd never know it or be able to prove it.

How did you tell her to break it off with OM? Was it an attempt to set a boundary? If so, did you insist on total transparency?

If you set a boundary and insisted on transparency, then you should be able to call or check as you see fit. And if she broke her word, then she faces whatever consequences you established.

If you didn't set a clear boundary -- if you told her to stay away from him just for the sake of it or out of jealousy -- you're more likely to drive her towards him because you were operating from a state of weakness. That's why she is still texting him; she doesn't care how you feel about it right now.

[CountingCrows]

No, I didn't insist on transparency. In fact, she changed her PIN for the "secret phone" that she has used all summer to keep in contact with him. I happened to catch the PIN change before she change pw on email account. I told her that I would be unable to be married to someone who chose a "friend" over her husband, but I didn't know how to follow up with what the consequences would be if she didn't accept my boundary. She never responded to that boundary, and still hasn't said anything about it. Obviously I needed to be clearer and insisted total transparency. How do I go back and add that part?

[TrentC]

I told her that I would be unable to be married to someone who chose a "friend" over her husband, but I didn't know how to follow up with what the consequences would be if she didn't accept my boundary.

Which leads to...

She never responded to that boundary, and still hasn't said anything about it.

Why should she respect your boundary? There were no consequences.

Obviously I needed to be clearer and insisted total transparency. How do I go back and add that part?

"I feel that your continued contact with OM is disrespectful of me, and of our marriage. If you are going to be with me and live in our home, you need to cut off all contact with him; I insist on total transparency so that I can confirm that you have done so.

If you do not break off contact with him, then you will pack your things and move out, and I will start filing for divorce."

Give her five minutes to consider her options, then help her start packing.

[CountingCrows]

When I told her that I was changing the locks on the house, she attacked me for taking away the only chance for her to see s7 except at night after she got off work...a supervised visit on my terms only. I'm not at all trying to keep s7 from having a relationship, I relented and allow her over in the mornings. But I have to go to work before s7 gets on the bus, which is why she was coming over in the a.m. I can change my schedule to allow me to leave after he gets on the bus, though.

At what point to I demand a decision be made between him or me? I don't feel that I can use the loss of visits in the morning as a consequence for her decision to keep OM in her life. I don't want to use s7 as a pawn in this game.

What's the other option. Choose to get rid of OM or I'll file for divorce?