No you can and must do both. What helped me was the Stockdale Paradox. You must hold two parallel action plans in place - reconcile or divorce. Either way you thrive, takes a while to get there.
So how to protect yourself from hurtful behaviors - boundaries.
I feel ___________. When you do__________. I will do _________ when you do ______________. If you continue to do ______________ I will _______________.
her bad behavior = consequences = her choice
"I feel disrespected when you spend time with another man. I will not share you with another man. I have decided that if you do not cut off all contact then I will pack your bags and put them in the garage. If you continue to spend time with another man I will go see a lawyer to expedite a divorce."
[quote]and she said she baited me by sending fake texts so she could see if I had been spying on her.
What a piece of work this one is. OK - listen to what Coach says. Lay down the law on this little sister NOW. You have to be a hard a$$ with a case like this. My friend, this adult woman told you that she "baited" you with fake texts and she THINKS YOU WILL BELIEVE THIS! Are you that chump??? Say no! That would be like my teenage son telling me at the door "Mom, I gargled with bourbon just to see how good your nose really is. But I haven't been drinking." No, sir.
Call this meeting to order.
Grek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
"Mom, I gargled with bourbon just to see how good your nose really is. But I haven't been drinking."
Quote:
My friend, this adult woman told you that she "baited" you with fake texts and she THINKS YOU WILL BELIEVE THIS! Are you that chump???
Reminds me of Get Smart:
"The old fake texts to the friends trick, second time I fell for it this week."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"The old fake texts to the friends trick, second time I fell for it this week."
My favorite was when the bad guy from KAOS thought he saw Max's shadow, up in the window, and when Max jumps him from behind, Max says "The ol' fake Maxwell Smart-on-the-window-shade Trick!"
Buck Henry and Mel Brooks -- god, I LOVED that show!!
Puppy, It's out on DVD now! It would make a great stocking stuffer.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks to everyone for their replies. Just to clear up any confusion: yes, my wife admitted to a nooner with her boss. Said it happened once. Works with the guy at a bank, and he is an "indirect boss" to her, so they still see each other at work. Never met the guy. Caught her lying via the "fake texts" post above, and that was a little over a week ago. As I always read on here, I don't believe a word she says to me. I think she's in lala land, actually.
I'm understand better the idea of standing up for the marriage, and conveying that I'm not going to play games. However, my instincts scare me, since my true instinct is to blow the entire affair out of the water by letting it slip to the other guy's boss, making a stink about it, etc. My instinct is also to pay him a visit (not to get in a physical confrontation) but to simply let him know he is in over his head, mentally and physically. That's my instinct. To start flexing on both of them. So setting a boundary such as "homey don't play this" feels like the beginning of "blowing it up" to me, esp. since my nature is to love a good fight.
And yes, the text lies are stupid and somewhat funny. But this is my life, and being lied by a woman who refuses to move out and refuses to try to make amends other than simply hanging out at home and acting like a wife is incredibly painful for me on a daily basis.
Thanks. I appreciate the "tough love" and can handle it. Just trying to work through my strategy prior to executing it.
Funny story, and then I promise to stop hijacking Norse's thread:
When my D-now-22 was only about 7 or 8, she's sitting on the couch with me, and I'm scanning the TV with the remote control, looking for something we could watch together. Suddenly she exclaims "Daddy, go back! That show's real funny. Everyone's name is a number, and the man talks into his shoe."
Turns out she'd watched several episodes, by herself, and really liked it. She also got into "Seinfeld" when she was about 10-11. We would let her watch it, because she was SO young, that the adult humor went right over her head. Great taste, that girl!! Finally, she was about 15 and wanted to watch "Dawson's Creek," and we said NO, and she just didn't understand why.
being lied by a woman who refuses to move out and refuses to try to make amends other than simply hanging out at home and acting like a wife is incredibly painful for me on a daily basis.
because she can, you are teaching her how she can treat you.
Do some reading on the internet about boundaries, they are a ingredient of any healthy relationship.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You're right. I need to man up with my boundaries here. I don't need to read up. I need to fight back on this stupid "let's pretend everything is ok now" crap. Which is the main reason I'm so pissed off and hurt, because I'm going along with the act.
Probably a good idea to wait until you cool down. You need to have a long-term plan for how to deal with this situation. Both Coach and Puppy are very good at helping folks to think through strategies.
You're right. I need to man up with my boundaries here. I don't need to read up. I need to fight back on this stupid "let's pretend everything is ok now" crap. Which is the main reason I'm so pissed off and hurt, because I'm going along with the act.
The boundary has to be delivered calmly and with you in control of your emotions. She will test you on the boundary. You can't get baited into a fight. The issue is her behavior, that's what you adddress. We all know how couter-intuitive this sounds. DBing ain't for wussies. Looking into the fishbowl is a different perspective than swimming in it. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
