Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

Yesterday I had a low point and drafted an email to some supportive friends who know my sitch. The only problem is that these close friends' husbands are also good friends with my H. We used to be couple friends I guess. Anyway I opted not to send my email as I didn't want H to end up finding out what I am feeling at this point. Below is what I intended t send, but didn't.

I have resigned myself to the fact that H is probably involved with OW. According to everything that I have read and my therapist, most divorces stem from the 3 A's: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. As H is neither an abuser or addict and all his actions indicate that he is done with our marriage, I am going to have to go with number three. I have never found any proof or suspected anything previously, but I never predicted are current situation either. H has denied this accusation on several occasions, not only to me, but also his family and several counselors. Even so, I have been told and believe that cheaters lie. In addition, he does travel for a handful of days each month (more so in the last couple of months due to job requirement) and works with numerous different women some of which are quite attractive, in my opinion. No matter how much I don't want this to be true somewhere deep down I will always wonder. After all, how do you walk away from a 9 year marriage that will affect not only me, but also three beautiful children for the rest of their lives? Being a product of divorced parents myself, I also vowed that this would never happen to me or my children. Boy, I guess I was wrong. I no longer trust H and without trust you can't really build a relationship.

With that said, part of me still really wants our M to be saved. Seems kind of crazy to constantly be going from one extreme to another. Some days I feel that I have done everything under my control to turn things around. Some days I feel that I am done trying as I am not receiving anything in return. Some days I want to take my wedding ring off and not feel guilty about it. Some days I lose all hope for a reconciliation. It is on these days that I feel so alone and just want the hurt to stop. Why torture myself and strive for something when there may not be a happy ending for our marriage. Then on my good days I think, 'yes, my M is worth all of this pain and effort'. Yes, I want this to work out. However, I am starting to have fewer and fewer of these kinds of days.