Spouse Suffering From Depression

[ClingingToHope]

I think I made some good points but it seemed like he was so stuck in his resentment that he wasn't even hearing me.

After we split up, I started a marriage rebuilders class -- hoping I could use what I learn with W but increasingly that hope fades.

The second class was on communication. And communication doesn't mean talking, it means listening. I've always been very well spoken. Since I was five I remember people telling me that.

So I've grown up loving to hear myself talk. With W, looking back, I was always sort of half listening, really just waiting for my opening to cut in and say something profound or to make a point.

You say you made some good points. Perhaps right now you shouldn't try to make points and just listen, listen, listen. Let him pour out his issues to you and then let him fix them on his own.

[Lucky11too]

That's why I'm questioning that "don't believe anything that they say and only half of what they do" statement too. They obviously have real feelings and thoughts too, so why wouldn't I believe him when he says "I resent you". Sounds real enough to me!

Yep, I feel like I only have my king left too, plus I'm in 'check' and only a few moves away from H annoucing 'checkmate'. (Or maybe I'm annoucing checkmate b/c I break & can't handle this anymore) One of the two and neither outcome is good. It's seems it's the hardest at the end of the game, b/c one wrong move & the game is over. Hmm, not sure what to do exactly. I did want I told myself I shouldn't do last night - I texted H. I said "Rough lunch today. I understand where you are coming from. Hopefully we can put that same argument behiind us now. Have a good night". I didn't want to stall the progress we were making by having a complete cease of communication, but I wasn't going to fight him anymore either. Not sure if that was the best idea, but now i've opened it up again, and the ball is in his court...I WILL NOT INITIATE ANY MORE CONTACT! (current strategy. At some point I hope this can be changed)

I just keep thinking about Friday and it hurts, but I can't control what I can't control. I'm going to try to sit back and let him continue to make baby steps and just try to support and encourage him along the way. I fear how much longer I can keep this up for, but I'm still here now and need to continue to be stong.

CTH - yes, definitely need to work on listening. I've recognized my fault now of needing to react and defend myself, but now I just need to follow thru when the situation arises to just listen and not fight back. He can't argue with himself, so I WILL NOT TAKE THE OTHER END OF THE ROPE. (these bold statements are the commitments I making to myself. I know I won't always be perfect, but I will try to hold to them).

Thanks guys. Have a good day!

[awest1217]

Don't worry about sending the text. Every sitch is different and sometimes we need to show that we are still around and not necessarily mad anymore so our spouse feels comfortable to have more contact. I am the same way and if H did not text me this morning I would have text him to let him know I am still "in". I just need to worry less about us.

Stay in there and thank you so much for the encouraging words. You really have helped!

[Lucky11too]

hehe, I think I'm in a fisty mood right now. I want to mess w/ H. Since he says I'm pushing his new 'friends' away, maybe I'll just befriend them then. You know, kind of tell him that he's right, and that if we are going to make this work, I need to learn to get along with his friends too, so that I should take a half day on Friday and take S to his 'friend's' party too. That should be enough to freak him out. haha. To be honest, what concerns me, from facebook stalking (I know, shouldn't stalk, but how else how you supposed to find out what's going on), the actual party is on saturday, so I'm not sure what's up with Friday. I don't know, I'm just not sure how to act with this whole thing. I don't want to be all happy around him b/c I definitely don't condone his actions, but I know to give him a hard time about it won't help any either...just don't like it...

Well still no word back from H. I guess he just needs to let the steam off for a few days. I think it's good for him to know that I'm still 'in' b/c of the nasty fight, but it would be nice to have some reassurances from him too. (That was a great thing that H texted u this morning!) But I really just need to stop worrying about it too and get refocused on me, S, and our lives. As you can tell, my work is suffering right now.

I just recalled another thing he said to me and it just kind of stung then and again now, that he sees me more as S's mom than as his W. Not the best place to be in. =/

[awest1217]

I have been there. I even sent OW a card when she got her new job this summer to be nice and befriend her thinking that would help...but it didn't so I am saying I wouldn't go there. The less you know about OW the better. I know way too much about OW and it kills me. Just advice.

Don't worry about what H says, like I said he was saying everything to get back at you for setting a boundary. Also to give you comfort, maybe h won't follow through on the party.

Have a good night!

[Lucky11too]

It worked! I just got a text from H saying "BTW, I don't have sex with my friends..." WHAT?! Then I got it, I forgot about my last line I sent in my text last night (...hopefully we can put that same argument behind us now & continue to be FRIENDS). So, I just kind of joked back "haha, ok good point. I guess I need reword my text. What should we be then?" He doesn't reply but then sends me this silly joke about a cow. Random. It seems obvious that we are more than friends, hello we're married, but he sure doesn't act that way most of the time, so it's good to hear it from him. It sems like the tension has eased off a bit which is good. We'll see what happens next.

Yeah, I know. I just need to stay far away from that OW and wait for her to disappear. I have so much hate for her anyways, I don't think I could even pretend to be nice. H was appalled yesterday that I would expect him to dump her so to speak for me after her and her roommate "were the only ones there for me this year". Well, yeah...

I sure hope he won't follow thru the party. We'll just have to see what happens...

[awest1217]

I am glad the ice was broke. Like I said on my post, sometimes you have to abandon the strategy to do what you feel is best in your heart. I am glad he is joking with you and not responding could be him saying that he knows you aren't just friends, but not really sure where you are so that is better than saying he only thinks of you as a friend.

The OW thing you have to stay far away from because with me I know where OW lives, works, hangs out, etc. I know what she looks like and many other things because we hung out before H left and the whole bomb. We even hung out and they flirted in my house in front of me. You can't imagine how much I hate her, and it is something that is very imprisoning that I am trying to get out of. The best advice is the less you know about OW until H is willing to come home and tell you everything himself the better for you.

Have a great night!

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I agree. I don't really think he (or I) know what to think of our current status. It's a weird limbo of not really being H and W, but not just friends, but luckily not just "nothing" either.

Yeah, I have to be careful to keep my distance regarding OW. When I let it, the anger and hatred overcome me and I want to break. I've only met her once (H invited his 'coworker' to OUR house to see OUR 2 week old S. I was an exhausted mess, but looking back, it was very flirty. That's what makes it the worse-when she has the nerve to come to MY house, to meet ME and S, and then still go behind MY back with MY H. Despicable on both their parts!), but I felt like I know her from all the "research" I've done. But I know that's true, I can control my anger for the most part, but when I start digging into it (facebook, etc), it just eats me alive, and I've become the one to suffer. It's just not going to work that way!

So excellent news. H texts me last night that he is not going to pick up S on Friday afterall. Halleluiah! Not sure exactly why he changed his mind, but I am so thankful for that! =) Like I said, I know the party was actually on Saturday, so I'm not sure what this friday thing was all about - if they were planning a little outing, if he was just testing my reation, or maybe just said it to get back to me. I don't know, but I guess it really doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's not happening!

After that, he starts flirty texting me again and trying to make plans for romantic envenings over Thanksgiving. I didn't commit to anything, especially b/c tomorrow he could hate me again, but I'm trying to keep an open mind if he wants to initiate and follow thru with it. Geesh, this man is all over the place though! Glad he is in a better place again, but these swings are ridiculus!

[awest1217]

It seems like this "down" time with H did not last as long as normal (baby step?). He came out of it a lot quicker and did not stay mad at you long at all. I am so glad for you that H is not getting S on Friday. It is a load off.

Hope the rest of today is productive!

[Lucky11too]

So far, today has been pretty quiet - but given H's mood swings, that's probably not a bad thing. He has sent me some more flirty texts today and I just kind of flirt back. I just hope at some point soon we can start to move past this flirting stage and actually start some real change...but this is someplace to start...

Just trying to really catch up at work today. The last two days really thru me off and I got behind. So back to work I go!