Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I drove past W's house tonight as I had a suspicion that OM had gone away (didn't think it was permanent but thought he had gone away anyway). He is still there.

I am considering just doing the NC letter and doing exposure to extended family and seeing if I can speak to best friend tomorrow night. Bear in mind W is due to be here on Wednesday.

Opinions?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P,

You've been given opinions. 2,137 of them, some of them conflicting, which is understandable when you solicit so many.

What do YOU think you should do? What feels authentic to you? What do you think gives you the greatest chance of success at reconciliation?

Puppy

[Arwen_in_NJ]

I drove past W's house tonight as I had a suspicion that OM had gone away (didn't think it was permanent but thought he had gone away anyway). He is still there.

I am considering just doing the NC letter and doing exposure to extended family and seeing if I can speak to best friend tomorrow night. Bear in mind W is due to be here on Wednesday.

Opinions?

Yeah. If you want to detach, and not be seen as needy and pursuing... don't drive by her house. Sheesh.

"No contact" is going to require self control on your part. You'd better start practicing.

[P17]

P,

You've been given opinions. 2,137 of them, some of them conflicting, which is understandable when you solicit so many.

I do. It's fear I think. Fear that I'm doing the wrong thing. That's what I keep asking for reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

What do YOU think you should do? What feels authentic to you? What do you think gives you the greatest chance of success at reconciliation?
Puppy

I don't know what I should do. I know the only thing I have left to do is NC. There is nothing else left on the table for me as far as I can see. Nothing else I have tried has worked. Everything I am doing now allows my W to pretend that everything is normal, cake eat and shows her that her actions have no consequences.

NC is terrifying me though which is paralyzing me a little bit. These last few days / week where I have decided that this is the course of action I will take has made me feel almost as bad as I did at the start. I am terrified that the woman I still love and who has been my constant companion, friend and lover for the past 7 years will be gone from my life for good. I truly believe that is what will happen - once I go NC I will never hear or see her (other than in passing as this is a small town) again. I have to keep reminding myself that it has only been 2 months since she has left but the fear is crippling me just now.

What gives me the best chance at reconciliation? No idea - if I knew that I'd do it. As I said, I can't see any other option but NC. Nothing else has worked. While contact with D and I continue she is being allowed to cake eat. I can't let that continue.

Yeah. If you want to detach, and not be seen as needy and pursuing... don't drive by her house. Sheesh.

@Arwen_In_NJ: Totally agree with you. However it was 1am here (I'm in the UK) and she was in bed (all lights were off) - not the point I know. I actually feel better knowing the answer to the 'is he still there' question. I have been strong for the last few weeks in not driving past and, when it's been unavoidable (as I have a friend that stays right across the road from her) I have been strong enough not to even look at her house / driveway. I'm not going to beat myself up about driving past there. I had to do it.

"No contact" is going to require self control on your part. You'd better start practicing.

NC is going to require self-control. The only time I've felt good about this situation is the period of around 10 days last month when there was no contact between us. I want to get back to that.

If I could delete the post above about driving past her house, I would. It was a moment of desperation when I posted it.

My plan:

1. Send NC letter.

2. On the same day contact two friends up here and ask to meet with them and just talk to them. Not sure exactly what to say but it will be along the lines of that I love my W, want us to fix the marriage but that OM is still there and that I have to protect D and I. W has to make her own mistakes and I have to let her go and could they look out for her.

3. Same day contact extended family and friend via email / phone / Facebook with a similar message.

4. No further contact from me.

Still looking at doing this next week. My next appointment with IC is 2 December. I will be contacting her today to see if I can get an appointment early next week to help me talk through my fear about doing this.

Sometimes though I think keep contact with D as that is what D wants (even though we all believe it's detrimental to her in the long term). I can also keep contact and show her how I have changed. It would also put a strain on their relationship I would guess, although maybe OM is so laid back her doesn't care. That is just my thoughts sometimes. NC is about me and D though and not her.

[sandi2]

I am concerned about you, P17. You feel so despart to do "something" and that you must do it immediately. You do not feel convident in the NC letter and yet you just feel that you must do some sort of action. As I told you before, you need to be sure that what you say in that letter is what you mean......and that you can stick to your guns after you've sent it. I have an uneasy feeling that you see it as a gimmick to either be the ticket to stopping your pain or else to get your W to come home. It is not an insurance that either will work. As long as she lives next door with another man, it is going to be hard to ignore and I think she may fight you on rights to see the D.....if she has any rights, IDK.

I'm just saying to make sure you feel like you are doing the right thing and don't be looking for some magic formula, b/c there is none. Sometimes it is just waiting it out and you have not wanted to do that.....you have wanted to perform some sort of action. I do agree that you need to detach, but be careful about some other things you are considering doing b/c it may cause you more hurt--than what you set out to do.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I agree with Sandi.

I also am concerned that you seem to be planning on exposure to a very wide circle of family and friends. Exposure -- done properly -- should only be to a very tight-knit group of close family (her siblings and your adult children, if any) and key confidantes (like a BFF or mentor), plus maybe an employer (if the affair is happening at the workplace). About half a dozen people or so.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

I agree Puppy. Exposure isn't done to tell the whole world what's going on. It should be done only to people who can have an influence on your W.

In my sitch, a lot of people figured it out even though I didn't come out and tell them. And it was an ISSUE when W and I reconciled. I don't think she believed me when I told her I only told 5 people (my brother, her close friend, our two adult children and a close friend of mine). Everyone else figured it out on their own, but I wouldn't lie to them when they asked.

But it definitely caused problems in our recovery.

You have to really think about why you want to tell the whole world....

[P17]

I am concerned about you, P17. You feel so despart to do "something" and that you must do it immediately. You do not feel convident in the NC letter and yet you just feel that you must do some sort of action.

I feel fine with the NC letter. It's straightforward and to the point. I do feel desperate to do something because I feel I can no longer tolerate what is happening. The continuing contact is allowing my W to have her cake and eat it and is causing me emotional stress. What I should have done was stop contact immediately.

As I told you before, you need to be sure that what you say in that letter is what you mean......and that you can stick to your guns after you've sent it.

I can only look back at my situation last month. No contact worked really well for me. It was tough for the first few days but was fine after that. I actually felt like I had started to slowly detach and move on. Going back to regular contact is killing me. As I said there are no other options on the table - all I know is that I cannot continue to stand by while my W continues the A and I continue to facilitate contact with my D and I. She can't have her cake and eat it.

I can tell you that I am determined to go through with this. At the moment, other than discussing things about D via text (and in the last week we have exchanged 3 texts - I wrote one, she wrote 2 and I left her a VM that has had no response - so there is little contact for me to break anyway. There is nothing there. If it wasn't for my D I would have heard from W at all since she left. There is no dialogue or communication channel to cut - it's not there.

I have an uneasy feeling that you see it as a gimmick to either be the ticket to stopping your pain or else to get your W to come home. It is not an insurance that either will work.

I don't see it as a gimmick at all. Although I do hope it allows me to deal with my pain. At the moment she is here, I have difficulty for a few days after she leaves, I have 1 or 2 good days, difficult again, then she is here and then back to the start. I am getting no time to heal / grieve / work out my feelings. This NC is partly for me to do that.

I don't believe for a second that it will bring her back. I pray that it does but deep down I know it will not. The NC, for her, will be a blessing and I [b]will not hear or see her again[b]. That I can PROMISE you. That is what is terrifying me but I KNOW that I have no other option.

As long as she lives next door with another man, it is going to be hard to ignore

She is not quite next door but I know what you are saying. It is going to be hard to ignore her. This is a small town and she is the friendly face at the local supermarket. I have no other choice though. I need to ignore her.

and I think she may fight you on rights to see the D.....if she has any rights, IDK.

She has no rights to see my D. I was trying to facilitate contact between them for various reasons, the main one though was for my D.

I'm just saying to make sure you feel like you are doing the right thing and don't be looking for some magic formula, b/c there is none.

I know but as I said, I can't see any other option for me to get over this situation. I have good and bad days and I am fed up with it. I want to get a break and get some time to heal. I can only do that through NC. My D is also saying things about W and OM that I don't like. It's time we all just stepped back and let them get on with their sitch.

Sometimes it is just waiting it out and you have not wanted to do that.....you have wanted to perform some sort of action.

It's not so much I wanted to perform some sort of action and couldn't wait it out. If I didn't have a D for example, there would be no contact anyway so it wouldn't be a problem. The problem IS the contact. It's also a case that I find the whole situation so difficult to deal with emotionally that I need NC to allow me to get space and detach.

I do agree that you need to detach, but be careful about some other things you are considering doing b/c it may cause you more hurt--than what you set out to do.

I'm not sure what you are referring to here.

I also am concerned that you seem to be planning on exposure to a very wide circle of family and friends. Exposure -- done properly -- should only be to a very tight-knit group of close About half a dozen people or so.

That's all I'm planning. Two of her friends personally and probably 2-3 people via email / phone. Nothing huge. I won't be emailing everybody in her Facebook friends. That's not my intention - close friends and extended family (their family is very close and I would only be contacting the closest ones).

reconciled. I don't think she believed me when I told her I only told 5 people (my brother, her close friend, our two adult children and a close friend of mine). Everyone else figured it out on their own, but I wouldn't lie to them when they asked.

That's the same here. Apart from my family, I have told maybe 3 people outside of it.

Effectively I can't continue to go through this each and every time she visits my D. It's too much for me to bear. That is why I have to do something immediately.

IF there was contact and we were talking about the house, the dog, the weather or something else then I wouldn't even be considering this. However as I do not hear from or see her apart from when she is due to visit D it's clear that she is not in the slightest bit interested in me, my family or what I do in my life. The contact is all about my D. Once that contact stops, there is nothing left to discuss. OM is here now. She doesn't need me.

If somebody else has other suggestions then I am open to trying anything.

[P17]

(I tried to edit the above post but by the time I clicked Change Post, the maximum edit time had expired!)

Just to be clear I do not want to do the NC letter. But I feel it is the only way for me and my D to get time to get over this. And to also show my W there are consequences. So far she has had her cake (OM, new house, A, etc.) and is eating it (still has H there, possibly dangling, step-D that she can continue to play mum with).

This isn't a decision I've taken lightly but as I keep saying, I don't see any other options.

The only other option I considered was just keeping this contact going and putting up with it. If the last few weeks have genuinely been a case where she is interested (asking if I had a gf, snoopping) then it may be worth it. I don't see how that works for me or get's to my goals though.

If anybody else can suggest something that will fulfil all of this then I will be really happy to hear it.

[LiveToLearn]

OK P17 I have been following your thread for a while my wife left about 7 months ago. We had been married for 12 years and were in the middle of an adoption when she took off. No warning, no fight.

I am learning alot and may not be qualified to answer since me and my wife are still in this. But her affair did end recently, she is starting to see life again. I have been her freind and have done lots of stuff for me.

My advice... if you want no contact. Just do not contact her. Do not answer the phone, do not reply to her emails etc. It does make you stronger and helps with the pain. You do not need to send a note, you just do it.

When you have your strength back you can make a new choice as to how you want to proceed. This gives you options and also not seem like a jerk that is trying to get attention through a letter. I am sure you are not but it could come accross that way.

Next I do not think I would go public. I am glad I did not. I talked to people when it was appropiate and mostly have just given her space and time.

She in confused and anything you do to cheat her from her experaince of figuring out life will come back to bite you.

This is my first post so take it with a grain of salt