can pursuing a WAS be a 180?

[Coach]

He is over there, and I am over here, and never the twain shall meet--unless someone changes something.

You make changes that are healthy and productive for you regardless of the sitch. Becoming a LBS tends to turbo-charge the impetus to change. You can change the dynamic by you changing - trying something different.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy: insisting the affair be over before meeting his emotional needs: He isn't asking me to meet any needs.

I never said that he did. My point is that if you ARE (regardless of whether or not he asked you to), you are -- in my opinion -- "letting him out of the crucible," as it were, and prolonging his timeline for making a decision.

Put more simply, people don't take difficult actions until they feel CRISIS. Far from allowing him to feel crisis, you would be adding a degree of COMFORT with your pursuit.

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

You want to tell you're cheating BF that what he's doing is ok, you understand you made him do it because you weren't good enough. You want him to be happy now and if that involves having a torrid affair with OW then so be it. But you'll still be there, ready and willing to take him back if/when he's done with her. Not only that, you'll be friendly and helpful while he's with OW so that he is completely fulfilled and doesn't have to lack for anything.

Why would he ever want that scenario to change? If that were offered to me I would take it in a heartbeat. And I can't think of a reason I would ever want it to stop.

[avermont]

thanks, Coach.

I know I am sounding like a two year old whining here--but but but-to change the dynamic--to try something different--different would be VULNERABLE, OPEN, ADMITTING FEELINGS. I have been strong, self-confident, independent all this time...so what to change besides being open, willing to be vulnerable?

Puppy, are you saying that he will feel CRISIS re: geez do I give up this affair because I risk losing avermont all together? Gee, she seems happy and content without me...wow, maybe I should dump the affair and see if I can work it out? And if I keep nice little notes and touching in coming, he will happily rest in the affair, smugly knowing he can waltz back in whenever?

The affair started in May. Out in the open in August; moved in together mid September. So they are going on 7 months of thrills and chills.

I only imagine them intwining deeper and deeper until it becomes too hard for him to extricate himself (and hurt the gf now, too) and to ask for any reconciliation. He is definitley a conflict avoider. Well, we both were for all this time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, are you saying that he will feel CRISIS re: geez do I give up this affair because I risk losing avermont all together? Gee, she seems happy and content without me...wow, maybe I should dump the affair and see if I can work it out? And if I keep nice little notes and touching in coming, he will happily rest in the affair, smugly knowing he can waltz back in whenever?

Yes.

[kara]

Love must be Tough by Dr Dobson really sets out the tough love scenario well. There are some people who will never value anything until they risk losing it. And it is human nature to want what you think you cannot have.

FWIW , Years ago I broke up with a former boyfriend who had committment issues. For three months post-breakup this man pursued me non-stop. I carried on with my life, always upbeat and happy when I saw him because I was DONE. He came back to me. It didn't take three months for him to pursue me. That happened almost at week one. It took three months for ME to decide to give things another go.

That is just FWIW and it may not be worth much.

[avermont]

Pearl, maybe you should say that to me 8 times over, and whack me with a 2x4 each time. Maybe that will help get it through my head.

Thanks for all the input. I'm struggling and thinking and feeling.

Don't offer him comfort cause then he can stay comfortably in affair. Give him reason to think he might lose me (if he cares! he says he is totally done with our R) Have him uncertain if he has made the right choice or not.

FWIW, went to a party last night with all the gang. It was tough because had to accept all the commiseration, go over the story, etc...but everyone said I looked fabulous. I guess 30 pounds wasn't too much to lose. The gang invited me instead of the X; they are not pleased with how this sitch has gone down.

[pearlharbr]

Ok, here's another question to think on:

Do you want to be someone's fallback option?

Here's the reality: he is done with the R at this point. You cannot control who he wants to be with. What you can do is work on yourself and learn how to make yourself happy on your own.

Have you gotten a new look to go with the weight loss? Show off that new figure! Try a new style just because you can. What about a new haircut? Several of my DB friends got sassy shoes and we compared notes on those.

Then take your new hot looking self out and turn some heads. It's a great way to jump start rebuilding your self esteem.

[chatterbug]

Avermont. You have good friends. You can carry on with life. I know the feeling. I went to an annual party that my wife and I always attended. It was very strange at first. But you know what as the night went on. Friends were friends and we talked about silly stuff and occasionaly the heavy stuff. And I made it. I even posted pictures of the night on that evil facebook. ( friends of friends can see the pictures )

Let him have his world he wants. You carry on in the real world and keep working on those 180's.

I was the strong silent type. So this website has been a 180 for me. I also have opened up to myself. 180. I pursue my goals. 180. I have opened my eyes. 180. Like the fear factory song Archetype. ( Sorry I have a love of metal music )

You are very lucky to have good friends. Embrace them. And if your lucky you will be able to help them with their problems as well.

It is very good you started this thread. It has kept you from doing the pursuing. Please do not do this. And when I say you will have lost everything you have gained since August.

Look at what you have done since then.

You survived emotional abuse.
You completely broke down.
You lost your love , future , past and present.
You stopped living for a few days.
You got up.
You looked in the mirror.
You moved forward.
You decided that you are not a victim.
You looked inside and decided that you were strong enough to face your deficiencies.
You were strong enough to reach out in your time of need.
You survived.
You began to grieve your loss.
You are moving forward.


This is what you can lose.

Weight that against what your going to gain the next few weeks by tossing yourself on the ground before your cheating man.

Or you can carry on with your healing. And gain strength. And one day maybe he will wake up. And you will be able to choose instead of beg.

This is where I am at now. Mind you I do not see her or hear her. But I have faith in my self now.

I think you need to have faith in yourself. I also think that you need to reach out and teach some of the other women here how to be come independent.

You are here for a reason. Use your strengths. Learn unconditional love by helping strangers. Then apply it to close friends.

Then when your ready to start another relationship. Apply it there.

You have an opportunity to correct what happened in the first half of your life. You know what you lost and you believe you know what the reasons are that got your relationship to the point where the perfect storm happened.

I do not know you. But I believe in you.

The question is...

Do you believe in yourself?

[avermont]

Thanks, Pearl.

I am struggling with going out in my town. We have worked it out that we can check in on if the other is planning to go to a particular place. For example, I could email: I want to go to Bar X on Friday. And I think he will respect that and not show up with her. He did me that courtesy for an event at the local theatre that it would have been likely for me to go.

But--and this is just my struggle, and I am still so unprepared to see them together in town--miracle it hasn't happened yet--I would have to email (but it's good--shows him I am going out) and then meet various folks, most of whom know by now but some don't--and answer "hey, where's x?' and have to say "dunno--he's gone off with OW" or whatever. I don't want to develop agoraphobia but it is so hard to imagine that I could be in the drugstore picking up my AD meds, and there she is picking up her birth control! and it could happen, it is a small town.

So--I need to take my bad self out with my friends. And if I do it in my town, then the waves of my being out there will reverberate through the universe to him. I need to come to bravery on this and stop hiding (with friends, but it has been hiding) on F/S nights.

Try try try.