Why is it SO easy for me to be upbeat and have a plan at work? As soon as I walk through the front door and see him any courage I had runs the other way. It's like he sucks the life outta me. I see him and I instantly think of what I am losing.
My step-Dad called me last night and said he has all the money I will need for an attorney. He wants me to get one on retainer as soon as I can. He said it is time to look in that direction. I feel like I am admitting defeat. I feel like I am stepping away from this M by doing this.
When he comes home to watch the kids he comes in the back door. When I leave it is by the front door. Same thing when he leaves and I come home. We are always going in the opposite directions.
Several people have said I need to stop fighting the D and tell him it is okay to file. They say his generosity (by paying the bills) will run out soon if I keep resisting it.
I want to go out with friends and prove to myself I am still desirable. I feel like I need to prove it to myself....especially with my recent weight loss. He has responded positively to the physical change, but he also left before I became happy with my loss.
He changed his password to his e-mail and his wireless carrier (same phone number). I don't think he has someone else, but all signs point to yes. I hope he doesn't but at the same time I know I should brace myself for the next foot to fall. Seems like something new is revealed each week so I figure I have a few days before number four hits.
Anyway, these are just ramblings so don't feel the need to respond. Just things I needed to get out and I can't go talking to family and friends.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
