Puppy, you bring up a good point, and something I am struggling with. The other guy is one of my wife's "bosses" at the bank she works at. So she will see him, not daily, but probably weekly. She made it clear that she isn't going to give up her job (though there has been a merger recently, and she might be pushed out in the next year) because she is "good at it."
I know the affair is still going on as of a week ago because I grabbed her phone and read her texts. She had been out that night for a "girls night out" and early the next morning I checked her texts, and she had cancelled her plans with "the girls," using my job (I am a doctor) as an excuse. I called her out on it (chasing, I know...) without revealing that I read the texts, and she said she baited me by sending fake texts so she could see if I had been spying on her.
We haven't brought that up since last week when it happened. I just don't feel like I know how to toe the line between getting myself a life again and chasing her (by telling her I don't want her going out anymore).
Suggestions? It feels, in my gut, like I'm simply approving of her sneakiness when I don't say anything. But it feels like I'm pushing her away if I do anything else.
You have to do what's best for you, but if my wife had admitted to me that she had hooked up with her boss for a nooner back in July, I wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with her and all nicey-nicey this week.
Based on your earlier convo:
Quote:
By the way, I brought up my feelings tonight prior to her leaving, simply addressing them as "here's how I'm feeling, and I just wanted to share it with you." No obligations. She said, "How can I help you feel better about this?" and I mentioned being home at a reasonable time. She texted me then, on her way home, and is now in bed with me at a reasonable time.
I would have suggested you say:
NM: Make no mistake, I love you, but I will not live in an open marriage, and I will not tolerate being openly disrespected in my own home. ("just wanted to share my feelings with you" is way too weak)
W: How can I help you feel better about this?"
NM: I'll be just fine, thank you. I do expect you to respect my boundaries, however. If you can't be home at a decent time (say, 12?), then please don't bother coming home. I also won't tolerate being lied to my face. If you can't tell me the truth about where you're going, just say you're going out, and leave it at that.
Then I would have just shook my head, and said "Unbelievable," and walked away.
