Ramblings ...

[nightshade]

I was away for a bit.
Wasn't sure of what to make of my feelings and all the things they're bringing.
But as my dear twin optimist pointed out, instead of hiding in my shell, maybe it's actually better to come up here, and both get new perspectives of what I'm feeling just by writing, but also hear - or rather "read" - fresh ideas, insight...

I'm not even sure why I'm so gloomy. After all nothing really changed in my situation.
( as a recap, we've been married for 21 years, husband had an affair 5 years ago with a coworker. Wanted to leave, but never did, we were able to work on our marriage he moved on into another job and I thought we would be happy ever after. Last year I found out he was having another affair again with a coworker. As a side note, and curiosity - but not justification - both affairs were initiated by the women - I do have proof of this - which together with other facts, leed us to the conclusion that he will not start an affair, but had trouble refusing one that is offered. In any case, this last affair went for almost one year on an off, after we talked several times - I found about both affairs right as they started - and he was having serious trouble ending it. FInally last June he quit his job - second time he had to do this and for the same reason - and the affair was over. )

Well, it is over. I have no doubts of that. That is not what is troubling me. However I am having more trouble with the whole situation this time around and I don't even know why - well I guess one reason will be because it happened a second time. That's a no brainer.
But it goes beyond that.
I'm feeling empty somehow.Maybe I'm actually oversensitive because of all that happened. I usually am able to analize and rationalize things so well and this time I don't seem to be able to do it.

WHat am I complaining, really? DOn't even know. H is home, says he wants to grow old with me. That didn't want to hurt me and wished it had never happened. He massages my back to sleep, gets up 1 hour earlier to be able to take me to work before he goes to work, spends all his free time with us and shows he's enjoying that time.... Do I really have a reason to be feeling like this?
Well, at the same time he seems to be a different person. He changed quite a bit since his first affair. He became a harder person, ready to judge and criticize. Too ready!
Yes, I have been having a great time.. but that great time usually comes with a sting. He's ready to explode for things that are minimal. And tends to get grumpy on me, even if whatever is bothering him had nothing to do with us. He acknowledges this and sometimes apologizes, sometimes uses humor to deflect it, like joking that if he doesn't take it on me what good his marriage for. Still, it does come with the sting.
THIngs tend to be wonderful if life treats us well, if there are no problems and all goes well. HOwever, if something goes wrong, if life throws us a curve or work didn't go well, suddenly wonderful is not wonderful anymore. And I'm the one that seems to be blamed for all the negative things that happen!
His mistakes are minimized, mine seem to be seen trough a magnifying glass. It actually feels like he's looking for me to make any mistakes so he can point them out.And I am not perfect. NObody is. So I also make mistakes.
Maybe I'm wrong here, but at this moment I don't think he should be spending much time looking at my mistakes... it seems to me that having two affairs, lying about them, showing little committment and responsability for his actions rates a bit higher on the list than if I forgot to put the garbage out, or gave the wrong food to the dogs ( puppy to older dog, and older dog food to puppy ), or even that the house was messy last weekend - let's even forget who helped make the mess, we will have plenty to discuss there!!! -. I don't know, maybe it's me, but I really think it was a good time to just let it pass if we consideer his own "mistkes".
ALthough he denies this.. he tells me that I'm completely wrong, but our relationship seems to be "lukewarm" for him. He's fine with it, but no big thing.
He seems to have trouble with empathy. It's difficult for him to put himself in someone's shoes and because of that it's difficult for him to completely regret what he did, because he isn't able to have a glimpse of my pain. So although he regrets it in principle, because his values tell him that it was wrong, he cannot really understand how much he hurt me.
We were talking about the affair some time ago, and I came up with what seemed to me a good way to help him understand how much it hurt - well it seemed like a good idea -by asking him how he would feel if I came home one day and find out I was having an affair. I guess it wasn't the best example because his first words were " But you wouldn't have an affair, so how can I imagine it?" " I tried again, explaining that just as an exercize let's pretend I would, "how would you feel?" Nothing.. nada....zero! at least that's what it looked like from my side. EVen when after some minutes consideration he came up with a lame" Well... I guess maybe I would be upset"
Maybe???? Not sure yet?
Maybe i'm expecting too much.But he ended the affair because he wanted to. It's not like I or anyone else made him end it. He was the one who told me he wanted our marriage, didn't want to leave us and wanted to grow old with me. SO yes.. I was expecting a bit more than "lukewarm" right now.
Sometimes it feels like things are reversed. He was the one who messed up, but I am the one who's being judged. ANd by him no less!I don't think he's in the best position to pass judgement right now.
He tells me there are no problems in our marriage. We talked about that and covered each area. He claims he has no idea how he let himself get into this situation again. He just got into it, and then was having trouble getting out of it. Ok I can understand that. But then why did it happen?
I don't know... ramblings... that's all, but I certainly don't feel completely fulfilled in my marriage right now.
I'm craving emotional support and i'm not really having any because of his inability to feel what I feel.
SUddenly I feel myself getting detached , yes I still want this marriage, yes I still love my husband, and yes I"m ready to forgive, but at the same time, it seems that I'm hiding in my shell more and more, maybe afraid of being hurt again.
Sorry about all the ramblings... THere's so much in my mind right now
H
It's like my twin optimist said:

" He has lied so much and for so long that I do not even know what is true and what is false any more. And I fear that lying has become second nature to him (or perhaps it always was) and I have changed all I could change. I am so tired... "
ANyway, it's a bit late and I have a busy day tomorrow.
Hope you all are having a better time, less confusing.
Hugs
nightshade