I just ask you to contemplate one thing.. can you entertain the possibility that your 'gut' feelings --that he WON'T be violent or manipulative or punitive or abusive or controlling or harrassing-- are messed up?? (because of the years of abuse)
while you are working on what 'normal' feels like... you don't have that figured out quite yet as you are too close to the situation.
Please entertain the possibility that we may be right... he will be any &/or all of those things once he finds out you are leaving/have left...
if you KNEW he could possibly be any one of the above things... what choice would you make about when & how to tell him?? And how to deal with him about the property settlement, alimony etc.
He will NOT change his spots just because you have left... he will ONLY change his spots AFTER getting several months of therapy... maybe you leaving will be the catalyst he needs to do that... or maybe not. You can't control that
I wouldn't tell the kids until you have moved.. I would make sure you tell them specfically why... not the sanitized version either.. they are both old enough to hear the facts of life.
Figure out what you want to say to them, write it out, maybe share it here to get feedback & then practice it.
Their mother won't tolerate being disrespected & treated like you have been by their father... what a powerful lesson to teach your daughter about how she should expect to be treated by future partners in her life.. or how your son should treat your future daughter-in-law.
Please just entertain the possibilty & act as you would advice a friend. Love yourself enough to put yourself, not him, first.
Also.. just because he may not REACT with the initial move out, don't think all is quiet on the western front... based on my experience the physical violence came at times I least expected it... but lots & lots & lots of research shows abused women (& you are an abused woman) are most vulnerable to phsycial assault & injury within the first few days of ending a relationship.
You are in my prayers. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
(And let's not forget the famous line from our last set of troubles- "I paid for everything- leave and don't take anything!!" I haven't forgotten the he!! he put me through that time, and I wouldn't put it past him to try it again when he gets angry about the current situation.)
Your lawyer will laugh him right out of this delusion
I haven't told my family my plans yet.Good I think I just want to handle this by myself. The only thing I'm going to need help with is moving the damn couch and pool table, and I'm sure I can figure something out. Get them later, down the road they are not getting-yourself-safely-settled-concerns.Wifey was right a few posts back: Move when he is not home. Sign the lease, pay the rent but don't move in intil you are presented with a solid half-day or day of him being GONE, out of town or something.Talk to Lawyer about move day and see what he thinks of my prior suggestion: notifying police in advance of possible Domestic Crisis during pre-determined move time; Maybe they can have someone posted at house,
Have a good week, everyone. And thank you again! [/quote]
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I volunteer for a furniture program that matches people that need furniture with furniture that has been donated. I only mention that because my vehicle has moved couches, refrigerators, love seats, chairs, beds, etc. I seriously doubt it could do the pool table, but the offer stands. The weekend of the 28th is wide open.
You say the word and I will be there.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thank you Wifey- that means so much to me. If I get stuck, I just may do that, but I think I should be OK. I am really touched by everyone's concern here. I certainly didn't expect it when I first posted and I am on the hook big time to pay it forward.
Quote:
can you entertain the possibility that your 'gut' feelings --that he WON'T be violent or manipulative or punitive or abusive or controlling or harrassing-- are messed up??
Bridge- I am pretty sure they are messed up. I am doing this on faith- I am trusting my best friend, my IC, my MC, and my friends here who say I am doing the right thing, and I'm also trying to trust my reasoning and not my feelings. If I have trouble with this basic issue, then I do have to consider that you may be right about H's reactions too. I will take the possibility into consideration for my plan for that weekend.
Right now, I feel weird, like I want to hide or something. I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to think about anything. I just want to handle as much of this by myself as I can. I know I can't do it all and that I'm going to have to involve a few other people- and tell my parents and the kids. I'm having a hard time trying to think about the logistics of the separation. This feels unreal.
SB,Give yourself some time each day to NOT think about it. Walk, exercise, bath, veg on couch, but once a day say "for this one hour, this issue is off the table out of my mind and I'm gonna do fo me:body, soul, mind, heart, whatever.
Hey, you say the word when the time comes and you just might be surprised how many of us will come to Ohio for ya!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I promise not to subject anyone to a Browns game if they do. I keep seeing on these boards about accepting the fact that you're already dead. The Browns did that week 3 of the season. However, we are contractually obligated to the NFL to play a certain number of games until January...
Now the "LeBron and Shaq Show" on the other hand...
I contacted my cousin today and found out that he may not be available that weekend because his FIL is in town for the holiday. I have to come up with a plan B after all. As to the obvious choices- I can't ask my Dad (he's 66) and my brother lives in Houston. I'll come up with something, but in the meantime I'm trying to catch my breath and not panic. I can handle this. Well, let me have a small meltdown for a few minutes first, then I'll handle it.
I contacted my cousin today and found out that he may not be available that weekend because his FIL is in town for the holiday. I have to come up with a plan B after all. As to the obvious choices- I can't ask my Dad (he's 66) and my brother lives in Houston. I'll come up with something, but in the meantime I'm trying to catch my breath and not panic. I can handle this. Well, let me have a small meltdown for a few minutes first, then I'll handle it.
So, unwind. It's ok. We aren't robots.
I personally like (and have used many times) Puppy's technique if I need to let out the poison of sadness - shut the door to the bathroom, turn on the fan, grab a towel, bury my face in it and just let go.
OMG, OMG- I was just looking at our savings accounts online. In mid-September, H took out $10,000, which was 50% at the time. We were still in the middle of MC at the time. I think that was about the time he bitched about me buying a new bunny cage, wasn't it? I have to go back at my old posts and look. I'm shaking. I told my atty, he said that looks bad for H. It could be that his money from his Dad's estate which I am not entitled to, and I wasn't about to make a claim to, but if that was the case, why the he!! didn't he say something?!?!? It still looks bad for him even if that is the case.
