I've been separated now for 4 months. I am currently doing the LRT and GALing. At the very least, my W is not as angry as before, but has not given me any signs of reconciliation, although she has not filed for D. One question I have, and I would appreciate any advice, is when do you know when to tell her that you still love her and still fighting for the M. Or, what do you say and do before it seems like it's totally hopeless? What if by detaching, she comes to the conclusion that you stopped loving and have moved on without her? Thank you in advance for any help given.
Sam, that's a good question, and one that most nervous newbies have. My usual response is "She knows," and I'm sure she does. But I also thought a little deeper on this just now, and as I remember it, I used the occasion of confrontations and boundary-layings with my wife to do this, as in:
"(Wife), I still love you, and I DON'T want a divorce. But I'm not going to stand here and let you lie straight to my face, so please stop it -- it's incredibly disrespectful."
or
"(Wife), my position hasn't changed -- I love you, and getting a divorce would not be what I would choose for our family. But I will absolutely protect myself, and our family, if you continue down this destructive path, make no mistake."
That sort of thing.
When the wayward spouse is still living in the same home with you, you can also do little Acts of Service (AOSs), but no more than once or twice per week. I would pull my wife's car in the garage sometimes, as I know she hates going out there late at night when it's dark and "spooky" out there, lol. Or, I would cover her up with a blanket when she would fall asleep on the couch watching TV, and give her a kiss on her forehead. That sort of thing.
I've been separated now for 4 months. I am currently doing the LRT and GALing. At the very least, my W is not as angry as before, but has not given me any signs of reconciliation, although she has not filed for D. One question I have, and I would appreciate any advice, is when do you know when to tell her that you still love her and still fighting for the M. Or, what do you say and do before it seems like it's totally hopeless? What if by detaching, she comes to the conclusion that you stopped loving and have moved on without her? Thank you in advance for any help given.
Sam, that's a good question, and one that most nervous newbies have. My usual response is "She knows," and I'm sure she does.
I've been struggling with same question. Thanks, Puppy
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
My usual response is "She knows," and I'm sure she does.
Puppy
I'm not sure what you mean my "She knows". You mean, she knows that I still love her? Does the fact that she hasn't filed for D indicate any hope whatsoever? It's been very discouraging with my efforts in saving the M, thus far.
My usual response is "She knows," and I'm sure she does.
I'm not sure what you mean my "She knows". You mean, she knows that I still love her? Does the fact that she hasn't filed for D indicate any hope whatsoever? It's been very discouraging with my efforts in saving the M, thus far.
Yes, and yes.
Yes, she knows that you love her. She may not want to hear it right now, but she knows.
And yes, not filing for D should be, at the very least, taken as a sign that things are not done with yet. And that is what DB'ing is about -- it's about trying to stop the seemingly-relentless march towards the divorce decree.
Trying to work on rebuilding your relationship right now would be like trying to repair an axle on a locomotive that's speeding towards the cliff...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
She knows because you’ve never said or done anything to the contrary. I know you want tell her. I know it seems like detaching is giving the wrong signal. I feel exactly the same way. It goes against everything your brain and heart are telling you.
Eight years ago my W and I were separated (can’t believe I’m here again). It lasted seven months and in the last three there was zero contact. At the very moment I decided give up, the phone rang. She wanted to talk.
DO NOT GIVE UP!!
When I feel like giving up I remind myself that if my M ends in divorce I want to be able to say, “I did everything I could to save my marriage. I didn’t throw in the towel. I gave it every ounce of my energy and love. I have nothing to be ashamed of. No one could have asked more of me.”
Hang in there. Love her, even if you can only do it from a distance.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
My usual response is "She knows," and I'm sure she does.
Puppy
I'm not sure what you mean my "She knows". You mean, she knows that I still love her? Does the fact that she hasn't filed for D indicate any hope whatsoever? It's been very discouraging with my efforts in saving the M, thus far.
Yes, that is what I mean, and yes, the fact that she hasn't filed should give you hope.
Puppy, what discourages me the most is her actions--splitting assets like bank accounts, she moved out and into her parent's old house and taking whatever she wants from the house. I don't care what she takes, just that it seems this is permanent with her. We only discuss our s5 and not much of anything else. Detaching, however, has givin me some relief in that I can go through the day with a clearer head.
I know, do not believe anything she says and only 50% of what she does. I need to remind myself constantly...
Eight years ago my W and I were separated (can’t believe I’m here again). It lasted seven months and in the last three there was zero contact. At the very moment I decided give up, the phone rang. She wanted to talk.
DO NOT GIVE UP!!
When I feel like giving up I remind myself that if my M ends in divorce I want to be able to say, “I did everything I could to save my marriage. I didn’t throw in the towel. I gave it every ounce of my energy and love. I have nothing to be ashamed of. No one could have asked more of me.”
Hang in there. Love her, even if you can only do it from a distance.
Thanks Norm. This is encouraging. I should read up on your sitch. This is the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done in my life. Knowing that I gave it my all is nothing to be ashamed of, indeed.
[quote=TrentCTrying to work on rebuilding your relationship right now would be like trying to repair an axle on a locomotive that's speeding towards the cliff... [/quote]
Yes, Trent. Thanks for this appropo metaphor. It did give me a chuckle, though.
