I know anyway the fact that he’s seeing someone I considered a close friend is gossip enough, I’m sure I’m not the only one talking about it. I’ve heard that her STBXH has threatened to kill them both, so if I was him I’d be more worried about that than anything I’ve got to say on the subject.
You’re right it is about me. I’ve been successful detaching in the main, but have had my odd moments of trying to cling on to the M. I’m there now though. I can sort of look at the sitch from the outside which is weird.
The past couple of years have changed me immensely. I got over my depression and redeveloped a PMA, I’m out with mates more than ever and enjoying my life, picked up new hobbies, stopped putting the kids and my H before my needs and become more open and honest with my feelings. It’s an ongoing journey and I’ll never be perfect.
My H is not the man that I married and it’s only if I saw that man again would I be interested in reconciliation. What I’m finding it hard to come to terms with is that the man that I married 20 odd years ago, who I raised my kids with, who I built a house with, who I shared so much with is gone. That’s the real tragedy here, just at the time in our life when we should be discovering each other again and looking forward to growing old together.
BUT there’s still a nagging something right in the back of my mind telling me that this is wrong. Maybe it’s just more time that I need.
And despite all the friends, family, fun activities and so on I’m lonely. I need someone to share my life with, but thinking about it brutally my H wasn’t around much and if I’m honest I’ve been lonely for years even during the later part of my M (one of the reasons that the EA happened I believe). I need someone different, someone who wants to share all their life with me, not someone who slots me in somewhere between work and his own hobbies. He’s still the same in that respect, likes to have life ordered work, hobbies, family life and none of it merged into each other. Even with the gf he won’t get involved with her family, he’s got his own or so he’s told one of my kids.
