Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I am learning alot and may not be qualified to answer since me and my wife are still in this. But her affair did end recently, she is starting to see life again. I have been her freind and have done lots of stuff for me.

Does it look like you may be able to reconcile things?

My advice... if you want no contact. Just do not contact her. Do not answer the phone, do not reply to her emails etc. It does make you stronger and helps with the pain. You do not need to send a note, you just do it.
[/quote]
Is this what you did?

Is that not being more of a jerk though? Just ignoring her? Would a letter, or at least some sort of indication as to what you are doing it better than just ignoring her?

When you have your strength back you can make a new choice as to how you want to proceed. This gives you options

This is what I want - time and space to heal and then decide what I want to do when I'm ready to be able to make the decision.

Next I do not think I would go public. I am glad I did not. I talked to people when it was appropiate and mostly have just given her space and time.

My W said, at the start, that she needed space and time and I didn't give her that (I pursued). However I now realise that she didn't want space and time at all as she had already planned to be with OM.

However I want the space and time now for myself. Since the split she really hasn't had much time and space for herself so maybe it will do her good too.

She in confused and anything you do to cheat her from her experaince of figuring out life will come back to bite you.
This is my first post so take it with a grain of salt

I appreciate your message! I'm not sure if she is confused. She doesn't talk like it but she sure does act abnormally. But then I ignore everything she says anyway and only look at her actions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If anybody else can suggest something that will fulfil all of this then I will be really happy to hear it.

P17,

The extraordinary lengths you seem to be going to be somehow talked out of this, lends me to believe that you're not ready to do it -- you don't believe in our plan of action.

You're almost like "I'm serious, everybody! Unless somebody talks me out of it, I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE! I MEAN IT NOW . . . "

No?

Puppy

[P17]

The extraordinary lengths you seem to be going to be somehow talked out of this, lends me to believe that you're not ready to do it -- you don't believe in our plan of action.

I don't want to be talked out of it. I actually want to be reassured that I am doing the right things or the only thing that is available to me. I would just like to feel comfortable knowing that there really is nothing else to try given my sitch.

Do I believe in it. I will believe in it if it's the only thing available. I believe I can do it. It is going to be tough but again I just hark back to that time when there was no contact for 10 days and I actually started to feel good again and was starting to detach. I want to get back to feeling like that again so as it was NC back then I feel that doing NC again will get me back to it.

You're almost like "I'm serious, everybody! Unless somebody talks me out of it, I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE! I MEAN IT NOW . . . "

No?

No. That's not it. I'm sorry if that's the way it came across.

I love my W. I've lost her to OM. I don't know what to do to get her back. I'm lost, completely lost. I'm scared to do this, in case it seems weak and needy. I'm scared to do that in case it puts pressure on her. And I'm scared to do the other in case it's seen as vindictive.

I look at the options open to me by reading DR and DB books and none of them really apply to my sitch other than LRT. W has moved on emotionally is my guess. Some of the things she is doing suggest otherwise but I'm probably reading too much into them. I don't see her ever coming back but I have a hope in my heart that she will one day.

In the meantime I just cannot detach completely. I have tried and tried and tried. I can't do it.

It annoys me that W comes around and continues to play happy families with my D like nothing has happened. She continues to try and be her mum and I think to myself if you loved her that much you would have at least tried to work on the M and not set me up to end the M and enable you to have the A guilt free (yeah, I know they all do something the same but it hurts nonetheless).

It also annoys me that she has OM, new house, etc. (as I said before) and also H and step-D. What a fantastic setup she has. Two men who love her who she can play off against each other if she wants - what a huge ego boost. She has a step-D and can continue to tell everybody that she is just having contact for her and that it's so tough for her seeing me all the time - me who has done her so much harm. She can also satisfy her own guilt that she is still a good mother.

And while all this is happening my heart is being torn apart. My emotions are running riot and I just can't do it anymore.

So what I want to do is something that will enable me to detach, deal with me and D's pain and hurt, give us space, time to heal, understand and grieve for the M. At the same time I want my D (and my W - although as you said you can teach an adulterer) to realise that your actions have consequences and you must be man enough to live with them. I also want W to stop cake eating.

LRT is the only way I can see those goals being met. LRT is an extreme measure but it's the only one I can see. But I am emotional and new to all of this. You guys are the experts which is why I ask you if there is something else that you know, or have tried, or have heard of that will allow me to meet those goals without going to the extreme measure.

If you want to know why your PC is slow, not working or how the driver for your scanner keeps crashing, give me a call. If I want to know about DR or DB I ask you guys as you are the experts.

That is the only reason I ask. I ask for advice that's all. If I need hit by a 2x4 I don't complain as I know you guys do it for no other reason than to help.

This is also the reason it looks like I keep chopping and changing my mind. I decide to do something, put it out there and you guys give me food for though and then I think ... hmm, maybe I should try that instead. It's simply because you guys know more about what works than I do. I listen to my Dad as he knows more than me ... I also listen to people in my own field who know more than me ... and I listen to you guys as you know more than me!

[LiveToLearn]

I am not sure if we be able to make things work. She is showing interest but I know if I rush things we will be right back at ground zero. She will figure it out or she won’t.

I am a great guy and a great dad. I have lots to learn but I believe that there is a lot more to this. Getting her to come home is only a small victory. I want the whole enchilada!

I did do no contact with her for about 2 weeks. It was for me and I did not care if she got mad or hurt. I never told her I was going dark, why should I? She left me, cheated on me, so I figured if I did not want to talk to her for a while it was my right

After about 10 days the phone at my work, home and cell phone were going crazy. I finally talked to her since she was worried about me. But nothing changed for her, I did not expect it to change anything. I just wanted time to be me and not worry about what to say or if I had said something wrong.

I think that your wife will be more forgiving if you just stop talking to her then if you give her your reasons and intentions in a note and make a big production out of it. In my case the note would have just looked like I was trying to manipulate the situation, since in the long run we have a daughter we are going to co parent.

She asked me out last night to dinner and has been a lot friendlier.

Trust me; she may not look confused today or tomorrow. But one day she will be confused. Until that day happens just do not do anything that will hurt your relationship as it stands. GAL, and wait, that is all you can do.

This is just the way my situation has gone. The thing I keep doing is just accepting her as she is. She is trying to find out who she is and what makes her happy. If you love her you will let her do that. If she loves you she will *probably* figure that out at some point.

[P17]

I did do no contact with her for about 2 weeks. It was for me and I did not care if she got mad or hurt. I never told her I was going dark, why should I? She left me, cheated on me, so I figured if I did not want to talk to her for a while it was my right

Did you do this after or before the A ended? I assume you just stop responding to texts, calls etc.? How often did she speak to you before you stopped contact and did she ever say that she was checking in to see if you were okay?

But nothing changed for her, I did not expect it to change anything.

What did you mean nothing changed for her? Did the no contact not actually affect her, the OM or the A?

I just wanted time to be me and not worry about what to say or if I had said something wrong.

This is just what I want. Some time and space to let the emotions come out and deal with them properly no matter how long it takes.

I think that your wife will be more forgiving if you just stop talking to her then if you give her your reasons and intentions in a note and make a big production out of it.

My W complained about manipulation towards the end (which she was right about but it was subconcsious and I admitted it and have dealt with it - it was through fear basically!).

See this has given me food for thought. Before I was going to send the letter about no contact. Now maybe it would be better to just stop contact without saying anything. That way it won't be a grand gesture or manipulative or seen to be 'seeking attention'. It would just be what I wanted to do. She did what she wanted to do.

I don't want people to think I'm chopping and changing again, I'm just thinking out loud.

Trust me; she may not look confused today or tomorrow. But one day she will be confused. Until that day happens just do not do anything that will hurt your relationship as it stands. GAL, and wait, that is all you can do.

Having no contact would also help that as I could properly detach and GAL.

If you love her you will let her do that. If she loves you she will *probably* figure that out at some point.

As many people have said though, if she does figure it out (and nobody who has spoken to me has said it would last) will I still be here to take her back!

[newmama]

P17,

NC is the best way to detach and stop chasing and lose interest (temporarily) while her affair peaks and then dies.

You know my sitch but I had NC with WH during April-June, and it totally helped me to detach. I would have kept it up for longer but our baby was born in July. The NC didn't bring him back, but at least I was in less pain. I would have been immersed in a NEW LIFE currently if I didn't give birth 4 months ago.

I am not able to be in NC currently so I am gambling on my caring, no pressure, apathetic strategy to show him a path back. I believe there is a 50% chance(haha) it could work ONLY because it has been over 7 months and I suspect the A is losing it's gloss. However I would have given this a 1% chance of working 6 months ago due to the newness of the A.

My point? Bravo for going NC sooner than later...it is the least painful way for you to GAL while her affair burns out. It WILL end. Whether or not you will still want her at that time is uncertain!

[P17]

My point? Bravo for going NC sooner than later...it is the least painful way for you to GAL while her affair burns out. It WILL end. Whether or not you will still want her at that time is uncertain!

Thanks newmama.

This is what I want to do. Get me to a better place where I can then deal with this situation - either the pain, moving on, the A, whatever - just to a place where I can make a decision without my emotions and fear wrestling it to the ground and changing it. I need space to be able to sort myself out basically.

At the moment things are getting on top of me a little as I have a number of other personal, business and financial issues that I'm trying to resolve. It is all a bit too much for me to handle just now. If I had NC then I would at least be able to remove the A / W problem from that list and concentrate on the others. Unfortunately the W problem is consuming most of my mental time.

Everybody who has spoken to me about them only has negative things to say (but then they wouldn't say positive things to me) about how unhappy he looks / is, her changing, how they are completely incompatible, drinking etc. All of them say it won't last. I just have a niggling feeling that my W is so desperately lonely that she will cling for all she is worth to this man. I think there may also be an element of proving everybody wrong too. So while it will most definitely end, I see that being a long haul. By that time I will at least know what I want to do about the M, her, the OM, D etc.

Again, if I had NC, I would be able to deal with me and then that.

[newmama]

No, they/ WE are right....she is trying out some kind of different life right now but it is unlikely she will enjoy it long term. Like I think my WH never partied in his 20s so now he is making up for it with the OW. He never got the girl in HS (although he could have--confidence issue) so he is "getting the girl" now.

But whatever reason your WW is after this guy (father figure you said?) it is more of an ESCAPE I BET than what she really wants. Sorry if I confused you. After reading and reading about affairs, this is my theory.

[P17]

But whatever reason your WW is after this guy (father figure you said?) it is more of an ESCAPE I BET than what she really wants.

A bit of excitement as married life became a bit too boring!

W was here tonight with my D. My D asked her at one point is she still loved her daddy and she said yes, but she wasn't in love with me (what an answer to give an 8 year old!).

I was making dinner and she came into the kitchen and just stood. It was getting awkward for me so I asked her how she was, how work was, how her mum and dad was, dog, cat etc. Everything was fine in fact she was deleriously happy. Probably the happiest I have ever seen her. I think maybe she was wanting to tell me something ... mind is running riot but pregnancy jumped into it (would make her deleriously happy!).

I also got some very bad news tonight about my mum. W didn't seem to interested, asked the right questions (would I be okay, what there anything she could do etc.) but didn't ask to come down and see her with me. She did ask if I would let her know if there are any changes and I said if she wanted me to. Again it was another night of nothing changing - looked like an old married couple (without the physical touching). She actually took something to eat from me tonight ... shock horror!

One good thing - she has made an appointment to see a solicitor so hopefully I can get the separation agreement sorted out.

My mum doesn't have long left to go (they think a few months). It hasn't sunk in at all as yet and all I can think about it how angry at my W I am for not even being interested in the woman she has known for 7 years or supporting the man she has loved for 7 years.

She left saying she would be back on Monday, told me to be careful going to my mum's (they are 300 miles away) and to let her know if there were any updates.

After her performance tonight, I don't think I can actually stomach Monday with her. I am very angry at her nonchalant attitude towards my mum being ill. I look at it from my point of view and I would want to be there to support 'somebody' (and especially somebody I had loved for 7 years) through a difficult time.

However I am very emotional tonight so I don't want to make any decisions. Still want to do NC though, and would prefer to start tomorrow but that would be making a decision on an emotional low.

[newmama]

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. You really are going through so much right now.

As for NC, you can set a date and go for it then. Remember how much better you felt after 10 days of NC before. Also remember what that one poster said--you don't even have to give her a letter at first! (although I think the letter is required for a proper dark Plan B, right?) But you could start with NC and then give her the letter at some point. You could also just leave her alone with your daughter on Monday like you did the other day (while you built a bookshelf, etc.)