Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have had so many people tell me to just get revenge through stbx's immigration status. But I also know that in the morning, I have to look at myself in the mirror and I knew I could never live with myself. But there was a time when I really considered it.
I am glad I didn't.
But as I was sitting here, I was trying to push the grief down and keep it in denial. But now, I am okay because I am feeling it, and still not crying. That might come later...
And I realize I am sad. No this isn't what I wanted. I wanted the happily ever after fairytale marriage that doesn't exist. And I would have taken the crazy, difficult marriage, as long as we both kept working at it, and kept loving each other. But, I am also satisfied in the knowledge that when push came to shove, I didn't bail. I stood. And now the time has come that I need to let go.
Thanks...I do feel a little better.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lola, when I was struggling to detach in ...2008, I went into coping mechanisms, surpressed most of my "bad" feelings. Eeverybody was impressed by my "strength". Only now those feelings surfaced triggered by fear of opening up to H again and I keep thinking, I should have allowed that earlier. My advice to you and Michelle: dont pretend to be happy, cool etc, no matter what others tell you ("why do you care after x amount of time" for example is something I have heard numerous times). Grieve and be sad. It's the end of your M and deserves to be "grieved". Only, remember to keep your head over the water to breathe. Soon, you will be "closing" this chapter. Not sooner than when you should. You are strong. K
Thanks BBJ. I suspect there will be tears shed tonight, but my niece informed me she is coming over later to keep me company. So I am going to let myself just be sad for a while. As cliche as it sounds, I am sad over the loss of the dream. I did not ever really expect this to happen. Part of me wants to tell stbx this, just in case he feels the same way and is too proud to tell me, but at the same time, I also realize that would do me no good and I would just come off as clingy.
Pretty soon there will be no more reason for us to talk, and I am sure in time we will fade into each others memories, and I will only think of him when I hear a song on the radio that reminded me of him. And, I will smile and remember a time when we loved each other, and be happy for that experience.
That is when I will be completely healed.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
As I am an over active thinker, it has been very hard for me to not read anything into any of this. Practice makes perfect I guess, so although I have thought of a few things, I have pushed them away and just taken it for what it was.
I sent stbx a text last night explaining that the D will most likely be finalized in March, as the TX laws require a 60 day waiting period and I will need to fly back for the final hearing. I need to purchase the plane ticked in February, and so hence I will be there in March.
Apparently this explanation confused him (he said he is a man, and they are simple so don't understand complicated explanations...something he used to say when we were joking around). So I explained again, and he understood, although I didn't say anything different. I asked him about the issues he was having at work, turns out he is not being accused of theft but bribery, which is a common accusation from people who lose. Some guy called CPS on his stbx wife, they were in the middle of a heated custody battle, both are wealthy. Blah blah blah. We chatted about how things were going here, but not much. I suggested he look more south for work as business seems to be booming that way.
So here is the thing, with him signing and filing the waiver, his obligation to this divorce is finished. He doesn't have to show up for the final hearing, doesn't have to sign any paperwork, I am not even obligated to send him anything. He asked me when the final hearing would be, and I told him that in El Paso, once or twice a month the district courts hold an open court morning on Fridays for uncontested divorce hearings, so I would look it up and just pick one of those days.
Now, I had no intention of seeing stbx while I was in El Paso. My plan: shack up in a motel for the night, go to the hearing, and head up to Arizona for a weekend with some friends. I still plan to do this, because I have no idea when I will see my friends again, and their son is my godson.
Now, all of a sudden, stbx wants to be at the hearing. WTF? Why? He said don't I need to be there? I said no, since I am the one who filed, I am the one who has to finalize. He says don't I need to sign the paperwork? I said no, it just requires my signature. I told him not to worry, I was not going to screw him out of anything, he should know me better, blah blah blah. Well, he said he wanted to be there. I said okay, that is fine, I will let you know when I am coming in.
Huh????? HUH????? What???? WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTT? (In the voice of the mother from A Christmas Story who has just been told that her son taught his friend the word f*ck...)
This means I have to see him. IS HE TRYING TO TORTURE ME? I mean, I suppose I could just go and not tell him, but unfortunately since I said I would, well, I am who I am. I will tell him. But still. I am thinking why?
As Michelle says **head desk**...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
