Norm, my wife also gave me her grand plans of being the best of buddies after the Divorce. Going so far as to telling me her plan was to sell our house get side by side smaller houses and have the kids go between whenever they wanted. She was shocked that I responded to her by telling her to get out of la la land that that was not going to happen.
The WAW really gets to thinking about her decision making only when her master plan does not go the way she wants it to. For example, she had no idea that after I told her how I felt about the whole situation and how I thought about her throwing our marriage and our kids under the bus, I would start going to the gym and start to get in better shape (with a hot little trainer named, Wendy!). She did not know that I would start to go out with friends at night and have a great time by myself! She had no idea that I would not move out of the marital bed into a guest room. (actually had move back into bed after taking advice here). She had no idea that I would get a new haircut and start wearing some new cologne. All of this went against her plans of leaving this looser of a husband and still have his friendship and fatherly help at her side. It was a wrench that stopped the wheel.
Time to start taking advice from these people, buck up, it gets bumpy, but it does work, and I am proof.
Norm, my wife also gave me her grand plans of being the best of buddies after the Divorce.
Thanks, Burt
This is what I really want to say in response to her letter:
“You have been blessed never to have a spouse walk out on you. When a spouse walks out the one left behind is overwhelmed. The feelings of rejection are devastating. The pain of loss is so deep, so intense and profound that words fail. The pain is unspeakable. It is not unlike losing a parent. There are no worlds to describe it. It is very difficult to think of the person who has inflicted, and continues to inflict, this hideous pain on you as a friend because no real friend would ever hurt you like that. When you say you want us to be friends, you really have no idea what you’re asking.”
The question is, should I?
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Re: her letter, what specifically do you want to address? Why?
“Let’s be friends”. It’s such cake-eating. “Let me rip your heart out and turn your life upside down and rip our marriage apart. And after I’m done with all that, can we be buds? It’ll be a happy ending to the devastation I’m creating.” It pisses me off to no end.
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Then just answer that piece, with something like the following:
"Wife,
I received your letter; thank you for being honest with me finally, and providing me with such clarity.
In fairness, I do feel like I should let you know that I have decided that -- if our marriage is to end this way (by you cutting and running, and not working at this with me, together) -- I have no intention of being your best friend. We will be civil, yes, but for my own emotional well-being I will need to move on and try to continue the growth that I've already started.
Why would you want to convey weakness and devastation????
That's what I thought, Puppy. And that's why I have refrained from doing anything until I got advice from people like you.
I've been reading these threads a lot over the past weeks and I've seen you display annoyance with people who ask for advice but won't do it. I'm not of those, I assure you. What you and Trent and Coach and others advise, I will do.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Why would you want to convey weakness and devastation????
That's what I thought, Puppy. And that's why I have refrained from doing anything until I got advice from people like you.
I've been reading these threads a lot over the past weeks and I've seen you display annoyance with people who ask for advice but won't do it. I'm not of those, I assure you. What you and Trent and Coach and others advise, I will do.
Well, always evaluate ANY advice you get -- from me or anyone else -- against your own self-education (including the DB or DR book), your own morals and ethics, and other close advisors, but yeah -- it does get frustrating sometimes!
What you and Trent and Coach and others advise, I will do.
Gah, I don't know if I belong in such company. Half of the time I'm just just rephrasing or rewording something that PDT or someone else has said.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
A few months ago I was diagnosed with Grave’s disease – hyperactive thyroid. I lost 50 lbs., was having panic attacks. Nasty stuff. I haven’t been eating right. On top of the Grave’s, I’m one of those people who, when under stress, has no appetite (while others find food a comfort).
Here’s some irony for you. I’m a personal trainer and own a gym. Yet, for the past month I have not worked out. My training partner and close friend is having personal problems of her own and has been away for a month. Without having her for accountability (showing up to work out at our scheduled time), I have just fallen into the abyss. She's also my closest ally in my sitch.
TODAY, I will eat right and will start working out, with or without my training partner. I know what to do. I just need to do it.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
