if I start dumping bottles, she'll KNOW i'm up to something. do it anyway?
pour the bottles down the drain. take the kids from the house to stay at your sisters when she starts drinking. refill the vodka with vinegar. MAKE A POINT THAT THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. im sure you will hear alot of good stories at AA. maybe some folks around her can chime in.
do it anyway? YES. put your f'ing foot down. someone has to do it. these addictions are not easily broken.
I dont really talk to much about my personal life on this board anymore. But I have been in an abusive relationship for a long time, as well as a ton of other $hit she has put us through. I have dealt with the attitude, the language, punches, kicks to the head when I was sleeping, what else? a flying vase nearly hit me in the head, the carving knife incident was a classic. I filed a couple domestic violence reports. That is really kicks the last shread of manhood in the gonads going to the cops with to intervene with whats going on in your own home.
I was so wrapped up trying to resolve our marital problems that I never stood back to understand what the underlying problem actually was.
Stupid me, idiot me, I took it (like a man haha) never thinking it would go beyond me as a punching bag. Until my wife clocked my daughter in the face over some expensive hair cut and coloring I let her get and pushed her down the stairs. I hate to say I waited too long. It was that incident which should have never happened that was the straw that broke the Mr. Nice Guys's back(resolve). I packed up her belongings, even though it seemed like we were finally busting this divorce, and told her to go live with her sister until I feel she has her issues under control. She can have supervised visitation and we will plan outings and dinners as a family. But if she did not leave or was abusive in any way shape or form to my son, daugther or myself, the State of New York will get involved.
Dont let it get to the point that something has to give.
I packed up her belongings, even though it seemed like we were finally busting this divorce, and told her to go live with her sister until I feel she has her issues under control. She can have supervised visitation and we will plan outings and dinners as a family. But if she did not leave or was abusive in any way shape or form to my son, daugther or myself, the State of New York will get involved.
I agree with that. You were putting your family first setting your boundaries all good. I think dumping the bottles is more of a trying to control her behavior/drinking and I see that as different. I think it would be good to go to alanon and get their advice, before you become proactive, which I do think you will need to do in the near future.
I've reread your reply many times now, and it's sinking in.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
pour the bottles down the drain. take the kids from the house to stay at your sisters when she starts drinking. refill the vodka with vinegar. MAKE A POINT THAT THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
This is what I want to do (I like the vinegar idea). I do think she'll just become a better hider. My sister lives 3 states away, but I can find a place. I've been thinking of asking HER to leave.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
Dont let it get to the point that something has to give.
I've been reading many of your posts, and what you say is eye-opening.
This is what I've been worried about, but more emotionally than any physical violence. She's lashes out emotionally, but not physically. I hadn't really realized how it was getting to my children until today when my D17 told me that both her and D13 talked about W's problems. Also, I am starting to worry about driving. All these years, W has never driven drunk, (sigh, that I know of ), and has the alcohol hasn't appeared to get in the way of her job; I now know its been a primary force in our relationship and her BPD. The night of the bomb, she drove home drunk, so I'm worried about riskier behavior.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I do think she'll just become a better hider. My sister lives 3 states away, but I can find a place. I've been thinking of asking HER to leave.
My X is a former alcoholic, now sober though, and dumping didn't work in my case. Causes better hiding as you suggest, and anger issues. And not your job to be doing hide/seek for her bottles.
I do not under any circumstance think you should move out. Your W should be the one to move out if you decide. I stick by attending Alanon first to get ideas on confrontation and re: your W moving out. They prob. will also give you some great support and really experienced people, that have been through it all before.
I've also been wondering if I've been too "dark" recently; just a brief hello is all in the past 5 days.
I'm going to work now; thank you everyone for being here.
I think my advice would be the same whether your spouse is in an active affair or actively alcoholic (or maybe both in your case). I would no contact as much as possible except re: the kids while your W is drinking and/or having an A.
attend a couple meetings. I've seen a couple marriages destroyed by alcoholism and actually got involve in 1 enough to be the person who would "drag" my BIL to AA meetings. So, even though I'm a better puker than a drinker, I have sat through some. There will be people there from all walks of life. Some court mandated because of a DWI, some newbies, and some experienced people there who will be more than willing to talk and to help you out. They and Karen got the experience and are willing to share. listen.
I am the absolute worst at giving advice. I probably am completely wrong in saying this, esp. considering this is a marriage saving message board. But, considering all that is occurring, the drinking, the bipolar behavior with no meds, the probably affair, the toll this is taking on the you and the family. Would you want to file for a separation.
I probably have it all wrong and I know the experts on here will have better insight then I but this looks like it is just going to continue to spiral downward.
Priorities- you and the kids. I know separation is like abandoning you wife when she is in crisis but maybe it would be the kick in the butt to get her to take some positive action. As long as you are with her she can blame all her problems on you.
You could word it in a way as to say you would love to stay married but not with these conditions.
As a child I was actually relieved when my mother kicked my dad out of the house. It just made for a more relaxing atmosphere and not dreading what would happen next.
I mean what if you demand she leaves and she refuses. I see separation as a way to force some changes to occur.
Status quo is not an option here.
Just my 2 cents.....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I just returned home from some brief work; and I wish I could have stayed out longer, but I feel like i gotta be home with the kids. It's the same sitch as normal, and not as bad as the last few days. W made some pizzas for the kids, and had a new bottle of wine there. She's retreated to the guest room, and I'll find out tomorrow how much of the wine she finishes off.
I'm feeling better than this morning; I read those two long posts I made, and I'm such a mess. Right now, I'm looking forward to the Al-anon meeting tomorrow but with some dread of the realities I'm facing.
I so appreciate everyone this afternoon.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
