Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

And essentially how DB is not there to save the M - it's there to stop the D.

That's why you have to lovingly detach to the point you can walk down both paths. First goal stop all the negative feelings, step two become friends again, step three rekindle the romance and step four re-commit to the marriage.

I would look for a counsleor who is solutions based - someone trained in cognitive therapy.


Has anyone heard from Dia? She just disappeared.

So, I think we are b/w steps 2 and 3. I don't hate her, I am not angry at her and I have accepted how she feels. I think we are friends again. We work well together with family issues and we are nice to each other. I share my life with her and she does with me.

I understand (I think) about the walking two paths. Before, I didn't get that. But, I do now. I don't want a D but I will not live in a loveless M. Nor will I die a slow death in limboland. One way or the other, I will get out of that awful place.

Kind of like the bartender at closing time: You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Well, you may not end up M'd, but you cant stay in limboland.

And, I think this is what I meant a couple of weeks ago when I said I was in a strange,new place. I went from pushing to reconcile to accepting only she can decide to come back. And, while I have a preference, I am ok with both. It's a weird feeling. I still love her, but if she doesn't want me, ok.

And, no, not that you mention it, I have not heard from Dia in a while.

[motherof3]

So, I think we are b/w steps 2 and 3. I don't hate her, I am not angry at her and I have accepted how she feels. I think we are friends again. We work well together with family issues and we are nice to each other. I share my life with her and she does with me.

I just wanted to say that it is nice to see living proof that progress is possible. I am relatively new at this. Going on my 8th week of separation, and my 3rd week of actual DBing. I am trying really hard to detach and have had several backslides. Right now I still have negative feelings towards H. Part of me wants to befriend H again. The other part of me wonders why I would ever want to become friends with someone who basically just threw me away. So I guess at this point I am still stuck on step 1 with a lot of work ahead of me.

Anyway, not trying to hi-jack your thread. Just wanted to let you know that you are an inspiration to me in knowing that progress is possible regardless of the overall outcome.

Thank you for that.

[givingitmyall]

MO3,

Thanks for your kind words. I am learning still as well. I don't think the learning ever stops, whether it's about M or life. And, that's what keeps things interesting.

It makes me happy to know something I have posted or learned about might help someone else. There is so much pain on these boards. But, more importantly, so much help.

Just keep posting, keep learning, and work on improving you for no one but YOU. This is such a critical element in all of this. We can repeat the phrases we see here, but the aspect of working on you solely for you makes so much sense as you progress, and you will understand that more when you look back on the progress you WILL make.

And on another note, when I started out, I thought things had to change right then and in all respects. But, the change we all work on here comes in stages - it's incremental. And, it's a lot like a snowball rolling downhill. The more it rolls, the more snow it gathers and the faster it rolls. So, too, will your improvements. Just hang in there. No matter what happens in the end, you and your sitch WILL get better.

[Gardener]

Gima, my friend,
Sorry I took so long to chime in. Here I go, rambling a buffet of thoughts, if you will, in no particular order. Pick & choose whatever resonates and then narrow it down to whatever really resonates with your comfort level. Also, I haven't read your last couple of days of posts yet. I'm sure you've gotten great food for thought. I may be repeating what others have said. Consider the statements/advice as just that: random statements and advice.. Consider any questions I may ask rhetorical. No need to answer.

Why is W interviewing/ researching?
How will she do this, what will she ask?
Do you care or feel more comfortable with a male MC or a female MC?
Do brief telephone interviews with four or five (or whatever) then make appts with top 3 and grill them, um, I mean interview them in person. No questions are off the table: It's your time, your money, your marriage, so be adamant in getting satisfactory answers. Any professional worth his/her salt should have no problem answering these questions:

-Pro-marriage? Or everyone's gotta find their own path and cut and run when necessary?
-Solution-oriented? Cognitive behavior therapy?
- Are you a listener, a validator, a commiserator or a challenger.
-Do you give "homework assignments"?
-Are you married?
-How long?
-1st, 2nd, 3r marriage?
-What's your approach, philosophy to healing, repair, and reconciliation?
-What's a typical session like? What will we experience from you?
-What % of your clients would you say successfully reconcile?
-Why?
-What is usual time/length commitment you recommend/insist upon?
-How long/how frequent are sessions? Ours did bi-weekly, but they were two hours in duration, which I was comfortable with. Heck by the time you "catch up" and "report in" the hour's almost up.
-Is MC the sole focus of your practice?
-How long have you been a MC?
-What relationship "gurus", authors, specialists do you admire, who's theories and approaches do you subscribe to? Why?
-Do you provide "moving forward amicably counselling" when outcome is unsuccessful/D inevitable?
- Do you have any former or current successful clients who would be willing to call us/us call them anonymously who would discuss you you and your approach?

Gima, do you or wife know any Couples who MC'd successfully and reconciled? Ask them to recommend.

Ask your pastor/minister/priest if they know of any stellar MCs
Do you have an EAP program at work? Someone who could also give a recommendation?

Look at the websites of everyone you've narrowed down to. They're mostly glitzy BS but you never know what you could glean from them.

When you've selected a few, Call the National Association of Social Workers' (your state chapter) and ask if there's any records of complaints, ethics violations, etc.

If you're not happy after 3/4 visits, find someone else.

My friggin' MC basically did simultaneous IC on us with both of us in the room. Kept saying "you work on you, H, stay on your side of the court and you, W, do the same." Several times I said to him, "Excuse me, but week after week we keep talking about talking, but we never talk! To each other, about M, R, communication, hot button issues, nothing"!

But I stupidly kept going since "he was the professional so he must know what he's doing". Should've followed my gut and bolted, so I repeat, if you're not satisfied after 2-3 visits, find someone else.

He told us in the beginning he "does not see couples individually except maybe once, sometimes twice, when situation warrants". Find out his/her policy on this. W and I saw him together 13 times. He saw me once individually, supposedly saw wife once individually, too, but when the Benefits statement/EOB came from wife's employer it showed our thirteen visits, my one individual session , and her SEVEN individual sessions. Plus as you know, I saw her there the following week after we "ended" the sessions (my IC's in the same building). W told me she was "just seeing him one final time". I knew she was lying. Next two EOBs showed she continued to see him for three more months alone.

I'll stop now. I've gone off-track and I'm re-venting. Hope the above non-venting thoughts help you.
Any questions, let me know. Here or on .alt.


.

[Gardener]

Gima,
Bumping up last night's post on your thread.
You asked for my input Tues. night & I said I'd respond Wed am. Didn't get to it until last night (sorry).
Hope some of my free association ramblings are useful to your MC effort.

[Gardener]

Gima,
One more bump since I see you out there responding to others.
Hope this helps and isn't too late.
Goodnight.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Gardener.

I asked most of the questions you listed. I have narrowed her list down to one and I have 3 on my list. I will discuss with W my choice this weekend after I see who is covered by ins and who not - not THE factor, but want to know.

[Gardener]

How's things in Gimaland?

Leaving now to GAL with my brother. Going to see my son. 31 who's starring locally in the musical City of Angels.

Went last night, too, with Gypsy.

Talk to you later or tomorrow, friend.

[givingitmyall]

That sounds fun Gardener.

I'm doing fine. But, I have to admit I am fighting a bit of resentment. The weekends, with us around each other more, seem to bring that out in me, infrequently as it occurs.

[Gardener]

Gima,

But, I have to admit I am fighting a bit of resentment.

Do some self-reflection to see what you're resenting yourself for.

I had a kind of V8 Aha! moment a few weeks back and posted fairly extensively as I sorted through it. Any resentment I could think of that I had or was still harboring against STBXW, was actually a misdirected self-resentment: I didn't resent her for X; I resented my own inaction when she did it. I didn't really resent her for not Y-ing, I resented that I didn't express my needs.
I don't resent her z; I resented my silently seething over it.
Etc.