Ramblings ...

[nightshade]

Shiny you did get the right idea from all the confused ramblings.

I understand that wanting to go on like nothing ever happened is so common it's not even funny. ANd I know many of us are cooping - or trying to - with it as I am.
But this happened with his first affair as well and see where it took us... to the second one!

Lack of empathy is not new with my h. I mean maybe I shouldn't be picking up on it too much because I could see that even before we got married. But hey , at that time I felt secure and confident. I didn't need the empathy or the emotional support the same way I do know, so maybe it seemed less important.

And yes, it would help a lot if I could see that he REALLY GOT IT. Not just because he learned that what he did wasn't the right thing to do. Not just because I told him it hurt. Not just because he read in some book it shouldn't have happened, or anything else like that. But because he really could understand and feel what his actions brought to this marriage.
I guess maybe I am asking too much...

DId we talk about why it happened. Well yes.. extensively.. and no. Meaning exactly that LOL
First affair we went trough this. Of course it took a long while to get him to be able to even talk about it without getting all his defences up, but he was able to finally come up with some things that might have been creating some week links in our marriage. Some of them valid in a way, some of them just excuses to justify what had happened. But we did talk and decided we needed to improve some areas in our relationship. We did too. We made sure that we always created some time for us as a couple - that had been lacking a bit with all the chaos going around at that time - many stress factors that were happening at the same time. We improved communication - or maybe I improved communication. We had agreed on talking about anything that was creating a problem as soon as we realized it so it wouldn't escalate, and I did. But come to think of it.. can't remember him coming up with anything.
Still I felt confident things were really getting fixed and relationship was getting stronger that time precisely because we did discuss everything and worked out what could create a problem.
This time... I don't even know. We did talk about it. He was able to talk about it right away as opposed to the firdt affair where it took him quite a few months until he was ok with discussing it. But other than hearing that he felt bad about what he did, and that he didn't want to go trough anything like that again , or that if he could make it so it would never have happened,there was nothing much.
He claims there was nothing wrong with our marriage. That all his needs were beig fulfilled and that he was feeling fine with the marriage. That being home with us was pleasant and that he felt good being able to spend time with us. THat he enjoyed our weekends together - we used to do this before even the firs affair, but after it happened we made a point to do it regularly. Just go away for a weekend every other month. Only the two of us. -. All he says is that he has no idea how he fell for it, and then when it started he didn't know how to get out of that affair. It is true that he talked and wrote her emails ending the whole thing several times. He had no idea I knew about those emails or talks, so it wasn't being done for my benefit. But the truth is that after a few days or even weeks of a standstill, it always restarted. I know it was easy to do so. After all there were many hours of doing nothing during their work nights - or at least on his work nights, she as a nurse probably had more to do but still had time to take 3 hour breaks to be with him so who knows? Even in a big place, it's easy to concentrate in a spot.. the coffee shop that is open all night. And from there to start talking again.. and from there to go back the same path as he told her once ... I can see it happen, sure.
A reason? What contributed to this affair? He can't come up with anything. There was some slight stress right as it started again due to financial problems but more of a minor glitch of having to wait 3 days for his check to be in the bank while we were camping. There was some serious stress when after being sick he was fearing ED - and that sue was a big thing for him, as it is for a big majority of men anyways.
He's very impulsive as a rule and rarely thinks before he acts, but as we discussed once, impulsivity is ok when you're buying a shirt. Now when your actions bring serious consequences and when they affect other people there really is a need to think.
Still all he can - or is willing to - say is that here he is going out for coffee in his break with a few people including this woman. Then noticing that they are having their coffee breaks alone. And then suddenly he's in the middle of an affair that - he says - he wasn't looking for and having trouble ending it. WHat contributed? He doesn't know - he says! -. It gets more complicated. He claims he was still enjoying our time together and having such a good time home. WHIle the affair is on, he's there asking me to go with him even for a 20 minute walk with our dogs, or to go watch the soccer games with him - which I love anyways so it wasn't a big deal for me -. He called me to meet him at work when he had meetings during the day- about once every two months -. He waxed my legs and shared a bubble bath.
He never met her away from work and it was like during the day he was one person. Happy with his marriage and having a great time with his family. And at night when he went to work he would turn with a different person with a different life and an affair.

Yes.. it would be good to know what contributed to this affair, but I have no idea. And from what I get from him, neither does he.

IN several emails when she was asking him what his problems were - and getting frustrated because he was not telling her any, he told her that his marriage was not like hers. That his was not a bad marriage and he had a good relationshp with me. Does this help? Not really, then why? Or is this something like the Mount Everest thing.. just because it's there?

ANyways, thank you for the empathy, It felt good:)

Nightshade