Longtime coming...

[Awoken]

i don't know why, but I'm doing so much worse these past few days. My feelings of hopelessness, anger, frustration, sadness, and everything else are overwhelming me moreso that when this sitch all started. today I'm sitting here and I simply have no idea which direction to go in. On one hand, I think I need patience and time just to let this stuff work out, but then I desperately think that if I wait too long, something awful may happen and I need to intervene for the benefit of my family. I want to do what is RIGHT, but I have no IDEA.

I need help, some 2x4's, or whatever you have.

so many possible actions keep going through my mind. i went to a councilor at the university where I teach part time yesterday. I just couldn't face standing up infront of a room of 100 students with my game face on. I don't know if I've been putting of my grief, but it's been pouring all over me for the past two days. I one of my colleagues to cover the class for me (just as well). I didn't really connect with the councilor very much, but she urged me to take a stand and confront my W about her drinking. I'm just not sure how it will play out.

Here's what's been going on. Last week W seemed to be trying to quit or cut backing on the drinking. she's been very irritable and pulling back from the kids a good deal. however, but Saturday, she went back to drinking again. She drank a bottle of wine and 1/2 a bottle of vodka. I knew something was up when D17 came and got me in a panic because W was supposed to take her to a party but was gone from the house. I had a gig that night, and texted with the kids all night to be sure they were ok. I think W went out for most of the night and left S13 at home by himself. It really upsets me that she seems to be detaching from him as well as she pursues whatever. D17 arranged a ride home from another parent, which was a relief to me.

Sunday, D17 and I had a plan to work on her AP homework together. However, W took D17 shoe shopping for D17's belated birthday. Then proceeded to only buy shoes for herself. Then took her to a friends house to help W do work on W's graduate class! They returned late that night, and W made drinks and locked herself in the guestroom, leaving D17 with hours of homework left to do. D17 was clearly frustrated.
I spent most of sunday at home trying to hide my sadness from S13, but I lost it. I don't know why it hit so hard this particular day. S13 invited one of his friends over, and I did chores and weeped.

Monday, I try to go to work, and manage to make it through one class, goto the councilor, then I had to go to a student concert that night. I spent the afternoon reading "rational recovery" at the bookstore. right before the concert, my S13 calls. I hear W yelling at him in the background, and he yells back "I'll just handle it myself!". He needs help with a homework assignment: he has to make some kind of candy(weird assignment!) D17 gets on the phone and says shes trying to help out, and W has "locked herself in her room to watch movies again". it's only about 6pm.
When I got home, the house was in disarray. Clearly W came home from work(4pm), did her online graduate class, got some drinks, and left the kids on their own as she retreated to her room. I suspect she is coming off her manic phase pretty hard now? i don't know. this is what is looks like, but i'm such a mess i'm not trusting my judgment at all since i tend to over read everything.

ok, this morning, monday. I take D17 to school. W left at 5am or 5:30am, leaving the house reeking of perfume. I don't know if thats new or just part of her recent makeover. i'm starting the think she's using the morning to meet om? she has to be at work by 7am.
D17 tells me this morning about her frustration with W; I'm trying to be careful and not put her in the middle. it's heartbreaking for me because she is clearly trying to carry the burden of all this all by herself and keeps telling me she will be just fine. she tells me she knows "mom is bi-polar" and that her and S13 talked about it lastnight and he knows too. She says shes known since she was 12 or 13, because she we blow up at them for no reason. I've discussed it with her once, a year ago when she seemed to be blaming her mothers fury on herself. there just seemed no way around it, but she now says she's known for much longer. she asked if she needs to watch out for her drinking (sob!).

I then took D13 to school, and asked him how he was doing. He just said he knew what was going on and he figured that in 2-3 months it would better and he would just wait it out.

i know this it probably too many details, i'm gonna make another posts about what i'm thinking about doing...