Of course I'm mad about my wife having a nooner with her boss, but I'm not simply going to move out, esp. when I wasn't the one that screwed up.
I never suggested you move out. I'm suggesting you should have adjusted your deameanor towards her since she confessed that, and you damned sure should have adjusted your strategy.
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I appreciate your suggestion on the conversation. It feels like it would be accusatory to address things in a "I know you're lying to my face" fashion, which would fit into the whole "pursuit" pattern, correct? Therein lies my problem. Half of me feels like an idiot since I feel like I'm making this easy on her by disengaging, and half of me wants to blow the conversation out of the water and tell her what I'm really thinking, call work and "out" the relationship, etc.
"Accusatory" is a matter of TONE, not of CONTENT. State your boundaries calmly, structuring the way Coach has suggested above. Your demeanor should be one of calm, quiet strength, and your position should be one of "Look, I completely understand if you don't want to do this. I'm just telling you what I am willing to abide in my own marriage, and in my own home. Consider the boundary communicated."
"I will not stand here and be lied straight to my face" is a boundary of personal integrity. It has nothing whatsoever to do with "pursuit."
