She has to want to work on the M - quite frankly, I do not want her if she does not want to work on the M and want to be with me.
So are you heading down a cheeseless tunnel? Address this.
What's been working? Taking your ring off, going out - what else. What gets a rise out of her, make her mad, emotion is your friend.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My only requirement is that we have a MC who is "pro-M."
You also want one who is solution oriented - who will focus on what each of you are DOING rather than on what each of you are feeling.
I wasted a lot of time with one who only wanted to talk about what we were each feeling this week - the net result: week after week of my w saying "I don't know, I just don't feel anything". It never went anywhere.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I have interviewed some of the MC's off her list, and I would only entertain (not accept) one of them.
What questions did you ask when you interviewed them? What disqualified those who you wouldn't entertain?
I had a list of questions that I don't have with me right now (mostly from DR/DB). But, I also just talked to them about their views on MC given where W and I are. I acknowledged a MC couldn't change W's mind (and that's not the purpose of MC), but I did not want a MC who would accept, at face value, a statement like "I'm done" and then turn it into a let's get GIMA on the D track now.
She has to want to work on the M - quite frankly, I do not want her if she does not want to work on the M and want to be with me.
So are you heading down a cheeseless tunnel? Address this.
What's been working? Taking your ring off, going out - what else. What gets a rise out of her, make her mad, emotion is your friend.
Coach,
I don't think I can answer your question about whether I'm heading down a cheeseless tunnel until we get with a MC. I have addressed this with her when she agreed to go, which was an about face for her (see below).
What I know right now is that she has voiced what is a change in her position about MC - that she is now willing to go to a MC and that reconciliation is a possibility. When she told me she would go, I did not accept it and high five myself. I questioned her about why she would agree to go now and told her (repeatedly) that if she was just going to show me she didn't love me anymore or that she was "done," there was no need to go for either of us. I gave her the open door and the way out of MC if that's what she wanted. She did not take that way out. Why, I do not know. I just know that was her decision.
What "worked" before was just what you listed. She was very unhappy with me not wearing my ring, going out and, just like Thinker, being mysterious.
So, right now, she's agreed to go to MC. According to her, reconciliation is on the table as a possibility. I have no expectations MC will give us any positive result (and I mean NO expectations), but I'm willing to see where it goes. I'm already D'd, right, so how can MC make that any worse?
And, you have helped me keep the MC aspect clearly in focus. If she goes down the "I'm done" and "My feelings will never change" paths, I know what to do. I will not go any further down that cheeseless tunnel.
I think it is a very smart idea to interview MC's first.
Very early on in our marriage H and I went to marriage counseling (it was a joint decision as we had lots of communication problems right off the bat) and it was awful. All she did was play referee. Granted, we were not even thinking about divorcing or separating at the time we just wanted to learn how to better communicate.
And that is what she would say each session - you both need to learn to communicate in a more productive way. Um, yes, we KNOW that but don't know HOW to do that hence the reason we came to see you!
Essentially H and I would have the SAME talks (not productive) in MC that we had in our own living room. Round and round on the same issues with no solutions. H and I were very young at the time, both only 24, so we thought we were doing such a good thing by going to MC. We would leave a session and laugh and say "gee, we just paid a 50.00 co-pay to have the same talk we had at home".
It was a huge waste of time and money but things did improve for us. I guess because we felt we were doing something "good" even though we found no solutions.
Of course, at that time I had no clue what "solution based therapy" even was. My long winded way of saying I think it's grand to talk to a MC first and see how they approach MC as a whole.
Hey GIMA, I hear you about wanting W to want the M too. I guess you meant eventually ... and that she's gonna be putting in the work in the right direction meantime too. Can't force that, although one can hope MC will help clear her mind towards why that might be a good thing for her.
The push and pull factors, I think we've all been there, pretty normal.
Where I am, MCs are almost always fully booked for weeks (gee, what a surprise) and I think it's great you have options. The first one we went to was actually pretty good in hindsight, but I hated her back then. She was quietly trying to get me to DB and I was outraged she wasn't reeling then WAW back in.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Hey GIMA, I hear you about wanting W to want the M too. I guess you meant eventually ... and that she's gonna be putting in the work in the right direction meantime too. Can't force that, although one can hope MC will help clear her mind towards why that might be a good thing for her.
The push and pull factors, I think we've all been there, pretty normal.
Where I am, MCs are almost always fully booked for weeks (gee, what a surprise) and I think it's great you have options. The first one we went to was actually pretty good in hindsight, but I hated her back then. She was quietly trying to get me to DB and I was outraged she wasn't reeling then WAW back in.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Thanks Deep. And, yes, I do not expect her, right now, to want to work on the M or to want me. SmileysPerson has a great post about this very issue on his thread. And essentially how DB is not there to save the M - it's there to stop the D.
Provided she is willing to consider reconciliation (for 6 months, she said no way, no how), I will keep the door open so to speak. But, while the door is open, I am not watching the doorway for her to walk back through.
And essentially how DB is not there to save the M - it's there to stop the D.
That's why you have to lovingly detach to the point you can walk down both paths. First goal stop all the negative feelings, step two become friends again, step three rekindle the romance and step four re-commit to the marriage.
I would look for a counsleor who is solutions based - someone trained in cognitive therapy.
Has anyone heard from Dia? She just disappeared.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
