I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I need this site as an outlet because I feel like I am going to either go insane or do something really stupid. I am going to try and keep this short so please bare with me. I’m sorry this is so long. I am just trying to provide you with as much info as possible so you can help me. I truly need help and guidance. I am desperate.

I will start off by saying that we’ve been together for almost 11 years. Married for 6. We have always had a wonderful relationship; very passionate. Soulmates. Two sides of the same coin. Everyone has looked as us as the Barbie and Ken of the group and family. Assuming everything is perfect. When we got married, we quickly bought our first home and 2 months later, I was pregnant with our first child. I admit, my priorities shifted once I had my son. I worked full time and I worked long hours. When I’d get home, my attention would go to my young son because I felt so guilty that I was at work all day. I took the role of motherhood very seriously and I also had guilty working mom syndrome. So any free time I had, I spent with my kids. I admit that I neglected my husband. He’d want to go to dinners (and we went from time-to-time) and away on vacation just he and I, but I’d never want to leave the kids. In my mind, he was always there, I was always secure that he’d never go anywhere or with anyone else. He also always had an outlet. Friends, family, extracurricular activities (sports leagues, etc.). In 2007, we decided to move out of our state and away from all family and friends and build our dream home and live happily ever after. My husband owns a business overseas so he travels frequently. We’ve never had trust issues. Always trusted each other blindly. He is the type of person you’d least expect to ever do anything to jeopardize his marriage. Shortly before we moved, I noticed a change in his demeanor towards me.. He starting becoming less considerate and appreciative for what I did for him. I started resenting him and when he wanted sex, I’d reject him. I felt like why should I give him sex if he is being the way he is being with me? We have 3 children now.

Fast forward to the past few years, other than conceiving our last baby, we’ve had a sexless marriage. He started travelling more and more and I thought about ending things at one point. I felt so alone. He wasn’t around anymore. Fast forward to this year, I started to really think about things and felt horrible for how I treated and neglected my H. I would reject his affection, turn down his invites to go to dinner or go away; saying that I didn’t want to leave the kids. Looking back at it now, I’m kicking myself now. I fell out of love with my husband but once I started to truly think about ending things, I knew in my heart that if we both worked at it, we could try and find that spark again. I reached out to him and we exchanged thoughts that we both wanted to start over and I couldn’t wait for him to come back home from his last trip so we could start over. Well, I was given the biggest blow of my life.

I was awaken to emails and pictures of my H and his whore (and I call her a whore because when she met him, she knew he was married but told him she didn’t care and wouldn’t tell anyone.) I thought someone had taken my air from me. This affair lasted a year. It was on and off. (I was pregnant with our youngest daughter during this time). She lives in the town where he often travels to for business. He had broken things off and she decided to out him as payback. Reading those emails tore a hole in me. It was obvious that they had both an emotional and physical affair. There were pics of him and her laying in bed nude, kissing, pics she took of them chatting online (while he was home because I noticed our home in the background). It was like she was filling the void in his life that I wasn’t. I confronted him and he admitted to everything. He said that he had tried to end things a number of times before but she had tried to kill herself and would threaten him that she’d tell me. He said he finally didn’t want to do it anymore.

When he came home, things were very awkward. I went through the typical stage of wanting to be with him non-stop. It was this primal feeling that took over wanting to make him mine again. He had promised me that he wouldn’t see or speak to her again. No emails or nothing.

In short, he was home for about 2 days before he had to go back away overseas. He was gone for a month and then came back for another 2 days and was away again for a week and then has been back home. In that time, I have caught him in lies. He hadn’t contacted her in that month he was away and then he was back and in that week he was somewhat okay and then he would just be really depressed. I found out that right before he went back overseas for that one week he emailed the OW’s sister to try and find the OW and emailed the OW (from his secret email account that he opened just to communicate with her). He sent her emails telling her he loved her and missed her and couldn’t wait to see her again and was hoping she still wanted to be with him and sent her a song. The OW is spiteful and would forward me the emails that he sent her. She’s a young girl (only 22. H is 33). I confronted him about it and at first he denied it. I’ve caught him lying about having contact with the OW a total of 4 times. I have told him that without him ending things with her, he will never be able to move forward with me. He just doesn’t get it. As far as I knew, his last contact with her by email/IM was on Nov. 3rd and he ended things with her. I checked his email and a message from the OW popped up and it sounded like it wasn’t over so we got into an argument and he said hurtful things and I threatened to leave with the kids if he didn’t end things once and for all. So he told me to go and I did. He called me like a lunatic and txt me and called my parents, sister and even 2 of my friends looking for me. I didn’t know where I was going to go. Part of me was going to drive the almost 2000 miles to my folks house but I was afraid that in my state, something would happen. That following morning, I decided to go back home and he had actually left the house. He then text me asking if I would please tell him that me and the kids were okay and I did and in our discussion, I asked him why he had left the house and he said because it felt strange being there without us there. I ended up going to the hotel where he went and stayed with him.. We had a good weekend and talked a lot and I got a lot of answers and he wanted to work things out. I felt good about it all until I find out that that Friday, he opened up a different email account and sent her an IM saying hi and adding her info into his contacts. I confronted him about it and he denied it. Just kept denying it. Like who is this man? It’s like he lived a different life.

He will one day want to work things out and the next he gives me the whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” he doesn’t want me. He has said he wants a divorce and that he has a lot of resentment built up in him and anger towards me. He feels like he can’t let go of that resentment. But he keeps flip flopping.. His mood swings give me whiplash and it’s hard enough as it is with 3 kids to look after and feeling like a zombie. I don’t know how much more I can handle this rollercoaster. I feel unattractive. I feel like I’ve aged (and he’s told me so). I’ve lost a ton of weight (and he’s told me so). He tells me I’m unattractive because of my crying and how pathetic I have been. I try to do the 180 but it only lasts like 2 days before I go nuts and the reality of the situation sets in and I confront him or start a fight about us.

In all, I’ve accepted what’s happened. I “understand” why it happened, although it’s still unacceptable and should never have happened. I keep telling him that he should have respected me more to have ended things with me and just have then gone to her but he said he never had intentions on leaving me. I just don’t get that. He admitted that he loves me but is not in love with me but what I don’t understand is why he won’t work things out with me. I feel like we can truly work it out.

As of right now, he wants us to be “friends.” Can you imagine how that felt? He wants to focus on the business (which took a huge hit in this economy and is suffering) and making sure the kids are okay and that he can make up for the time he hasn’t been a good father to them (he was so disconnected from us in the time before I found about the affair). He thinks I’m smothering him (and I agree, I have). After being hit with this I agreed and to be honest, things have been really nice. We sit down and have family dinners. He helps me out with the kids and offers me drinks and asks if I need anything (he rarely did that before). We joke and laugh and get along nicely. Only thing that kills me is that he’s now sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom (for the past 5 days). That’s the only thing that separates us from a real couple. He has rejected me. He doesn’t want to be intimate with me since he implemented the “friends” status.

Can my marriage be saved? I’ve never been much of a religious person, but I find myself praying every minute, every hour. I love my husband despite his mistakes. I’ve made my own mistakes. I wish I could go back but I cannot. I am at the end of my rope here and don’t know what to do anymore. I just need guidance. We are not in a position to pay for counseling right now because of our financial situation. So that’s why I am here. I know I’ve been acting needy and have cried. I sometimes cannot get out of bed and I do keep asking him what’s wrong with me? And what I can do to make him want me? I know that’s the opposite of what I am doing. But I just need help. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I just want my husband back.

Thanks to those who made it this far. I appreciate it more than you know.

[are you kidding]

Timehealsall,

Sorry to hear about your sitch.

Be patient...There are people from all over, they will help you become a better you.

You would not believe the support and encouragement available.

You're at the right place.

What ever the others tell you, do it.

[Coach]

Can my marriage be saved?

Possibly, not all up to you. Face the reality of this.

So that’s why I am here. I know I’ve been acting needy and have cried. I sometimes cannot get out of bed and I do keep asking him what’s wrong with me?

That is not attractive. Imagine how that looks to him. First 180, you are up and busy at 6:00 am. BTW, there is nothing wrong with you. But you need to TCB (Take Care of Business).

And what I can do to make him want me?

Make yourself irresistable. Start by taking care of yourself - emotionally, spirtually, physically and mentally. Right now leave him alone.

You need to get strong enough to set and enforce boundaries concerning the OW. So starting right now - love yourself. You can handle it.

Cheers

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Sorry to hear your story. I am glad you found this site. The support I got here was amazing. Keep posting in this thread. Venting helps. Asking direct questions helps.

Pass out what you want to receive. - Go support others and they will reciprocate. Start with compassion and empathy and work into advice.

I am not religious but I have found God and Jesus after the bomb. I committed to personal growth and being the best dad I could be. With that said, Check out the books I listed on the first post of my thread. They are all great.

It is critical that you make changes to your thinking,words and actions. You make these changes for YOU. H will be interested in these changes. Do not talk about them, just do them. The changes have the best chance of drawing H back to you. The KEY is for you to give him space, let him miss you, and seduce him back. "The Art of Seduction" is a good book to read as well as "Boundaries", but I recommend "Divorce Remedy" first, "The Four Agreements" second.

With that said, Patience and Perseverance (contently waiting), Forgiveness and boundaries are very important now. The past is over. Focusing your thoughts on the present is very important. Goals for the future is also important.

Take this opportunity to grow. You only have control over you. H will make his own choices. Become the most attractive choice.

[Ready2Change]

Make yourself irresistible. Start by taking care of yourself - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Right now leave him alone.

Coach is very wise. Read his words again.


Your focus has to be on you (and your kids). NOT your H.

[K4D]

Also read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy if you have not already. Get ready for possibly a long ride as well. Hang in there. You can do it. You are just getting started.

Kevin

[Puppy Dog Tails]

T.H.A.,

I found great comfort in reading the Psalms and Proverbs every morning, before I started my day. They gave me a lot of strength, and I was always amazed at how God seemed to provide me with JUST the word(s) that I would need to help me get thru that day.

I know what it's like to feel devastated. I got an e-mail from my home computer's keylogger one night, showing me what my wife was typing in ("older woman/younger man" "sexual positions" "how to attract a younger man" etc.) I felt like a semi truck had hit me, square on, and remained sitting on my chest. I felt physically sick to my stomach.

It DOES get better, I promise you.

Puppy

[Super Girl]

(((tha)))

I'm sorry you've had to join us. You're in good hands, though.

[timehealsall]

Thank you so much for your truthful words and encouragement.

What you've told me is what I've read that I SHOULD do but it's hard for me because it doesn't feel right. I'm sure many understand how that feels.

We have been getting along nicely as "friends." Anyone on the outside looking in would think things are fine and we're just one happy family. Yet, in a few hours, he'll retire to his new sleeping quarters upstairs.

This morning, I took my kids to the gym with me and he went there as well (separate cars; he left a little earlier to take a spin class). I ignored him after dropping the kids in the club kid watch and walked past the class and caught him looking at me but I made pretend I didn't see him. I went upstairs and proceeded to go on the eliptical. When his class was over, I saw him look up to search for me but i again managed to divert my eyes elsewhere. When I was done, I walked down and went by the free weights and he was on one side and I made no eye contact and instead went to the other side and began my workout. I felt him staring at me and just did my thing. A minute or so later, he walked over and got real close to me and smiled and I can't even remember what he said to me and then he ended up using the weights by where I was. He then asked if I wanted to work out our abs together and we rotated doing sets and then he walked out with me to get the kids and took my two older ones with him.

I have been doing my thing and staying out of his way the best as I can. I have been trying to look my best and just be happy and occupy myself with my kids and the house. I was in the office at one point (he works out of the house when he isn't overseas) and he squeezed the back of my neck and stroked my hair.

I just don't get it.

I know I may sound like a typical looney overanalytical woman (lol) but I just don't understand it.

Thanks again for listening.

[Deep]

Hi THA. I know it's hard, most of us on here do. As puppy puts it, the devastation, the sheer betrayal, are feelings we can empathize with.

You've got Coach and Puppy here, listen carefully, their advice is invaluable.

To me, your H is the way he is now simply beause. He is in the conflicted WAS mode. It's not going to make a lot of sense to you OR him for a while.

It's clear you feel the M can be saved. Give him the space to discover and feel that for himself. Accept he has his own demons to fight and choices to make. Remind him what he would be giving up by focusing on being the best you can be. Don't think about it, don't say it, just do it. Remember that you're doing this for you and not to convince him.

There is always hope, and there's always prayer.